Overwhelmed by blended family dynamic and bad parenting

[B0146]

just want some advice. Me and partner have a child together. He also has another child from previous fling turned relationship.

i was pushed to the side in pregnancy, buying stuff for the baby, all the planning and buying was done alone, apart from scans (he would attend them) and living separately whilst he had sole custody of other child.

we patched stuff up and was given an ultimatum and since my child was born he has stepped up,and we all lived together as a family, however, his child was living with him full time as mother couldn’t cope and just frankly couldn’t be bothered. Childs been back and forth when she’s had enough of being a parent. I’ve stepped in and did all the child care, school runs etc and then eventually Childs mums starting seeing child more and eventually staying at weekends occasionally and then asked for child back.

my partner agreed and I felt really annoyed A because I didn’t think he was doing the right thing and protecting his child and B because I’d stepped in because of her absence, it felt like a stab in the back.

fast forwards and she’s been consistent with child, now she’s met someone, although they seem to do most the childcare and the school run with the child and we have every weekend, but she has moved away and moved schools. My step child’s behaviour is getting worse and worse. Cries everytime they don’t get their own way, compulsive lying, playing me and partner against eachother, swearing (child is 5!) attention seeking, anger and tantrums frequently and sometimes result in child hurting me, will not listen to what they’re being told and just overwhelming and rude.

i worry my child will see this behaviour and think it’s acceptable. If I bring it up with partner he just brushes it off and gets annoyed. I’m at the point where I’m finding the situation too much and I’m getting resentful. If we separate I worry about my child being around this behaviour and not having me around to point out this isn’t okay. What would you do in this situation? I’m at breaking point.

Why the hell are you putting up with this shite???

He pushed you aside during pregnancy? Fuck him off.

You did the childcare and school runs for his child, even after how you had already been treated? Fuck him off some more!

5 year old child is acting up because she's been pushed from pillar to post, her parents have both neglected her and you're surprised? Fuck that man right out of your life!

Have a bit of pride!

Don't let him have unsupervised access to your child. Contact centre only. If he even bothers with your child that is.

Run fast and run far.

I have no idea why you want to be involved in this shitshow. He's shown you explicitly that he's happy for you to do all the drudge work and has no concern about his child acting out or being neglected.

It’s been more for the children’s sakes.

i did alot with his child before and became a constant. I didn’t wanna be another person to let him down.

I fell pregnant ( contraception issue) and this just added to more guilt.

Not my child but I care deeply for them and their future and also because they’re my child’s sibling. I’ve basically stayed with him so they see their dad in a good family ish environment.

The excuse is if he says anything or brings anything up with Childs mother she will kick off and involve child in their argument (which she does) and he tries to stay positive for the child’s sake and will hope as they get older they will make a choice to stay with us.

I know I probably come across as a massive mug but I’m just really worried about if my child spends time with their dad and sibling how it will effect them, I know he is entitled to see my child and I can’t really stop him.

You seem to be making excuses because it's difficult to leave. As though he'll bother fighting to see his child.

It’s not difficult to leave him. It is difficult to see his child go through yet another change and another person leaving his life and some consistency yeah.

it’s also hard to digest that if we spilt and he didnt bother how that would effect my child. Or if he did put up a bit of a fight to see him and being around that.

I feel like I don’t know what the best situation is, either way it feels impossible.

Your own child's emotional development and long term MH prospects are being sacrificed here for your notion that you are helping someone elses child?

Why?

Your instincts are correct - your child has already been damaged by this toxic set of people - its your job to get them far away to protect them from this chaos.

Whats stopping you?

Your parter is vile and the step child will only get worse. Cut loose asap.

It's not "her child". It's their child and she can't just stop him from unsupervised access unless there is court order in place which happens in serious cases only.

Unfortunately all of that should have been thought of before having a child together. He already has a child that he should have been focusing on as it seems there is a lot of trauma to deal with.

The only solution now is to separate and do damage control. It might be in best interest of the first child to not be a part of blended family either.

I know he is entitled to see my child and I can’t really stop him.

Sadly, there is a very good chance he won't even want to.

It was a very different circumstance to start with. He had full custody and child was settled.

pregnancy was not planned at all and a big shock! (Was on the copper coil). This situation was not messy and straight forwards. I couldn’t justify not carrying on my pregnancy when I was with someone who seemed like a dad who had took on full custody and cared for his child.

possibly, I’ve probably gone about it wrong trying to create a family for the children when it’s with the wrong person.

i was pushed to the side in pregnancy, buying stuff for the baby, all the planning and buying was done alone, apart from scans (he would attend them) and living separately whilst he had sole custody of other child.

How do you square the above comment with this one:

"I couldn’t justify not carrying on my pregnancy when I was with someone who seemed like a dad who had took on full custody and cared for his child."

He rejected his unborn child and the mother of his unborn child?

the first few months of pregnancy were smooth sailing and no issues. Seemed excited for baby.

it wasn’t until the 4 month stage he just went downhill. I was well into pregnancy then, of course I wouldn’t have brought a child into the world if I thought this was the situation, who would?

he stayed in contact but was very half bothered, he then wanted us to work and move into the house he had just brought. I suppose as a first time mum I just wanted my child to have a dad, to know their sibling, I wanted it to work for my kid and to a degree his also as I cared about them too and it made me happy thinking they would grow up together, plus the security of a house for my child.

He sounds like he’s a s… parent .
You OP are the opposite.
You can’t cure everyone else’s problems.
Move on and take your child with you . I suspect contact will be limited and you can have a much simpler life as a caring proactive parent x

I didn't mean to sound like I critise your choices. We are only human and things happen. I was just saying that it's too late as he already is a father of your child and all you can do is manage the damage. You can't just withhold a child from him as other poster suggested. He will have access to his child when you split up.

Well I hope you working and have savings and aren't playing SAHM to a man you aren't married to whilst you live in his house and provide free childcare for his child. Why you would be doing school runs for him I don't know, you say it's for the child sake, but the child doesn't suffer somehow by having their father take them to school.

I agree. Although it worries me the thought of him having my child unsupervised I feel like I don’t have a right to take the opportunity from my child having a relationship with their father, I’ve just stayed with him for peace of mind and ease really, having there not being another child in the situation I wouldn’t complain. Just very hard as I have worries and fears the impact of the other child may have on mine.

Currently working yes and saving also. Situation has changed as child is now back with his mother, but mother is very unstable and selfish and passes on her parenting responsibilities too. But to start yes he was staying and I was doing the school run as was on maternity leave and their dad was working. If he didn’t work the bills would not be paid.

His mother should have been taking him to school and taking responsibility in my opinion but she didn’t. It’s very hard as I had a child with their dad and I didn’t want the other child to feel pushed out given their past and the amount of abandonment they’ve gone through. She’s now took him back so I don’t have to do that now, my issue is more on the child’s behaviour now his back with mum and struggling to communicate to their dad that their behaviour “is that bad” and the impact it will have on our child too. It’s starting to get me down.

The bills for HIS house? How was he taking his child to school before you moved in? OP, I don't want to sound like a dick, but please dont be one of those women who is eager to sell themselves down the river for a man and end up with nothing, please prioritise yourself and your child going forward.

How hard would it be for you to move back out, because it sounds like it will be inevitable sooner or later?

His child was in nursery so used to drop off before work and pick up after.

id have to find somewhere to rent and would need help, dont have a lot of help from family or friends in the way of child care, and with the price of child care and only getting 16 hours free, working full time I’d have hardly anything to show and with the prices of rent and bills it would be virtually impossible. I have savings but with my wage I’d not be accepted for a mortgage.