Mum & Ex Husband

[Finkycat]

This is a long story but I’ll try to keep it short!

I met my ex husband when my parents were getting divorced, mum had a mental breakdown. he was my dads friend and 21 years older and basically looking back he groomed me and controlled my life financially and emotionally.

After 13 years I gained some independence and left him. He has hated me ever since and done some horrendous things but the worst is that he turned my own mother against me (they are 8 years apart).

She just doesn’t see it, he will be invited to all family events instead of me, she is not interested in my children with a new partner

I just want her to stand up for me, tell him he’s in the wrong to hurt her daughter. She just says it’s nothing to do with her regardless of what he does. instead she has this weird obsession with him that she thinks she can’t live without him in her life and I just have to accept this.

how do I just walk away from from my mum, it’s been nearly 10 years and she will still choose him over me. I can’t stand continuing to be hurt like this.

It's hard and I understand how you would be so hurt by her actions.

What I find helps is seeing the difference in my head. The mother I wanted and the mother I myself strive to be for my children is not the mother I have. Pining for a better mother doesn't change the mother we got. It hurts less when you are already expecting to be disappointed but it still hurts.

Would you want a relationship with your mum if you were the one doing the inviting? I don't go to any family event as there is a family member I've cut out there. My mother like yours says it's not her place to get involved and she doesn't want to take sides. Not realising that that stance is essentially her taking sides. But I will see my mother when I arrange things, I can invite her to my house or arrange to meet for lunch and know she won't invite others because it's me organising it. Maybe cutting her out completely would be healthier for me but I haven't taken that step

Is she interested in him romantically? Did neither your mum or your dad raise concerns about your dad's friend who was 21 years older than you, being in a relationship with their daughter?

She sounds awful tbh. I would cut her out of your and your children's lives. She isn't a good mum and, whatever the reason, she has chosen your controlling ex-husband over her own daughter and grandchildren.

She says not romantically but now she’s on her own he does loads around the house for her, she depends on him a lot

yes they were both not happy but he won them over, my dad doesn’t speak to him now but I don’t have a relationship with him either !

Yes I know myself and my children deserve better, to be a priority. It just makes me so sad to have no family and he has her and his own family too

Big hugs OP ❤️. I can't advise you what to do; because only you can decide. But I can share my experience.

Me and my dad haven't had a relationship for 6 years. I was 35 when I called it a day. As long as I can recall I just felt disappointed...that there wasn't more. He was always there, paid his child maintenance...did everything 'right'. But I never felt interesting, loved or tbh a priority in any way. His girlfriend of 25 years I never got on with...she was quite cruel at times. I felt he turned up for the show, but slept through the whole thing. We never argued...I told him how I felt. I had a son of two at that point. I wanted him to be surrounded by people that loved him and we're bothered. I wanted to set an example of that. A year passed. Nothing changed.

I decided to tell him that I no longer wanted a relationship. That was 6 years ago...no protests, no calls, no emotion from him whatsoever. I have been proved right. All I felt was relief. 35 is too old to pretend. I've never regretted it 👍

I don't know if that's helpful at all. Totally different situation. But the essence is we can't choose our parents. Only what we do and don't accept in our lives. Only you can decide if the positives outweigh the negatives 👌.

Good luck OP 🍀❤️

Why are you worried about walking away when your mother has decided she wants nothing to do with you or your children. It's sounds like either he or your mother are demanding your family also cut you off if they don't invite you to family events.

Hold your head high and walk away from them, go nc

I think in your position I wouldn't want contact with your mum. She has made it clear where her loyalty lies and it's not with you. This is deeply hurtful and difficult for you to come to terms with. Perhaps therapy would help you make sense of it all. The loss of the relationship with your mum is something you need to grieve but often we idealise close family relationships and unfortunately some parents are just not able to be good parents. You have a lovely partner and children so you need to concentrate your energies on those people in your life who love and respect you.

If he controlled and groomed you, then it's pretty certain he's doing the same thing with your mother. By manipulating her he is still exercising a degree of control over you.
It's up to you, but I would not lose my mother over a t* like him.
You can meet your mother outside of family situations and hopefully develop her relationship with your children. Don't discuss him with her. This is playing into his hands. Don't run him down to her. He does not exist for you now and has no part in the relationship you are trying to build with your mother.

Hope he's got plenty of resources to care for and support another elderly person in his family seeing as he's decided to adopt your mother. Leave them to it. I don't say that lightly. I cut contact with my parents when they simply couldn't be nice to my children. It's resolved and we are closer now but I do not regret the several years break. We needed it to reset the relationship. You may find this takes care of itself. He's clearly doing it to piss you off and exert secondary control via your mother. Likely he'll get bored with it. Perhaps if you see it like that it might help? She's not lost to you, you can still have her in your life but it just won't look how you want it to.

Time to walk away and get on with your life, trust me, she'll be the one missing out

He will probably do the same with your mum,just as he did to you.she needs warning.

That absolutely sucks. Life is too short to waste your valuable time being overlooked in favour of this man. If she is not showing interest in your children and prioritising him over you at family events I would walk away.

No need to do anything dramatic, just quietly walk away.

It sound like the rest of your life is good, focus your love & energy where it is welcomed and reciprocated.

That sounds really upset ting, but you can’t control your mother’s behaviour. You can only control how you choose to respond to it.

She just doesn’t see it

I would bet good money that deep down she does see it, but if she admits that then she has to admit how she failed to safeguard her daughter from a man that she allowed into her child's life.

Do what's best for you OP, protect yourself and your DC.

I mean there's something not right there. What hold has he got over her. That's really weird. How old were you when you met him? Like first?

Yeah she's in deep denial and trying to keep this man close so she doesn't have to face what he really is. Have you had any professional help with this subject I feel maybe it would help you xxxx

I would send her a message
Dear mother
I just need to get this off my chest and i have made the decision that ill have no further contact with you going forward .
You know the awful abuse x put me through as a mother ill never understand how you could turn a blind eye and choose my abuser over your own child you are everything I strive not to be as a mother .
You are allowing x to continue his abuse of me even after I managed to get away through you and I won't allow that to happen anymore.
Good luck with x you are going to need it and when it's YOU on the receiving end don't come to me for sympathy or support you deserve it all .

Then block her she's not a mother you need to choose you now and he's still abusing and controlling you through your mother TAKE HIS CONTROL AWAY you will probably find he drops her like a hot potato once he's no longer able to cause you trouble .

It's sad for you but your mu has forged a strong friendship with this man and relies in hi. Fo a lot of help. I think you need to accept that it's the way it is and if you can't accept it then break contact with your mum.

This is exactly right, I think you probably will need some therapy to process this though. You'll need to grieve for the mum you don't have, that you wish she was but isn't. Then you need to look at what is possible with the mother you have, and whether you want that. You might want to cut her out, but if there's a way you can stay in touch AND protect your mental health and your children, then see what that looks like.
Delving into their relationship, what's going on, why it's going on, seeing that she "chooses" him or that he's turned her against you won't change the current situation. It's all horrid and sad but you can only change your own behaviour, you can't "make" her a better mother and it's not your fault she's like this. So no dwelling on it will help things or change things. Instead, prioritise yourself, process what you've lost, then decide a way forward. Personally, I never think cutting someone out should be the first step, even if they're not a good parent.