Scared of what's coming

[Mumbling1]

Not really sure what I'm hoping with this thread, just feeling desperately scared and alone.

I know my marriage is over, we've been together nearly 15 years and not very happy for about half that time. During that time we've had a DC who has taken our priority and has additional needs so we've had quite a few challenging times but time with DC is precious and the best moments of last few years. There's various hurts that I've struggled to process and let go, through lack of support/acknowledgement/apology from DP and has turned me quite resentful towards him. Over last couple of years, I've really distanced, feel panicked at the thought of being physically intimate and he's now close to ending things. I'm unhappy staying but also very scared to leave, and I know that's not fully my decision.

I have various physical disabilities, am very overweight and generally not very confident with dating (never done it) myself which I believe would make getting into another relationship highly unlikely (currently 40) I worry about living rest of my life alone, I have no family support and I do have a handful of friends but they're very busy with their own families.

Guess just some words of encouragement of how to move forwards. I have been stuck in a frozen state for a couple years now, scared to end up in a situation that's even worse than this (no £ to do nice things with DC on occasion that are my favourite things to do and cherished memories, little flexibility in help with DC which makes work difficult, or DP wanting 50:50 which I feel would break me - me and DC very close. DP always been a good dad but hands off and struggles being engaged for long periods of time. It feels more of an inevitably now though and I just feel scared and don't know where to go next. (I am also autistic so find the lack of knowing what's to come particularly scary)

Thanks for taking the time to read

Hi Op

Yes, it can be a scary place to be when you’re anticipating something but the other shoe hasn’t dropped, so to speak.

My marriage ended when I was 45 (the OW scenario). I didn’t see that coming and was heartbroken.

But it was the best thing that could have happened as it turned out.

I am happily still single, can’t see that changing. I’m worse off financially but I get by and I’m better off emotionally. Being happier has also meant I lost weight, not consciously, just less comfort eating. My friends are still around and I have more time to enjoy their company.

If you think a breakup is coming, I think you could make it less stressful by concentrating on the practicalities now - if you know your likely living situation, income etc you won’t be scurrying round trying to organise things in a hurry. Citizens Advice would be a good place to start - they will usually book an appointment with the staff member who is most qualified to deal with separation and it’s consequences as well as financial resources for you and your DC.

Hope this is helpful. I wish you good things going forward.

I think you need to get some advice as pp said on citizens advice. There are some books as well on practical steps to take. You almost need a visual flow chart of if this happens, then that happens, or this. It will help you visualise and plan.

Thank you both, I will try and make an appointment with citizens advice.

A visual plan definitely sounds like it will be helpful too, any books in particular people would recommend?

I'm trying to ground myself in the today and now and not get too panicked about what it's in the future but want to balance that with feeling a little prepared if that's possible too.

Are you married, it's just you referred to him as a partner rather than a husband?
You could look at wikivorce and see a solicitor, but you can start the divorce online.
Plan if you'll be able to buy him out or if the house will need sold.