Not sure how I'm feeling

[Quiinkong]

DP and i had a fight (please check here for why www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5247405-have-i-overreacted?page=7&reply=141336135) and instead of it getting better, it just got worse with me ending up saying "we should do separate shopping from now on and not to touch my cooking".

Last year when we had a fight, there was a remark he made about me calling the police on him, which i had never done or indicated I'd even do. I told him unless he was raining down punches on me, I'd never do that because any issue can be sorted between us (DP is in the country on a sponsorship visa and he fears being arrested for anything). During our reason for fighting, he kept saying "i know what you're trying to do" which i never understood or commented on.

Then last week saturday, he repeated it again and then followed up with "you're just looking for a reason to call the cops". This really hurt me a lot because this was showing a lack of trust for me and questioning my personality. So, i told him we should no longer live together if all he's doing is live in fear of me calling the cops on him. More arguments ensued. He later accused me of not being submissive when we're having arguments, how before he has even landed with 1 statement, I'd have said 10 things. How he sees this as rebellion towards him.

He has tried to call me argumentative in the past but I pointed out to him that whenever we're having an argument, I'm the one that usually says "let's leave it then, let's agree to disagree" but he won't drop it and just carry on but somehow, I'm the argumentative one. Now, I'm feeling like he doesn't even mean I'm argumentative but that i should just shut up from the beginning, not say a word submissively and let him have his way. I said i didn't realise we were in a master/slave relationship instead and he came back with "since you wanna be the man, then be the man". I said when have i acted like the man? I asked him if he had issues with me in any other aspect of life and he didn't, which meant his entire issue of submissiveness is about when we're arguing. That really pissed me off, so i just left him to it and we've just been co-existing.

This morning, I've gone to him in the living room and asked if he's not tired of us fighting like this and his response was he doesn't think we're fighting. I said you're ok with how things are between us? He said we're at peace and that's ok with him. I felt really defeated and just left it. I'm not sure what i want to do going forward because although it's not been verbalised, i think we've broken up and he is looking to move by end of march, this is my place and we have a DS who is almost 6mths old.

Life is too short for this kind of shit. Why waste time on him?

Look, I haven't read your other thread (no time, family medical crisis) but for goodness sake, is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

This relationship is a LONG way beyond saving. You have to end it for your own sanity.

He later accused me of not being submissive when we're having arguments, how before he has even landed with 1 statement, I'd have said 10 things. How he sees this as rebellion towards him.

This is not normal OP. Well, maybe under the Taliban or Isis but not when living in UK or Europe etc. You are wanting and needing a supportive, loving and equal partner. He wants a mute servant.

Kick him out and start loving yourself more. You are worth it, as are your children.

Problem is, i do let him be the man but I'm not going to sit like a mute with no opinion or feelings. It's just left me feeling drained

I get the feeling that you're seeing the thin end of the wedge. Is he from a patriarchal culture?

What does acting like a man mean? Are you down the pub watching football while he sees to the baby?I would run a mile from a man with fixed ideas on gender stereotypes.

There's a fundamental problem with your relationship and that is your inability to communicate and reach a compromise. He can't stop arguing until you back down and concede defeat.

He's fixated on the fact that i told him to leave and to stop eating what i cook while conveniently ignoring the fact that i told him we need to live apart only because he kept bringing up me calling the police on him, making me feel like i wasn't trusted. Last thing i wanted was a broken home but that's exactly how 2025 is starting for us.

He is nigerian and so am i. Only difference is i was born and raised here and he over there. He even made a statement about my "insubordination" this morning...can you believe that? Again, told him, he isn't my master and I'm not his slave or his underling, wtf is an insubordination! I just don't know how to feel. If we didn't have a kid together, I'd just chuck this up to another failed relationship and maybe i should, and stop fearing being a single mum. Apart from this fight though, he has always been supportive when i needed him and thought there was real love between us but his choice of words "rebellion, insubordination" has me wondering what exactly he thinks the role of a woman is in a relationship. I asked him if he wanted to sort out our problems so that we can move forward and apparently, he has no problem but doesn't even want to do more than exist in the same space as me. When i asked if he would rather break up then, he says if i wanna break up, i should just say. We can't move forward as a couple and he isn't saying let's break up. So, what exactly are we doing? So heartbroken

One thing I've learned is that culture makes a big difference and sometimes things can't be bridged. You've grown up in two completely different cultures, with very different expectations on how men and women behave.

