I need to talk about my mother (TW)

[TwooMuchLabour]

Trigger warning for child abuse.

In my primary school years my mother was very abusive physically and emotionally. My dad was always working or doing a hobby out of the house so it was my mum and siblings a lot of the time.

I was a quiet child at school (am pretty sure I'm autistic, am waiting for NHS assessment) and was never a peep of trouble. At home I may have bickered with my siblings buy what child doesn't?

So she used to lose her shit a lot. And essentially beat me up. She would pull my hair. Smack me (with things. Not her hand, such as brushes or slippers) She would dig her long nails into my arms. Once she bit me leaving a bad indent. She would strangle me and also suffocate me by pinching my nose and covering my mouth.

I distinctly remember being scared of bath time because she would pour water over my face and I would panic, which would make her mad because I'd accidentally splash her and then she would grab at me and try and push me down and I thought she would drown me.

I was called stupid. An idiot. She was really aggressive and angry.

This went on into my early teens and wavered off as I got older and became a young woman.

I found it confusing as she was a good mum in many ways and we always had nice things/holidays/ clothes/ the hot toys at Christmas etc/ lots of presents on occasion days etc

Once I had my own children I found it even harder as I didn't understand how anyone could hurt their child.

We muddled along my adult life with little things coming up occasionally. Dramas. Her old self would come out sometimes but I have to admit she did help me in many ways and she didn't mellow a lot and the relationship was quite good on surface level.

I struggled massively with my mental health my whole adult life and have always been friendless. A combination of my autism and anxiety.

Recently it came to a head when there were 2 family events coming up and I didn't attend the first as I had alot on my plate with my kids and I don't do well in public places and socialising. (I have to say that 2 of my kids had some serious things going on and I told her this and it took her 8 weeks to come see them and she stayed 15 mins and that's it, she only comes on their birthdays and she Ives 20 mins away. She believes we should be the ones visiting her, but she drives!)

My Dr thinks I may have OCD ontop of my anxiety and depression because of my intrusive thoughts and I just feel stupid constantly. I've not been able to work for years.
Have panic attacks etc. I can't go any where alone.

So the 2nd, smaller family event was coming up and it fell on my sons birthday and I said I couldn't go because of that.

She basically said they wouldn't change the day as I probably wouldn't show up any way as I make no effort to be part of the family and I couldn't even be bothered going to the 1st party and she would have liked all her kids there. And I never go and visit her.

TBH I lost it, this was all over txt. And I texted her basically asking if she was fucking serious? And the reason I can't go and and socialise at a busy party is because I'm fucked up because of her as I spent my primary school years being bitten and strangled. I called her a narcissist and blocked her.

And haven't heard from her since.

And she immediately went on Facebook and changed her profile pic from a photo of us all to just her, and her cover photo from all the grandkids to something else. So me and my kids weren't on them

Part of me thinks I should contact her but I know she will play ZERO part in extending an olive branch and I will be the one apologising to her for saying those things and she won't mention my childhood or apologise for it.

I'm just so sad because I would walk across glass for my kids and if I knew I hurt them in some way I'd do everything I could to apologise and make it up to them.

All she had to do was acknowledge what she did and say sorry bit she won't.

And I'm the bad guy for not being able to get over it.

Which I might be able to do with an apology but it's the lack of acknowledgement and blaming me for being this way when it's probably down to her actions!

So do I just bite the bullet and extend an olive branch (and risk it being shot down and me spiralling more) or just accept that this is how it is now and I don't have a relationship with my mother?

I also have an abusive narc mother. The best decision in my life was when I blocked her and moved on to live my life.

Over a decade later, I'm so much happier.

My son, now an adult, has also made his own decision to have nothing to do with her. My sister is also no contact and will not let her 3 girls have anything to do with her.

She can reap what she has sown.

From one person who was abused as a child to another, I send you a BIG HUG. It's hard. But you can heal and you can thrive.

When my son was young it hit me hard, how could she have treated us so badly? I love my son with all my heart, hurting him was the last thing I could ever do.

