I need your opinion as I am just so confused to what am I dealing with.
Long story short, we are in couples therapy for a year now, which (apparently) addressed a lot of past resentment, lack of trust. We were ready to finish the therapy last summer on a happy end note (I was on antidepressants at the time). I am not sure now if I really came out of depression or did it just blunt my emotions to the point I stopped being upset about stuff.
It's been few months again into feeling again pretty bad about us, once I came of it. Our biggest issue through 10 year relationship is poor communication and despite trying hard to deal with ongoing arguments, it's hard to not feel resentful and deeply hurt. He will pick arguments about anything. Few examples:
On Christmas holidays abroad I always communicated when I am going to be washing my hair as without hairdryer it was a long process until I'd be able to leave the house. I also planned on using this time to tidy the apartment we were staying in. As our toddler was getting ready for nap and being needy towards me, I suggested for husband to take him out now so I can finish getting ready. Big fallout over me rushing him out of the house.
I packed new toothbrush heads for all family. He announced he picked green one. I made comment "Need to tell daughter about it, as it was her colour" Few days later, big drama, I didn't tell her and they were using the same toothbrush head for few days. Because I said, "I need to tell her..." Maybe I said I will, maybe just threw that she needs to be told. Not my toothbrush, not my problem, I dismissed that piece of information as soon as I heard it, and I no longer supervise her brushing to spot it either.
I got defensive straight away, there is tens of similar situations, but they all have similar behaviour theme.
He tells me that I lie to him about what happened. He gives me hateful looks like I killed someone, won't let me speak to defend myself, interrupts, get angry when I walk away from an argument, or get angry when I don't reply immidiately - like I am not allowed to gather my thoughts to what is actually happening). He accuses me I just want to argue when I raise my voice from frustration (I literally didn't do anything to start this conversation in the first place).
I have a new phone, and asked him to put passwords to home maintenance apps that are registered to his e-mail address. He got angry that I can find them myself saved on my laptop. Eventually, started yelling at me that I don't give a sh*t, but wasn't able to explain himself. I struggle to understand most of the time what does he refer to. Few hours later he came to conclusion it was about me not setting the home alarm at night while he was away (one of the apps I needed the password for). My explanation was laughed at, again, storming out, yelling, calling me delusional and always looking for excuses... What I really think it was about? He has been away for work, where maids clean his sheets and fold his pants everyday, but then he comes home to messy and loud house. When on his first day back, asked me what I would like to do - I said to work on my digital content website. So I did. Then he pointed out I haven't done anything in the house that day (after doing everything for past week with zero help) because I spend 4 hours on Instagram.
He will get be flipping out when I start crying - accusing me of emotionally manipulating him with tears and making him look like he is a bad guy here.
Eventually, he will go outside to smoke, come home and apologise. Apologise with 'BUT'
I feel like walking on eggshells, I never know what is going to trigger him. Spending too much time in the supermarket? Forgetting to remind him I go to work the next day, so he has to stay home with kids?
I lost hope things can change and in order to preserve myself I stopped running back to his arms every time he 'apologises'. I feel so deeply hurt and unhappy yet he still makes me doubt myself.
What do you think?