From my experience of Nigerian culture, sons are highly prized and men are the head of the household. He would expect to 'wear the trousers' ie his word is final.

I'm also wondering if his paranoia over the police is because he's terrified of losing an opportunity for Leave to Remain.

I had a relationship with someone from a very different culture and assumed he believed in the equality of the sexes; I was wrong. He would give me little speeches about how I should treat him like a father and sniggered when a friend of mine had a girl.

I'm sorry OP, I know it's heartbreaking and I know you've just had a baby, but I don't see this getting any better. In fact I see it as getting much worse.

My God life is far too short to be wasting time this miserable.

The relationship is clearly toxic and un healthy so WHY are you still wasting precious time being with this man?

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

what are you getting out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. This is clearly not the role model to be showing him?. You and this man need to be apart like yesterday frankly.

He never once acted or spoke to me like this before, this is a huge shock to me. A part of me feels like breaking up is what he wants but he wants me to be the one to voice it out.

I could be completely wrong but my suspicion is that he's after citizenship. That so far you haven't seen the true him. If that's the case, he won't want to split up.

Another explanation is mental health problems. The paranoia and change in personality could be symptoms of something serious going on.

A third explanation is that he's abusive. Abuse often comes out around pregnancy.

Get rid of him! He won't change and I bet it will get a whole lot worse if he gets a permanent visa.

It's not about 'being the man' as though only men can make decisions or have any power. It's about him wanting a submissive woman. This is fundamentally wrong, sexist, misogynistic. It's the root of much of what is wrong with our society. Don't let that horrible thinking rule your home get rid of him and set a better example for your child

He even made a statement about my "insubordination" this morning...can you believe that?

Look, if you stay with him, all this relationship is going to give you is more of this.

More WTF moments; more, "Can you believe that?" moments.

You say he's never spoken to you like this before andaybe he hasn't. Maybe he's never said anything before oraybe the things he's said previously have only given you cause to raise your eyebrows at him.

But this is only going to get worse.

You are making the mistake of focussing on him and why he is being like this.

You are trying to work out why a crocodile is a crocodile, when the 'reason' is it just is. He is who he is. He cannot change and he doesn't want to. He will only get worse.

He is revealing what he is with everything he says. He would call the Police on you to keep you in line if the situation were reversed, so it is at the front of his thoughts. He also says this so you will say 'I'd never do that', and you will keep saying it and convince yourself.

Instead of focussing on him, think about what you want for you and for your child. Is this the life you want to lead for the next 50 years or whatever? Is this how you want to bring up your child? do you want them to think this is how a loving relationship is? that men can behave like this and women must accept it (because unless you end this, you ARE accepting it)?

You need to leave this man. I promise. He's very abusive to you.

He doesn't even need me to apply for leave to remain since we now have a child together, he's planning on applying for parental visa.

I guess I'm now more scared of nevr giving my son siblings, I'm 38 and losing someone i sincerely thought was different

I know, it's tough. It looks like his true colours are coming out now he's guaranteed his visa. I'm sorry OP but you can't stay with someone who tells you you're insubordinate.

Can you imagine how much worse this is going to get?

Where are you work and house wise? My advise is to start planning how you're going to get out of this.

Gingerbread have a great helpline and can advise on most things regarding being a single parent.

To be on the safe side, I'd contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get advice on leaving safely. They can also give advise on housing and benefits etc You can find them on your local council website or by searching for 'domestic abuse help'+ your area.