I strongly recommend you lose all and any guilt over not doing what she wants. I also strongly recommend going no contact, forever. You don't want an abusive person like that in your children's lives nor your own. If anyone else in your family has a problem with that, it's a them problem, not yours. You can tell them she was horribly abusive and you need to be away from her. Or you can tell them nothing.

You cannot have a relationship with an abusive narcissist who takes no responsibility for the abuse they have inflicted upon you. They never will, they can only appear so but it's always superficial.

Move on with your life. You only have one. Love your children and love yourself.

Good luck!!!

I wouldn't be extending an olive branch to someone who treated me the way you described? Why would you want her in your life?

Hi OP, I'm very sorry for the abuse you suffered in your youth. It's diabolical so kudos to you for still getting out there, living your life, having kids and being a good mother, getting treatment and even maintaining a relationship with your mother. These aren't the actions of a stupid person but a very resilient, self aware and empathetic person. All the qualities your mother is not.

I can't answer how your mum will respond or if she will ever respond. It might have helped to make your feelings and boundaries known to her a while ago but I completely understand why you did not - because you're worried about her response. What I can answer is that your mother's behaviour and response are her own choices and you should focus on what you can control - which is how much of a part she plays in your life going forward. And base this on what you know of your mother now, not what you hope she would be.

When you say he helped you a great deal, do you mean monetarily? I ask because you examples all include material objects, but there's no emotional support (not visiting your DC, being critical during a difficult time etc). If someone asked you whether they could pay you a large sum to hit you, criticise you, put you down, bite you, drown you with no reaction - would you accept? If they asked whether they could pay to do these things to your DC? Because that's what your mother is doing - she's buying your silence and using you as a punching bag with money and scraps of attention. It's what she's always done.

What does life look like without your mother in it? The way she is now, not an idealised hope of things changing and her being the mother you desperately want. What happens when you stop having days, moments, occassions when you feel stupid, unloved, worthless because you're with her? Is there anything your mother gives you now, you couldn't get from anyone else -what is that, and why?

We are expected to love, and be forever grateful to parents for bringing us into this world. Women aren't giving birth for the benefit of a baby they don't know yet, they're doing it for themselves or under duress. You don't owe her anything. The way she treated you was hateful, and loveless and it doesn't sound like she's changed. You're just too big now for her to physically assault you, so she carries on doing it emotionally.

Ultimately only you can decide what the quality of your life looks like without her. I would suggest spending months/even years not reaching out, to let the initial hurt and upset fade, and to fully experience life away from her shadow. Even if she does reach out and apologise i would be wary and guard your heart that she's not trying to win you back as she needs a punching bag. The work you need to do is pull yourself away from this toxic environment and live for yourself and your DC - see how you feel doing that for some time. Take time to digest how much her abuse has really impacted you - something you can't do when she's still in your life.

Good luck OP, and remember you don't owe blood relatives anything and are worth of care, consideration and respect. It's your mother's loss and at least you experience and live love every day with your DC, she has never and will never know a love like that.

(((Hugs)))
When you have your own kids, it really makes you see your own parents' behaviour in a different light doesn't it?
No child deserves to be treated like that and you don't have to put up with it now you are an adult.
I'm so sorry that your mum was like that. Fancy Xmas presents does NOT cancel out her abusive actions toward you.
Sadly, people don't change unless they want to. The best thing you can do now is to minimise her role in your life now, and to get therapy to help you deal with the effects she has had on you

I think you should stay no contact, tbh.

It depends what feels worse to you, I suppose - but she doesn't deserve you in her life.

I would firstly remember you matter ! Unresolved trauma can have many triggers and I am pleased your on the list for neurodivergent assessments. Go back to the GP and ask for the right-to-choose process for the autism assessment as its so much quicker than NHS normal waiting time.

Secondly remember its not your fault.

Simply send the same message to your wider family . Short but to the point.
I am sorry my family and I are absent at functions, there is a bigger picture and I have to do what I think is right for myself and my family. By all means ring to arrange a coffee here tho. ( that way, if they want to see you they come to your home at a convenient time ) .

