Going low contact/no contact with Mum?

[hadenoughpassthewine]

I’m thinking of going low to no contact with my Mum. She’s fundamentally not a bad person but I can’t watch her pity party any longer.

Long story short, she became quite poorly due to failing to seek medical help sooner - I’m talking years, which then caused an avalanche of other issues which she’s refusing to deal with or manage. Every time there’s another ‘wake up call’, she makes these promises to sort herself out, do the things she needs to do to then go back into the same routine of ‘my life is shit’ ‘what’s the point’ and we’re back to square one. I just can’t watch it anymore…everything from this point forward is a choice and in my opinion she chooses to be this way.

We’ve never had the traditional daughter/mother relationship. It’s very much been parenting the parent since my teens. Her parenting has been inconsistent to say the least and I very much never know which Mum I’m going to get. I have a young family now and I don’t have the energy to go on this merry go round anymore. I can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves.

Does this seem a harsh decision? I feel like I’m overreacting but then but of me thinks, something has to change and if for my own sanity, I go no contact, then so be it.

And yes, she is depressed, has been on and off for years but will never take medication or seek help on a consistent basis. It is honestly futile trying to get her to any doctor for this.

YANBU at all. You have your own family to look after and it's infuriating when someone pleads woe after buggering around all their life!

I'd go LC and cut her short when she starts with the Pity Party.

I would go low contact for now and focus on your family. Everytime she moans just say well there is help out there.. and don’t engage in any of it.

Honestly reading this it could be my mother. I went low to no contact for years. She’s now dying and I’m very conflicted about going back to my home country to see her. She wasn’t a kind or caring mother so I’m not sure why I’m supposed to be interested now.

Do whatever works for you, OP. Just because we are related to someone, it doesn't mean we like them or want to be with them. Being "family" is not enough to sustain a relationship.

She has depression she can't sort herself out
No need to go no contact but set firm boundaries that you are happy with

Give what you can happily give. You don't need to cut her off wholesale, or even give it a name, or plan it from a certain date, but boundaries are your friend here.

I really do get this, trust me, I do. I’ve watched the highs and lows for over 30 years, I have so much empathy for what she’s been through. This is the main reason why I struggle with the idea of cutting her out completely. Please don’t think I don’t love her and I don’t understand how hard depression can be, I’ve been there myself and it’s a really tough struggle.

I think I’m probably feeling low myself with everything…we’re getting married, I’m not sure if she’ll even be there for it, she’s not shown much interest, she’s missing out on her grandchildren, it hurts to not have that maternal mother that I see all my friends have. I just want her to like me and I just don’t think she does. Eurghhh…now I’m having my own pity party!

Not harsh at all! We need to draw boundaries around ourselves to protect us, even if that means cutting off/going low contact. Better that than to strain the relationship to a point where it absolutely breaks.