I am really lost right now.
My Filipino wife has expressed an imminent intention to move out of our family home. I am unaware of her intended destination, which I suspect may be unknown to her as well, but potentially back to the Philippines. I am concerned about the possibility of her taking our 4-year-old daughter away from me, possibly overseas. Has anyone any experience in this situation?
Background & Context
My wife and I married in the UK 6 years ago. I am British; she currently has ILR (family route). We are/were in the process of preparing an application for her naturalisation. All family outgoings, including mortgage, food, and all bills are paid for by myself (I bought the house before I met her). We have a cherished British born 4 year old daughter together. She attends a primary school a few minutes walk from our home. We all live together.
I work full time on a decent salary. My wife, from a poor background, works part-time. I have some savings/investments, no debts aside from the mortgage, and we live relatively comfortably. My parents live very local, and are involved in our daughter's life, as does my brother who has a young son of his own.
My wife is very shy and lacks confidence in most social situations. This, combined with the fact that I am native British, leaves me to arrange and organise all appointments, activities, events, in regard to our daughter (and pretty much everything even not related to our daughter, truth be told). Every health visit, every doctor's appointment, every dentist appointment, applying to nurseries, schools etc, I have completely managed all of these affairs - which I have always been happy to do (despite encouraging her to be involved).
Over the years there have naturally been misunderstandings that we've had to deal with as a couple. In my opinion it has usually been due to a language or cultural conflict, but she never acknowledges or accepts this, or works with me to find a way through - I just have to sit it out until she stops being angry. This is always a major source of stress and anxiety for me.
On some occasions my wife has turned into a completely different person, wishing we'd never married, saying she doesn't want me; refusing to engage in a rational conversation. On such occasions she's also convinced that I am trying to send her back home to the Philippines, which is ridiculous, considering the amount of time, emotion and money I have committed to bringing her over to the UK and starting a family with her.
Typically, after two to, say, five days, she's suddenly back to normal, almost like nothing happened. In a way, I had learnt to live with these rare extreme behavioural changes (it was only really this severe once a year, on average). I love my wife, and the life we are building, and I always personally see a point in trying to talk and work things out (although she does not).
However, these past few days, it feels like we have reached an impasse. What simply started as a minor tiff (in my eyes), has triggered one of these huge meltdowns, the likes of which I have never seen before. She has completely shut down. Will not listen to my perspective, or my side of the story. Will not accept an apology or a commitment to work things out in any capacity. Her mind is set that she does not want me any more, that this is different to all previous fall-outs, and final. My wife is currently adamant she will move out, and possibly return to the Philippines, but has been (tactfully, I suspect) unclear as to whether she intends to take our daughter with her and away from me.
My biggest fear right now is returning home from work, to find both of them gone. I cannot comprehend or sufficiently describe the scale of emotional trauma I would endure, should my daughter be taken away. She is my single most priority in life. If my wife doesn't love me any more, then I can deal with that. I would never stand in her way, should she want to leave. My concern is not only that she takes our daughter without warning, say, to stay with someone I don't know, but that she returns to the Philippines with my daughter, gone forever and out of reach.
I need to protect my daughter from being dragged away from her home, school, friends, family and life she knows, by a parent, who aside from providing motherly love, has no proven capacity to practically tend to her needs (and no accommodation, knowledge or finance to adequately cover those needs). It's worth noting that my wife does not have a Western mindset, and would not consider the importance of keeping our daughter in school, etc, under these circumstances.
In absolute truth, my wife can be a bit of a walking nightmare (but in a charming way). Left to her own devices, she tends to mess things up. This is one of the reasons she leaves me to deal with things. I organise all her various visas, even when she was in the Philippines; English tests, passport renewals, driving license, cervical screenings, etc, because she just doesn't deal with paperwork and talking to people. All decisions over our daughter - where to take her on a weekend, whether she should be inoculated, whether she should see a doctor, all these types of things, she just defers to me. I'm not saying my wife has no interest in our daughter, she loves her dearly, but she's never demonstrated the wherewithal or inclination to care for her in a practical capacity, other than providing motherly love.
A big hurdle I have with my wife is that she simply will not talk or negotiate. She is not interested in working out a problem. If she decides 2+2 = 15, there is absolutely no way of changing her mind. Logic does not work. Facts do not work. She will not consult another party, or find out for herself. Her mind is already set. I have considered talking to her about seeing a medical professional about her severe mood swings, on the basis they are self-destructive, but she simply does not acknowledge they exist. This means counselling or therapy is out of the question. I strongly doubt she would even engage with a solicitor to go through a divorce, which is ultimately why I am afraid that she would/could just leave of her own accord one day, without going through any legal process or due course.
Thank you so much for reading!
M