Partner only wants sex on his terms!

[NeatGoldBiscuit]

Hey so iv been with my partner for nearly 17 years (33) (31) we have 2 beautiful children together but anyways at the start sex was so great we would have it often every day.but as the years have gone by its like he'll only ever have sex on his terms I mean I have tried being intermate but he'll always say later but we never have it.its been about a month now since we did something.he wanks alot over porn when ever I leave the house he'll watch porn I spoken to him about it and he's gotten defensive and say he's had enough of me saying stuff I never reject him when ever he wants sex also the only thing that turns him on is the thought of me sleeping with other people I do go to my parents house alot only because I care for my mum he said if I spend more time at home I may get sex but I seen he messaged a women flirting he said it ment nothing he was drunk and blacked out but he deleted the whole conversation also he says later I go to be early because I wake up with the children in the morning he never comes to bed when I go to bed he stays up watching YouTube or he says I'm not tired there so much more to say but I don't have all day typing but I'm sure people get the gist I'm at the point now I want to leave him but our children absolutely love him and I do to iv tried talking to him but he just won't talk he said all I care about is sex and he sex its soo off putting but its not like that I just want to feel wanted just to mention when we do have sex he always goes floppy so I give up and think am I doing something wrong am I good enough for him does he find me attractive things go throw my head all the time but I find it so hard to talk to him. Has anyone had this before

1. It's the porn ruining him. If you won't listen to you maybe write him a letter explaining how setting it is. If you don't live in a sexless marriage that maybe you need to give him an ultimatum. Suggest that he needs to try counseling or something to make things improve.
2. Please start using full stops and capital letters. That was the world's longest sentence and hurt my brain.

There could be any number of reasons for him going off sex but from what you describe it sounds like he watches a lot of porn and has a cuckold fetish.

For some men, they watch so much porn that actual sex no longer works for them. He may also be insensitive from a lot of masturbation.

If you're unsatisfied, the only way forward is to speak to him about it. He'll need to stop using porn and hopefully that will improve your sex life.

If counseling is an option, give it a go. Failing that, if he is a decent parent then he will understand that breaking up with you doesn't mean breaking up with the kids - you can do 50:50. If he doesn't want 50:50 or at least 60:40, revise your opinion of him as a parent.
You are super young, this doesn't have to be your life...if it can be improved then great, otherwise it's probably time to move on.

It does sound as if emotionally and physically you're leading quite separate lives. Can you think of some ways to connect a bit more? Is he right that you're spending large chunks of time at your mum's? I know that's normal for a lot of people but if it's getting in the way of your marriage maybe demonstrate to him that you can spend more time with him?

I would book a couples counsellor that specialises in problems with intimacy.

Your ‘d’h has a porn addiction, and unless he seeks professional help he will ruin your relationship. The erectile dysfunction is a known consequence to this disorder. It will only get worse.

YANBU to want a normal, healthy relationship op, and unless he is willing to address his addiction then you should leave and enjoy a full relationship with someone else, as this will be destroying your self confidence.

He’s addicted to porn. He can’t have an intimate relationship because he can’t and he won’t change.

He is putting it all on you when it isn’t you. Just end it.

You are not unreasonable to expect your sexual relationships to be with someone who desires you, who wants your experience to be enjoyable and who isn't going to use manipulation and guilt-tripping to get you to prioritise a fettish that doesn't work for you.

He's chosen porn and fettishism as being more important to him than your own needs and wants. You don't have to go along with that.

As a first step I would be disengaging with him sexually. He's not interested in your needs, he's not your partner any more in that sense. Separate bedrooms may make the most sense for now. He may still be your partner for the purpose of life admin and parenting and that may continue to work ok for a few years but that won't last forever so you'll need an exit plan in the longer term.

I think so many men watch too much porn and then regular sex is not arousing enough for them. They are just interested in their own ‘needs’. Can you talk to him about this if you think he will be receptive to a conversation about it.