Not happy with him

[MyKindLemur]

Hi everyone I really need some advice on my situation. I split from my children's father 2 years ago after 14 years together, and I moved back to my hometown where I have family and friends, been back 1 and half years, Kids have adjusted well and settled in school. I went on a few dates and last year met boyfriend (of nearly 1 year). I just feel like my needs are not being met at all and I don't know what to do as I do love him and kids used to him.
He works full time and he has 4 kids from previous relationships (1 lives with him, she's 16) and we have fallen into this routine where he comes round every second evening usually late arrives around 10 ( when we arrange half 8/9) always says oh sorry I'm late...this happened or had to do this. And I'm sick of that and him saying he never time etc and won't make plans together. He's hardly ever in the mood to be intimate, never spends the night (as prefers to stay at home as 16 year old at home, which I can understand). And the could hours we spend together seems to be dominated by him talking about himself (lots of cuddles and kisses but that's as far as it goes) he smokes green, a lot. He gave up smoking at new years and he turned into such an arse hole he was angry and ranting about stuff and not nice at all until he had a smoke and was ok. Thing is I've realised I've only just seen this side to him and is this what's he's actually like, just the smoke chills hime out?!he tells me he loves me all time time, says I'm amazing etc says all the right things, but I just feel like none of my needs are being met, like he's just stealing all my energy?! I didn't leave an unhappy 14 year relationship to end up in another. I don't know what to do or how to extract myself from the situation with out hurting anyone. Any help would be amazing 👏

Oh good lord, throw this one back. He’s basically your druggy mate. He’s popping into see you for a chat before going home. You never go out, he can’t be bothered to show up on time, you don’t have sex, he rants when he’s not off his tits on something, and to top it off you’re only a years in. It’s not going to get better. If anything it’ll get a lot worse.

Do you really want your DC growing up with a stoned loser under their roof?

You can’t avoid hurting him but just rip off the band aid and tell him it’s not working for you.

You don’t live together and don’t share kids or finances so making a clean break isn’t as complicated. Are you getting anything out of this relationship continuing?

He's an addict Op, if he's an arsehole when he doesn't smoke then he's an addict. He spends next to no time with you except at your home, there's no fun, little sex and he's putting his spare money into weed. You could do so much better than him

Thank you for the replies everyone :) he's a walking red flag and I've only just realised this over the last few weeks with his behaviour and being mean. I think when he came over one evening I was really upset as u was just exhausted and overwhelmed (full on kids and everything over Christmas holidays and 3 weeks off work) and he literally left and went home when i was upset, and later said i was not my usual happy self and said i was a miserable cow, that triggered me and i told him in no uncertain terms that i would not tolerate being called names just cause he was in a mood, (first time hes said anything like that to me) anyway, he calms down and then apologies after so I just kind of let it go stupidly. He bailed on helping me move some furniture around and reassembling a cabin bed as I was giving kids their own rooms as they couldn't share anymore. He basically said I didn't expect to have to do it on my only day off etc and then said he mentioned to his daughter he was coming to help me with a bed and apparently she wasn't impressed so he didn't come down. There's so many things I've just let go and I don't know why I have, but I just feel like such an idiot. I don't really want to have to tell him face to face either as I don't know how he will react. I feel like I'll miss him :(

You'll miss him? Get a dog instead. this dude is a loser x

Oh just bin him off. He's an arse.

What will you miss? His scintillating stoned up ramblings? His bailing out letting you down? His aggressiveness when he hasn’t got his weed? His late night visits when he’s got no one else available? The zero sex?

There seems very little to miss tbh. This isn’t a functioning relationship

Parenting 101: don't bring a drug addict into the home you share with your children.

Seriously.

That's the kind of unspoken rule that comes after "don't burn your kids with cigarettes", it's so basic I'm in shock that it needs to be said.

You won't miss HIM @MyKindLemur , you'll miss some adult company. He says he loves you but he's not bothered about seeing you if his DD says No? I suspect that's far more about his DD not wanting a rival to her Dad's affections. Frankly Op, this whole thing is a hiding to nothing- tell him goodbye

I think deep down i know it's not right for me, I will have to end it. Thanks for the replies really helped put things into perspective x