School mums

[Schoolrunisbizarre]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, wasn't sure where to put it.

We moved to the area just over a year ago and DD moved schools (year 3), seemingly lovely parents in - I guess- quite a affluent area (we're not particularly well off however, but 'normal'/get by).

I have my own friends from uni/jobs etc, but tried to embrace the move, new community & people and have made a good effort to do things locally.

It just all feels a bit weird. Like I'm living in an odd place where I don't really understand anything or anyone..does that sound nuts?
School mums are friendly, and in many ways seem lovely - I've had a few over for play dates and coffee, yet often they seem to go a bit cold following that. Maybe it's a tick box to them, ie be friendly and welcoming to the newbies, then job done.

Appreciate others have busy lives and existing friendships, so I don't expect too much. But I don't know - it's hard to explain. It just feels like there's a bitchy, fake undercurrents, as in they're all very 'nice' to each other, but (and I've heard some things to support this), most don't like each other/have historic beefs.

That's all fine, I'm more than happy to stay out of any drama! But it does leave a weird vibe hanging, and I guess - I do wonder how genuine everyone is.
It feels weird welcoming people into my home and then them being a bit off, unless I'm imagining it! Nothing weird about my house - very similar one to others here. So maybe they just don't like me (which is their prerogative).

I guess it doesn't matter really - I need to concentrate on other things. I just don't want to feel uncomfortable doing the school run over the next few years! Does any of this make any sense whatsoever, or am I losing the plot entirely?!!! Sometimes I feel like a complete alien..

You are massively overthinking it. Massively

British people take years to warm up, it's not personal.

They are obviously friendly and coming over for playdates. If they were superficially friendly, they wouldn't come.

They are 'cold' after the playdates. Could anything be happening during the playdate to put them off?

School mums are school mums. Not friends. You might find one you click with but you don't automatically have anything in common with a single one of them other than children at that school.

Nod and smile, I always liked them at arms length and didn't get involved, other than one who I genuinely immediately clicked with and have remained friends now the kids are older, we see each other without the kids. Nod and smile, get in and get out.

You’re stuck with the parents of your kids classmates for 6 years so makes sense to be friendly but most won’t ever become proper friends because all you have in common really is kids born in the same academic year. Don’t overthink it! As for welcoming you, it probably is a tick box to them. So do coffee, invite you to stay for one playdate then it’s a face to a name when you message about the kids plus they get suss you out and determine you’re not a psycho so they’re happy to let their DC go to yours going forwards. But like you they’re probably busy with their own lives and friends and just aren’t looking for new people to be close friends with right now.

Some school mums got too closw and got burnt it's perfect being superficially friendly at arms length..it was also a tick box for you to know some parents and have they know you, see your home so feel more at ease at their children coming over. It was a success in that sense.
When you say they cold, what did you expect to happen that didnt?

My friends I've made at school are people I've met in school who I have a laugh with and who are similar to me. We've done the very odd play date but our kids don't really get on. So we mainly do grown up only things and text.

My kid's friend's moms I make an effort to get on with and be friendly and 100% would meet for a coffee or invite in at pick up, but I'm aware that our relationship is based on our kids friendship rather than any shared interests. I would consider my friendship with them secondary to our kids relationship and would prioritise the kids relationship. I also am aware those mom relationships are conditional on our kids friendship.

Thanks for the replies, all makes lots of sense.

And yes - I probably am overthinking it, one of my annoying habits.

I think I do just need to chill, these aren't necessarily friends, so I can be polite and friendly and leave it at that..

thanks for further replies

Ohpooh I don't really expect anything, just lots of messages and meet ups from them, then it stopped one day.
I don't mind, I just find it a bit confusing, but I've decided to chill about it all (I think writing it down has helped).

I get that livelaughlurgy

and sometimes it take a while for relationships to develop organically, years even (if they ever will). We'll see, but I'm feeling more relaxed and less neurotic about it, which is good

Year 3 seems a bit old to have play dates where parents stay. Were they expecting not to and then sort of felt a bit trapped? I hate to say it, but I avoid any parents who seem to want to hang around and chat. I don’t mind having their dc over, but I probably wouldn’t if I felt like they’d want to stay.

We moved at a similar age a few years ago and the friendships developed organically. Just through dc’s friendships, going to community events where we’d run into other parents, volunteering at school functions, and just chatting to neighbours.

You are hugely overthinking this and demonstrating a huge lack of self belief and esteem. Just go for it, stop worrying, you are doing fine.

School Mum friends can take a while, and some you may not warm to straight away can warm later.

I found most to be busy, but with patience and casual invites it does start to build.

there will always be the social climbers or uninterested few, but you should meet some gems. Just patience and don’t overthink things, I’m sure Mums are just busy racing around trying to do drops, work and thinking what clubs they have to get to.

You have nothing in common with these people apart from having kids of about the same age. The school mums are no more likely to be 'friend' material than anyone else.