Thirdly your mum, a simple message to say ..I need processing time mum, I was abused as a child by you and need some therapy for that and time. Let's touch base in 6 months.

Hooe your OK

I could have written a lot of your post myself. My mum had a unpredictable horrible temper and would become violent. I too got called some awful things.

I also went no contact with her a few years back over a serious incident that happened to me where I felt she didn't support me as a mother should. I also just want an apology or some acknowledgement of what happened.

Unfortunately I'm a few years in and there's been no attempt from her to reconcile.

I don't know what to do either. When I've spoken to her in the past about how she behaved when I was younger, she either pretends not to remember or she has genuinely convinced herself it wasn't that bad (it really was). She plays the victim and says I'm out to get her. It's obviously going to be me who tries to resolve it, but I don't feel like I can after being let down so many times.

Sorry I don't have any suggestions for you, but I wanted you to know I really empathise with your situation. It's not nice.

Do not contact her going forward let alone in a suggested 6 months time.

You owe her nothing let alone a relationship here. Have nothing more to do with her going forward. Have a look at and consider posting in the current Well we took you to Stately Hones thread on these Relationships pages.

Why would you at all want to extend an olive branch to your mother?. This is what she is and she will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions. She also needs to be kept well away from your children because she is not emotionally safe enough to be around.

Thankyou for the replies.

In response to the people asking why I would want her in my life. I don't know, she's my Mum and it also feels like I'm cutting myself out of the family because going places will be super awkward if she is there. When will I see my Dad? Family events, even funerals etc. And whereas one sibling supports me. Others don't and I think she's probably painted me in a bad light to extended family over this (I know she text the supportive sister after the incident and sent screenshot of what I sent but conveniently missed out the abuse one 😮‍💨)

I don't feel like I miss her really. I suppose I've become emotionally cold and distanced myself over the years. That's why I haven't visited her often.

Also she's a lot older now so it's harder to picture her as the woman that did that to me. That woman and the (getting) older lady seem like 2 different people but then when things like that happen it all comes flooding back.

I started therapy this week and talked about it a little and will go into it more specifically I think.

This happened a few months ago BTW so there's already been a significant amount of time with no contact.

I think since you've just started therapy, maintain the status quo at least for now.

It's likely to bring up a lot of stuff and you might feel worse and feel quite exposed/vulnerable. I don't think it's the right time to try to smooth things over with her.

I would concentrate on therapy for a good few months and maybe work up to (very boundaried) contact with support from your therapist in the long-term.

You mention your dad? What was he doing while the abuse was happening, has he ever acknowledged it?

Unfortunately some relationships may be collateral damage not because you did anything wrong, but because they will side with your mother. E.g your dad could come and see you on his own couldn't he? So could other relatives. If he hasn't, i assume it's because he doesn't want to incur the wrath of your mum. And of course that is part of the problem, your mother has all the power in the family and it sucks those are the cards you were dealt. But extending an olive branch to your mum is only cementing her power and taking away even more of your own. That's no way to live just to have a family.

I understand op similar childhood

i would go no contact

I really don't think you have done anything wrong, @TwooMuchLabour,
In fact I think you have been remarkably brave.

*I don't feel like I miss her really. I suppose I've become emotionally cold and distanced myself over the years. That's why I haven't visited her often.

Also she's a lot older now so it's harder to picture her as the woman that did that to me. That woman and the (getting) older lady seem like 2 different people but then when things like that happen it all comes flooding back.*

This is very relatable. I really hope you can get some validation in therapy. I know you don't know me, but you deserved better than being treated like that x

Please think of your own welfare first right now. You dont owe anyone else a thing. You are wavering about being NC but before you change that, spend some time working on your therapy. You have been through something that is hugely traumatic and has affected your entire life as both a child and an adult.
Also have a look at some of the online resources about escaping narcissistic abuse. How you feel and react might start to make more sense to you.

