New baby bringing up feelings of anger towards my parents

[Stuckinmybrain]

Hi all,

I have a baby DS who is 11 weeks old, my first baby and he is beautiful, mostly really happy and relatively chilled out.

My parents have always been difficult - my mum’s volatile emotions dominated our house and family growing up, and my dad never protected us from them. She would give us days of silent treatment or shout and scream at us. My earliest memory is of sitting on the stairs screaming ‘mummy mummy mummy’ through the bannisters until I felt physically sick because she was completely ignoring me, aged maybe 4-5. We were brought up to placate her and as such I feel that I became an extreme people pleaser with no true sense of self. I’ve had a lot of counselling to try and fix this.

From my POV, they spent my entire childhood pushing me away, and then when I reached adulthood they claimed to be distraught that I wanted less to do with them. My mum essentially started a smear campaign against me, lying about me to other family members. This has gone on in fits and starts from when I left uni at 22 to my pregnancy with DS at 30, with periods of ‘calm’ in between.

They’ve continued to be difficult and self-centred since DS was born, and I’m seeing them less now. I’ve had great advice on here about their behaviour several times, all advising LC or even NC.

This is all just for context so you can maybe see how this might have impacted us growing up.

I’ve always been adament that I want to be very different as a mother to how I was brought up. Since having DS, I’ve found these feelings really difficult and raw. If I get the slightest bit worked up by his crying (we had a sleepless night with him last night and I ended up crying because I couldn’t settle him), I really beat myself up about it. In the worst moments, I think of myself as a failure and a terrible mum, and that DS doesn’t like me and can tell that I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve worked so hard in counselling to heal from how I was treated, but I’m finding it raw and triggering, for want of a better word, now that DS is here. I love him beyond belief, but becoming a parent has made me so so angry about how I was treated and yet terrified that I’ll end up like my own mum. I feel such deep sadness for the little girl that I was and that nobody, not my dad or extended family or teachers etc, tried to protect me/her.

Can anyone relate to this? What helped you to deal with it? My parents will never ever acknowledge their behaviour, let alone apologise for any of it, so I’m not going to be able to find any peace there. I want to be able to shrug off the past and be authentic for DS.

Any and all advice hugely welcome. TIA x

My mum was very similar, I have memories of being ignored too, and treated very cruelly. I constantly remind myself I'm nothing like her, I know I would never treat my children anything like she did to us. I have zero confidence, low self esteem and many problems stemming from my childhood, I see my children bubbly, chatty, loved and happy and this is my comfort. I think the best mums come from this as we know what emotional neglect can do and feel like

I had a similar father. I empathize with everything you've said and agree with pp. It has a profound and positive effect on my parenting. Don't be hard on yourself, you aren't and won't be perfect, but as you are aware of your behaviour and learning from it you are already doing hundreds times better. And when your DC is old enough, always apologize when you get things wrong. I do this. Never had an apology in my life and remember lots of tension shouting and silent treatment. I deal with it now by keeping firm barriers between me and parents. I won't stand for it any more. Be kind to yourself

Thank you @UnrealisticGoals25 🙏 I’m really sorry you’ve been through this too.

Like you, I look at DS and his beautiful smile, inquisitive little face, the babbling he’s starting to do etc, and think ‘how could anyone treat their baby like I was treated?’ My dad openly said to me that I stopped behaving like this (like DS does) when I became aware of my mum’s behaviour and reactions. It’s heartbreaking.

I’d heard before DS was born that having children triggers difficult feelings about how you were treated at their age/at each age, if that makes sense? But I didn’t quite grasp how difficult that would feel.

Thank you again for your post

Thank you 🙏 again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for your reassuring words x

I'm of a generation when having a baby and not being married was considered a social stigma. So when I became pregnant as a young 21 year old living at home my parents made it clear my son would never be allowed in their house and, under pressure from them, I agreed to have him adopted. In the event he died at three weeks old - he was premature and his lungs weren't formed properly - while I was living in a mother and baby home because I couldn't bear to be parted from him. But the unkindness of my parents and the many dreadful things that were said and done at this time affected me for my whole life.
So when my second son was born many years later, as a result of fertility treatment l found it really traumatic. Partly because of my first sons death but partly because of my parents behaviour towards him and me at that time. I found them being around my new baby and being loving and " good grandparents" to him almost impossible to bear. I only put up with it because my DH had no relatives and my son had hardly a relative in the world apart from me and his DH. I thought I owed it to him to let him have a relationship with his grandparents.

So although my situation is different from yours OP I really do empathise with your feelings.

Oh my goodness, I’m so so sorry for the loss of your son and for what you’ve been through. Your parents were unimaginably cruel. I’m so sorry.

Absolutely, it’s the pretence and facade of them wanting to act as ‘lovely grandma and grandad’ when their behaviour towards me has always been anything but. It’s really excruciating.

