How would you feel about this?

[Pinkchampagne]

I have been seeing a lovely man for nearly 9 months now. He separated from his wife 2 years ago, but has not yet sorted the divorce. They have no children together, and he wanted to keep things as amicable as possible & is looking into doing the divorce himself over the internet.

He was the one who instigated the spilt, and she moved out as soon as they agreed to separate, and now lives quite a distance away. However, she still has a key to the house, and sometimes drops round to pick up her mail. I wasn't too worried about this, but thought it was a little strange. He assures me there are no feelings there on his part at all.

Yesterday would have been their wedding anniversary, and I spent a lovely day in France with him. On the way back, he received a text from her, saying "I am feeling a bit sentimental. Would you like to meet up for lunch sometime? I understand if you don't"
He text right back with "I don't think it would be appropriate as I am with PC now. I am sure you understand.
She then text back "ok I understand", & it was left, but I was left feeling really unsettled by it. She clearly still has lots of feelings for him, and it sounds like she hasn't really moved on.

He tells me there is no threat there at all, and was concerned that it may have upset me, so I should feel reassured, but I still feel a little uneasy.

it isn't aout how she feels though (from your side), it is about how he feels - which seems pretty clear!

eg. I am on the other side (though much longer relationship and we do have kids and as far as I know there isn't anyone else yet), and I still love H, that is irrelevant - he doesn't love me - which basically means "end of".

He sounds really nice and honest to me. But I've not had much experience with stuff like that.

Why has it taken 2 years to get a divorce if they have no children and are living seperately now?

Why is her mail still, after 2 years, going to his house?

It seems like she hasn't changed that, as it's an excuse to be in his home and life from time to time.

If he is so worried about it upsetting you, then tell him yes, it is unsettling rather than upsetting you, and ask how he would feel about getting his key back and asking her to redirect her mail.

If that's not a problem for him and he follows it through, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Oh, besides them still being married.

He is really nice & honest - he is one of the nicest men I have ever met.
I guess I almost feel a bit threatened by this, although I really have no concrete reason to.

Of course you are going to feel a bit uneasy about this, but I wouldn't worry that she had lots of feelings for him still or that she hadn't moved on, just that she got a bit sentimental. After all, they here married so at some point where pretty close, it's normal I think to still get sentimental around anniversaries, two years isn't that long really.

By his response to her text and her response back to that I would say you have nothing to worry about, I do think you should feel reassured.

I do think you can have sentimental feelings for something you once had without actually having feelings for the person you once shared those sentimental times with, if that helps. She's grieving something that she's lost, that's all.

don't you need to wait 2 years though - unkess you are doing adultery or unreasonable behaviour?

Agree on why she still has mail going there, and still has a key? But these could very well be down to HER not wanting to move on - which HE can't do much about really (ask her for key, can't make her change mail address - could return mail as "not at this address").

I was separated from ex-h for 2 years before we got divorced as our application on the grounds of adultery failed as we didn't fill the forms in properly . There were definitely bo feelings between us by that point, I was with dp and his now dw was pregnant and really all that we wanted was for each other to be happy with the right person.

You are all making lots of sense, and I know I have no real reason to feel threatened by this, but it did knock me a little.

He is going for the 2 year separation, as their marriage ended because they were finding it hard to get on, rather than anything more serious, and he wants to keep it as amicable as possible.

I have spoken to him about the key & mail situation. He says he will try to sort the mail out, and didn't worry too much about the key because of the distance away that she lives. He also doesn't want to rock the boat too much before the divorce.

It is entirely possible to have an amicable breakdown of a relationship. He has been honest with you, and is acting respectfully toward you. I can't infer any mad-lovesick-ex behaviour on her part from your post. I don't think it sounds like anything odd is going on.

The only thing that makes me is her still having mail delivered to his house. It rings financial alarms bells for me. If she has loans taken out on the property he could be in trouble. And I think she should give the key back too, tbh. No need to have it, what if she (entirely innocently) wanders in when you and he are having a night in?

As to her text, maybe she just felt a bit sad that her marriage hadn't worked out, and was having a mawkish turn. It's not necessarily a case of unrequited love.

Whats your problem ,couldnt you have gone for lunch as well. She might have been really nice . LOL ps he sounds like a really nice guy .

Agreee with Trolley
They seem to be amicable -thats a good thing - I think that shows that he does have a good heart, and that he is mature, and respectful.

Score for pinkchampagne!!

I split up with my ex fiance...crumbs...probably 15 years ago now. I still feel "connected" on our anniversary. I absolutely don't love him, or have any feeling for him, but in the grand scheme of things, he remains an important person in my life. Sometimes its nice to just check in with someone who will always be important to you.

He is very mature and respectful. He is a lovely bloke, and I think it is good that they have separated on amicable terms. I am on amicable terms with my ex too, as I don't want any nastiness.

I will speak to him again about the mail/key thing. She doen't come over often, so I don't think he saw it as a big issue, and I think it is only some of he mail that is still coming to him. I think she has re directed the more important stuff. It is really time to give the house key back though.

Spoke to him tonight about the mail thing, and he said it is mostly rubbish, which he has started throwing away now. He said he has her address, and will send stuff on if it looks more important. He also says he will get the key back soon.

I saw him tonight, and he has text her & told her he would bin anything that doesn't look important, and send on anything that does. I do feel reassured now.

PC, the good thing about your new man is that he is being completely honest with you. He could have easily not told you about text etc. He told you - that speaks volumes!

He showed me the text, MMM. I have no trust issues with him at all, just felt a bit uncomfortable about the text from his ex wife. Feel much better now though.

PC, thats what I mean - he actually showed you the text - he is a good man!

Hijack!! Do you think your parents would mind if I asked if the fence company deliver before 3:30 on Friday I could ask them to drop them off at your parents - have been told that the delivery men will not carry panels around the back, just thought that your parents driveway was a bit more secluded than mine. DH and I would come over just after 4 and carry them over to ours!

Sorry hijack over!

I know he is a good man!

I am sure my parents wouldn't mind holding onto your fence panels at all. I will ask mum in the morning when she drops boys back.

Oh bless you! We will be over as soon as we can - am in shock that they can deliver on FRIDAY, typical as I ONLY WORK ALL DAY ON A FRIDAY!

Apparantly Browns only deliver on Fridays! So could you also thank your Dad for recommending them! - free delivery!!!