I don't understand what drives parents to be like this. My own mother was terribly abusive. She also alienated me from my extended family. I once sent her a message confronting her but got nothing back, so I blocked.

Her abuse had a horrible effect on me and I developed so many mental health problems. Work has always been a struggle as a result. I despise her and to be honest I wish she was dead.

Also she's a lot older now so it's harder to picture her as the woman that did that to me. That woman and the (getting) older lady seem like 2 different people but then when things like that happen it all comes flooding back.

I was NC with my mother for nearly two decades. We briefly got back in touch and I struggled to reconcile the image of the woman who did those things to me with the lonely and vulnerable widow in her late 60s in front of me. But then I thought, why should I should I make allowances for her just because she's vulnerable and looks older when she was more than happy to inflict pain on an innocent, vulnerable child?

I don't really have any advice because I didn't have other family members to consider, but I would say that whatever you do, please be selfish. You owe her nothing.

She would pull my hair. Smack me (with things. Not her hand, such as brushes or slippers) She would dig her long nails into my arms. Once she bit me leaving a bad indent. She would strangle me and also suffocate me by pinching my nose and covering my mouth.
I distinctly remember being scared of bath time because she would pour water over my face and I would panic, which would make her mad because I'd accidentally splash her and then she would grab at me and try and push me down and I thought she would drown me.
I was called stupid. An idiot. She was really aggressive and angry.

Most animals treat their offspring better than that

What an evil cunt.

I don't think she deserves a relationship with you.

I would attempt to establish a separate relationship with your father and sister. I would be very straight about why your relationship with your mother is poor. I would send the other text to my sister with the tag "I think our mother forgot to include this part of our exchange".

(I have a sister with a personality disorder and she was lying to members of the family about an incident (and my behaviour). I sent a concise group message to everyone in the close family stating what I'd said and done (and made clear what I hadn't done). It took the wind out of her sails and she mentioned it, full of resentment & anger about it, later.
It was really inconvenient for her that I told everyone straight, in text, that she was lying/misrepresenting. She has since fucked herself up with pretty much everyone in the family but ateotd she is a sibling and daughter, not the matriarch. I imagine you'll have a lot more trouble in terms of your mother ever being recognised as the problem.

If they won't establish a separate relationship with you; their loss.

And frankly your father should feel intense guilt for pursuing his hobbies & neglecting his family to such an extent, and for not noticing what was happening to you.

Dear OP I'm so so sad you went through such awful abuse as a child and spilled over into adulthood. I had a similar childhood and spent all of my adult life trying to have a relationship with a very demanding narcissistic mother. Funny enough it was a party that broke me and made me realise she will never change and I've been no contact since the summer. Before when I've tried to do this the guilt always drew me back to her and we would carry on ok but then her ways would start again. In the summer I had Covid and couldn't goto a family party she had organised. She lost her mind and started shouting and screaming at my eldest dd (late 20s) about what a rubbish dd I was how crap I was. How I did nothing for them how she doesn't even like me. It went on for so long that my dd broke down and was absolutely inconsolable. She rang me middle of this rant and I could hear that vile woman call my daughter a c**t for trying to reason with her then she belittled her and was mocking her. I went mad. I didn't bring my childhood up I just told her I was absolutely sick of her games and twisted thinking. Honestly I've been the only child for a long time as my step db and dad moved away a long time ago. I've been at that woman's beck and call for years. I'm nearly 52 and want to live the rest of my life in peace. You probably aren't at this stage my lovely but it wouldn't be anyone's fault but hers if you did. Honestly she treated you so so badly as a child. Like you said you couldn't even imagine doing that to your children. It's when we have kids a lightbulb goes on or as in my case when she started her crap with my daughter. Sorry this post has been so long and I can't remember if you're getting therapy to process your life and to help you with your future. You are an amazing woman to get through all that she did to you and go on to have your lovely children. Please please don't feel guilty whatever happens xxxx

So sorry about my lack of paragraphs! I was rant typing xxxx

Thankyou for all the kind words.

It's helping to see I'm justified in my actions.