My mum was the same and a very early memory for me was dancing around her saying mummy as she turned away from me. She would claim that she was sensitive and any small slight would mean a few days of the silent treatment, at four this would be things like saying I didn’t like her, totally normal pre-school behaviour. When my first child was born I had a period where I really struggled and actually felt almost hatred towards her, I could not fathom how she could have treated her children like that knowing how I felt about my own son. I, like you, struggle intensely if I feel I have been even slightly unkind to my children whilst objectively knowing I am a very receptive and warm parent. I have to remind myself of this every time I have to give the children normal boundaries, that some boundaries are good and necessary and that I am not my mother. I would say that you should not put pressure on yourself to mend this relationship. I am cordial with my mother, I recognise that she had a terrible childhood which has damaged her. I do not however let her come close enough to cause me or my children any upset and I am confident that being firm in this boundary is the best thing I can do for them and myself. Remember, they may have had their own trauma but so do we, from them, and we are not continuing it for our children so they made a choice

My mum wasn't as bad as yours. She did her best, but her best wasn't very good. I remember looking at baby DS and thinking there's no way they love me like I love him - I can't imagine being so indifferent to my kids. Dd10 comes to me when shes upset, and by that age I'd given up trying to get comfort from either parent, so I think I'm doing better on that front.

Yes. I went on to develop severe pnd and pyschosis and on the back of that I had therapy with a local infant parenting service and we spent a long time talking about my mother and how she wasn't a parenting figure. It was really helpful. There was a lot on not knowing what a "good mum" looked like with not having a frame of reference. I had it for about 18 months and it was absolutely the best support I had for the pnd.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. Since I was about 8 I've been her mother responsible for fulfilling her needs and ignoring mine. As a result of this I've had a fairly one sided relationship with her. She gets superficial stuff from me and I support her. I felt so guilty about this until my daughter came along and no longer do. I had my daughter through the pandemic, not allowed family to visit for weeks and months at a time. My partner working a ridiculous shift pattern. My daughter had severe silent reflux and a ton of food allergies not diagnosed until she was nearly 5 months. She screamed every waking moment for weeks and months. Did she reach out to see if I was ok? No. No she learnt what times of day I went for a walking nap and used me as "her captive audience" (her words) to talk nonsense when I was struggling to keep afloat.
Enough was enough when I was expected mediate between her and my sister having just been admitted to a psychiatric ward. They didn't know that but I made the decision to stop being the family fixer whilst they can't be considerate of the situation I might be.

I do need more therapy on this but another time I think. Having a child has made me look differently on my relationship with my mother. I've realised a lot about myself. I am trying really hard not to replicate her way of parenting.

That’s absolutely tragic.
So sorry you had to endure that loss.

A woman I know was born outside of marriage and her dad was told by his own mother “ I suppose it’s got to go into a Home” (Child didn’t go into a home)

The dad never really forgave his mother for saying that.

A lovely 16 yr old I knew had a baby son taken from her at one of those terrible Catholic homes

I just hope she was able to reunite with him when legally able to.

I think a lot of people have this when they become parents. It drags up repressed feelings about our own childhoods and our own parents. Take time to process your feelings but ultimately you have to forgive and move on or cut contact and move on. And remember in 30 years your kid might be feeling the same about you no matter how different you think you will be!

No you do not have to forgive them. Your parents had a choice when it came to you and they chose to do likely what was done to them also as children. I do not forgive people that don't express regret, don't accept responsibility, don't make restitution, don't genuinely repent, don't ask for forgiveness and don't change their dehumanising behaviours.

Handing out forgiveness to toxic parents who have done nothing to earn it is an insult to the entire concept of forgiveness.

Forgiving yourself is useful but throwing forgiveness around like cheap halloween sweets?. No sod that for a game of soldiers.

It is more important for you to heal from their abuse.

Toxic dysfunction can and does go down the generations but it looks thankfully that it has stopped with you. You have a choice to make re your child and you are not going to behave as your parents did with you. You are not your parents and are completely separate from them. Your child as an adult will not hold you in such disdain.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

I feel like its quite normal to reassess you childhood and your parents and relationship when having your own child.
Maybe its not for people with healthy relationships!?
My husband has a very difficult relationship with his parents particularly his mother, not dissimilar to your experiences. I think he'd made some sort of peace with it but having our daughter definitely brought up a lot of pain for him. He feels really hurt thinking about how his mother treated him and still treats him, her priorities etc. I think partly because he feels how he would never treat our child in that way and can't rationalise why she felt so differently about him.
He definitely feels the same guilt and fear that you have felt. I reassure him a lot. I praise how different he is to his parents.
It's really hard. Even I have a really close relationship with my parents but looking back with the context of being a parent I find it so hard not to judge some of the choices they made and certain specific situations I'd rationalised, I now find very hurtful.
We haven't really addressed either of these situations with our parents, just try to manage our feelings as a couple and do our best for our child.

I didn't face what you did, OP, but I have had many moments of being sort of triggered by something about my child that is stirring something difficult from my own childhood.

