Would you stay friends?

[BettyHarper]

I have a couple of friends who go way back and I’m starting to wonder whether to stop trying to keep our friendship going. Neither ever text or contact me, and never arrange to meet (I really mean never, it’s tumbleweed if I don’t contact them). Both are mums, and I don’t have children, so I don’t know if that’s just what’s expected, they don’t have the time or head space maybe.

I have had some difficulties with them in the past where I was going through years of fertility treatments and both behaved in hurtful ways during this time. One has acknowledged it and apologised, but the other hasn’t. I made my peace with it all because I’ve realised they’re not emotionally very aware. I don’t believe they’re vindictive people, just thoughtless at times. We are not as close as we once were, but they’re more the type of friends to meet up with once in a while for lighthearted chats and laughs. But the total lack of effort from their side makes me wonder if they actually want to be friends anymore.

if we weren’t friends from school I would have cut ties by now but it’s harder to let go as we have lots of fond memories from the past. At the same time I know life changes and so do people. I’m making more mid-life friends which have more depth and a nice gentle pace, no drama. I guess I don’t want to lose the last of my long time friends, this makes me feel a bit sad.

I know how you feel. I’d recommend you don’t try and box them off one way or another. Rather, just keep the contact but lighter than you have done in the past. Give it less energy but remain pleasant and maybe meet up once or twice a year. Reduce expectations.

Only you know! If it’s worth the effort because you get something out of meeting when you do arrange it, go on. If not….what’s the point?

Thank you, I am trying my best to have no expectations of them but it’s hard as we used to be so close- I miss how our friendship used to be. I only see them once or twice a year. I have to accept that things have changed and part of that is probably stepping back and focusing my energy on new and potential friendships. When I see groups of girlfriends together I feel quite wistful that I no longer have close friendships in my life. I wonder if this is common for women in mid life, it feels lonely sometimes. I don’t have children so understand that life paths diverge and this affects friendships. It seems unfair as my partner is still really close to his male friends from uni, most have children now but still make time for catching up on the group chat and meeting every few months.

I have a few different friendship groups and I think I’m the only one without kids (I’m 48). Generally, the onus is on me to instigate meet ups and contact as I’ve only myself and my husband to be concerned with and they all have families. The expectation is usually that I’m available and that I’ll travel to see people.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a case of no effort meaning that people don’t want to continue friendships, more that they have different priorities and don’t always find the time. That being said, I’m a big believer in if something is important you’ll make time for it in some way.

I think only you know if it’s worth pursuing these friendships - do you have fun when you do meet them or do you feel like you’re flogging a dead horse?

We do have a laugh when we meet up. One friend is a bit self centred and boasty but the other isn’t, and we usually divert the topic when it gets that way… so yes generally lighthearted and we share a love of food so it’s nice to get together. I usually do dinner for them.

I guess you’re right about having more headspace for friends and relationships when you don’t have kids. I just wish that the friendship was a tiny bit reciprocal, as in a text to say how are you every so often. I think I just need to lower my expectations as mentioned and just be okay with how things are.