Need a handhold... Leaving husband, young kids

[Getkettleon]

Posting because I've nobody else I can tell IRL just yet. Or not ready to. I've been with DH for well over 10 years, we have 2 younger end primary aged DC.
We've had our ups and downs over the years, and relationship counselling a couple of years ago that was successful at the time.
But things do just slip into old ways and I've realised how desperately unhappy I am. DH is constantly moody, to the point I am anxious when he comes home as I don't know what mood he'll be in. I dread spending family time together and breathe a sigh of relief when he's away again for work. I can't relax when I'm at home because of his mood or his inability to see past house chores that need doing. If there's even a tiny bit of mess he's huffing if it's not tidied up immediately. I can't sit down after work without feeling on edge if he's home because I should be looking busy.
He's the same with the children and if they make a mess while they're playing he'll bark at them to tidy up (even if it's still 10am and more mess will inevitably ensure). He's very short tempered with them, tells them off constantly and I can't stand watching it. I can see they are unhappy too. They always want me, and at first I thought it's just a phase but genuinely, I can see why. He's just awful to them.

I can't go on like this and I have come to the realisation I just don't want to be around him. I need to leave. I just don't know how to bring myself to do it??

We have a mortgage, we'd likely need to sell the house. We have a joint account for bills and food / kids stuff (but separate personal accounts). He works away a lot so I've no idea how we'd sort out custody arrangements. Neither of us would really have anywhere to stay so we'd have to live together until the house sells.
I've no idea how I'd afford a mortgage on my own. I have a good job but I'm part time and there's no local FT jobs in my role.

I just don't even know where to start.

I've told noone how I feel.
I'm meeting a friend later I don't know if I'll tell her.
Once I tell people it means I have to follow through and leave.
I've thought about offering counselling and if that doesn't work out agree to go out separate ways. Should I give it another shot? I'm doubting myself already. There are genuinely times where he's just the best, he's lovely, he's got my back, he pulls his weight in every part of our family life - practically. Just not our relationship and his moods.

I think I've decided but I'm not quite ready to do it.

If you've got this far thanks for reading, I'm not sure what I'm after other than a handhold, friendly advice from others who've been in the same situation, and any solidarity.

Sounds as if you're done. I think that the best advice might be to take it a day at a time because if you think about the big picture and what may or may not happen you'll feel overwhelmed.

I was your children. Leave. Happy mum happy kids. And keep it amicable if you can, I was much older when they divorced but my dad was very difficult when I was growing up. Basically he’s acting like a child who can’t control their emotions. Bide your time if you need, get a plan together and do not have sex!

I was in your position about 10 years ago… luckily (in a weird way) he forced my hand by having an affair so that made it easier to make the decision, but I was unhappy way before that.

From my experience and friends’, I think it’s much easier to do when the DC are little- they adapt quickly and don’t ask too many awkward questions.

Working out the finances can feel overwhelming, I would go to a solicitor, you can book a free 30 minute consultation where they will give you the basics. Citizens Advice Bureau can also be helpful.

Good luck 💐

The thread title indicates you are leaving your children as well.

What happened once you left? Did he get any better, at least, with the children on his own time with them? I do feel like I'm constantly managing both his and the kids emotions, like a 3rd child. I just can't do it anymore. I'm the only one that offers positivity and calm. Ever. It's exhausting.

Sorry I've mixed myself up there and realised you said you were the children. Did your parents separate? Was your dad any better after?

I kind of wish it was taken out of my hands too tbh. It feels so hard to take this step. Even though really, what he's doing is no better than an affair - in fact it's worse as it feels like there's not even a reason.

Speak to a lawyer to can advices you on how it all works. Read as much free online info as you can. Think carefully about when you tell him- don't assume you know how nasty he might get.

Do you know why he is moody? Is he stressed at work?

I left my first H. We had been together 20 years, and had primary aged kids. It actually took me 4 years to get up the momentum to leave. Different reasons to you - mine was cheating, and a lot of sleazy behaviour, which he just wouldn't stop.

I think just tackle one thing at a time. Work out the finances first. Remember, you are entitled to half of his pension (game changer for me). See a solicitor and get them to draw up a separation agreement which covers all the financials. He has to also get a solicitor and you can hopefully both sign the agreement without much fuss. Then put house up for sale and start looking for your own place. Once you start the ball rolling everything else will fall in to place.

It's not easy, but it's doable. Millions of people have done it.

I am now married to someone else. This was all 16/17 years ago. I have no regrets.

Good luck!

Take it slow OP, speak to a solicitor for the free half an hour they give and try and look at it practically. You will realistically have to find full time work so start keeping an eye out, can either of you rent so you don’t have to live together until the sale? Have a look at what maintenance you might get from him. It’s so difficult but I think planning it properly will help in the long run

He has always been quite moody to be honest. He does get stressed and this does affect his mood, but genuinely his work is going well. He doesn't have anything else to stress about. Genuinely. But it was not like this when we got together - he was mostly fine and obviously I enjoyed spending time with him. It's got worse over the years, more so when we've had children, and this past few months it's got to the point I can't even talk to him about it any more - he just grey rocks me in a way. Listens, looks at the floor with no emotion, and says next to nothing. It's like he's given up too and is just waiting for me to end it.

You don't sound ready to leave yet. The fear of staying has to outweigh the fear of leaving. Have you considered individual counselling? It would give you a space to discuss how you feel and explore why you are staying. It will help you process your thoughts.

ive got a good relationship with my dad now and they are on good terms. He had a private face and public face so my mum told him she would let everyone know what he is like behind closed doors if he mae things difficult. I was 20 when they split it sooner would have been better for her but she was financially trapped. He’s run you into the ground by the sounds of it. You also need to think of the modelling you set for your little ones. Him being emotionally abusive will set the tone for the rest of their lives potentially. You don’t want that for them or you believe me.

I would recommend telling your friend how unhappy you are- just because you tell her how you are feeling, does not mean you have to do anything.

I understand this reluctance, I spent 8 years stuck in my marriage, desperately unhappy and seething with silent resentment while walking on eggshells. Luckily my DC were adult and had left home.

Then concentrate on baby steps to discover you financial/custody/living situation. Wikivorce is a good website.

Reach out to outside organisations for help, if you feel you can’t raise his behaviour issues with your Dh without him becoming even more angry. This with knobs on if you are scared of him.

If not it may be worth trying the counselling with him again. Sometimes marriage counselling is about helping people to end their relationship in the best way for children.

Can you get/afford counselling solo?

I divorced in the end, it was ugly and difficult for all the same reasons as the marriage became ugly and difficult.

My only regret - I didn’t end it sooner.

So - tell others and get a support network (I didn’t), find out what facts about divorce you can (solicitor/friends/online etc). Start making baby steps - it won’t make you committed to doing anything until you are ready.

I found that once I started talking honestly with friends there were a surprising number in the same situation.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

His moodiness is an example of emotional abuse.

Pregnancy and or birth are also flashpoints for abusers like this to show their true colours.
Your relationship to him is over because of his abusive treatment of you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue and joint counselling is not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy so do talk to one of your friends or a trusted family member. Tslking to Womens Aid and a firm of solicitors would also be useful courses of action.

Yes I have. I was actually looking at relationship counsellors last night and considering individual for just me. Maybe it would help to solidify my thoughts and gain more clarity. Finalise my decision.

Thank you. I am going to tell my friend. I've just had a huge cry on my way to meet her, and I've messaged her to forewarn her I'm emotional.