I know it is worrying and upsetting and that this really doesn't feel like the time for introspection and processing old grief and distress but I don't think there is any way round it. Because your childhood was long and complex, inevitably there are still reservoirs of feeling you didn't have the capacity to understand or process when you first experienced them. They are coming up now because of the intensity and fundamentally earth shattering nature of the relationship you are forming with your own child. The best you can do, imo is notice, make sure you give attention to where it's coming from, allow yourself to recognise why you feel that way and talk yourself through it. In stuff where you feel angry or impatient, remember that is how you were treated when displaying need, so when your child displays that need, you will feel naturally very anxious for that feeling to go away so you can avoid the backlash you were conditioned to expect. Sorting through things that way has been enormously helpful for me - my mother was unable to cope with noise or mess and it took me ages to realise that I was in panic and fear about meds and noise in my own kids because I was anticipating almost the loss of the world (my DM was a single parent for a while and sparking her fury felt existwntially threatening - like I could lose the only person looking after me).

Untangling this has made it much easier to cope with mess and noise from my kids. I have also learned to welcome the spike of annoyance I still sometimes feel because it is an opportunity to process/ release the little kernel of hurt it comes from. The general trajectory on the intensity of these feelings is downward; each time I pay attention amd try to soothe myself, the less full on it is the next time it comes up.

I would also say that I have found it incredibly healing to offer my children the love and kindness I wished I had felt at certain times, so when you feel yourself feeling that allow yourself to feel soothed by the soothing you offer your child.

I know it is all hard but it is honestly a wonderful path that being a parent can offer you. Don't be hard on yourself for being overwhelmed by it all and try to remeber you have a lifetime to build your relationship with your LO. Take your time and give yourself the grace that you needed as a child. It will make it so much easier to find the grace for your child you are so determined to find.

My mother alternated between being distant and being a bully - mostly emotional bullying but with some sound smacking thrown in. I always knew that I would not be a mother until I was confident that I could do it differently. I didn't struggle too much with parenting or with my feelings about my mother until DD1 was about 18 months old and we started to experience the usual toddler resistance and tantrums and I realised I had no idea how to deal with it. I wasn't going to yell or smack or punish but what did the alternative look like?

I read a lot of positive parenting books like "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" and I took a number of parenting workshops and classes at the New Learning Centre in London where they teach "Positive, Firm and Consistent" parenting. It helped me so much. I needed to be intentional about the kind of parent I wanted to be.

As my daughters grew, I found I experienced recurring anger towards my mother for how she treated me and towards my father who allowed it. For example, DD reached 8 and I would look at her and think how little she was and then recall a specific time when I was mistreated at that age and I would feel so hurt and angry. I know my brother has experienced this too.

Now I take great pride in being a different kind of parent. My DDs are young adults now and we have good relationships. We have never argued and I barely ever needed to correct them as children. I keep my mother at arm's length now and my daughters merely have a polite relationship with her. She doesn't know us (she probably thinks she does) but that's on her. I have never bothered to have a discussion with her about the way she treated us. I don't believe she is capable of listening or understanding and I have no intention spending my emotional energy on this. She squandered her chance to know me and that's her loss because I'm pretty nice.

I hope you find your way through it all. I felt being a mother made me feel grief at times for a childhood I thought I had put behind me. Just read that your time and your emotional energy are for those who deserve it.

*sorry, should say "just remember"

Thank you so much for your replies 🙏🏼

@SandrenaIsMyBloodType thank you for the book recommendation. I’ve got quite a few parenting/psychology books on my TBR list, and I’m considering doing a child psychology course as well. It might not make the feelings go away, but it might be reassuring to know I’m getting ‘proper’ guidance on how to do things right.

@WoopsLiza your post is so moving, thank you 💐 I’m going to save it to come back to.

Oh, your post resonates so hard with me.
I have been NC with my father for 6 years now, after years and years of having to undergo his abuse, outbursts, his manipulative behaviour, etc.
It was around the time I became a mum.

Been in therapy for years now, dealing with the impact of my fathers behaviour, and not even close to fully healing - if that's even possible.
What I struggle most with is the constant question: am I like him?
Whenever I get angry with my daughters, or when I get overwhelmed with stress, when I get angry. Or whenever I put my own needs first for even half a minute.
It's really hard not to look in the mirror and see him looking back at me, even though rationally I know that I'm a much better parent than he ever was just for asking myself whether I'm doing things right. He never asked himself that question, and never cared either.

Maybe you could read about Donald Winnicot's work on 'the good enough mother'. His books were written in the 1950, so you probably won't find any originals. But many people have written about his work since.
It talks about how resilient children are, and that doing everything right all the time is completely unneccessary for raising emotionally healthy children. I think you have to answer about 30% of your childs emotional needs to make sure you have emotionally healthy children, so it helps you set the bar a bit lower.

Can you look into EMDR therapy? I know it sounds woo woo but it is evidence based / offered by the NHS