How do you know when the relationship is done? Especially with kids involved

[Tellmesomethingidontknowx]

i never thought I’d be writing my own thread but here we go..

As the title suggests, how do you know when the time to let go is?

I never thought I’d be in this position and never thought I’d be coming to mumsnet for answers

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years, 2 young daughters together.

the spark has well and truly gone and I just don’t know if I should leave or stay.

i am basically the bred winner in the family, he earns more than me but has so much debt that he has nothing to show for it and nothing left at the end of the month, sometimes he doesn’t even give me a penny for bills or rent as he can’t afford too although I must stress that that has only been a few times over the last 10 years, he sees money for me as a last priority (aka when he’s paid his debt, petrol to work, his own bills - phone etc) as he knows I can afford to rent and pay the bills solely so I don’t think he sees it as an issue

im So ready to buy a house and move forward but he’s made it clear if we are to buy I’ll be doing it alone as he won’t get a mortgage due to his debt and I’m the one with savings for the deposit

he’s so present with our kids, cooks dinner every night, takes them to parties etc etc but the financial issues is really impacting me and making me question this whole relationship, the way I see it is I’m doing it all alone financial I may as well be alone however he is there for the physical side of parenting as mentioned above.

another issue for me is the spark and chemistry has just disappeared on my side (maybe due to resentment). I can’t stand the thought of sleeping with him - I do it to please him really. I don’t fancy him and quite frankly when we have an argument he is disrespectful and tells me to ‘shut up’ etc in front of our kids - which our youngest daughter has copied and says to me now!

i came from a broken home so never wanted one and the girls would be heartbroken if their dad moved out but I feel like they are the only reason I am in this relationship.

so my question is - how do you know when it’s time to call it a day and leave? I can’t imagine being a single mum and raising my 2 children alone :(

Would he engage with some sort of financial counselling/a new way to organise your joint finances? Do you think he'd do what it takes to save the relationship?

If yes, I'd work on it.

If no, then it's time to go.

Has he sought proper help and of his own accord to address his debt level e.g by using Stepchange?. If he has not then this is yet another reason for you and he to part ways.

What are you getting out of this relationship now; not much if anything from what you are writing.

Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship?. What would you be advising them or a friend in this situation?. You would want better for them so insist on better for yourself; it is ok to put yourself first here. You cannot stay with him for the supposed sake of the children either; whose sake would you be staying for because it is really not theirs. They would come to learn that their parents relationship was based on a lie.

Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your happiness here and move on with your life. DO not kick the can down the road.

I note also your DD is copying what he is saying so this is yet reason amongst the many you have listed for leaving. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one. Your children and you could thrive going forward and he would still be their father.