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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is she still in his head?

7 replies

KatieX89 · 19/01/2025 08:59

So a couple of years ago, Me and My husband were in bit of a bad place. After years of not drinking, he decided he wanted to start doing so with different couples etc at the weekends ( If we could get a baby sitter ).This went on for about a year, on and off. It only caused trouble as we argued a lot, and he was drinking way too much, and in my opinion, getting a bit close to some of my female friends.

There was 1 in particular who I knew he had a bit of a crush on, but I monitored his behavior and there was no problems. Towards the end though he started to make comments about her. It started off with complimenting what she was wearing, or saying her hair looked nice etc. At the end he was basically telling me how attractive he thought she was. That was when I reeled it all in. We stopped going out and drinking etc and started to work on eachother instead.

We are actually really good now and he’s apologized for how he acted, to cause arguments or the complimenting ‘said’ woman. He hasn’t seen her in person for atleast a couple of years now.

The other day he came back from the gym, and was telling me how his friend knew ‘said’ woman, and was saying how attractive he thought she was too, and how he would love to get with her etc.

Apart from telling me ( which is absolutely bizarre ), why is he still thinking and talking about this woman to other people? Is he obsessed? I forgot she even existed until he mentioned her, and was hoping he’d grown up and got over his stupid crush.

We stopped hanging out with her because drinking was all she ever wanted to do socially. So didn’t fall out as such, just stopped meeting up.

OP posts:
Alphabetalphabet · 19/01/2025 09:23

Well I think it was quite telling that you say it was you who " reeled " things in. That it was down to you that the drinking and socialising stopped. That it wasn't him realising his behaviour was inappropriate .
The fact that he was inappropriate not only with this particular woman but was also too close to your other friends is revealing of the type of man he is.
The fact he discusses other women's attractiveness with his pals is also very disrespectful for a man supposedly in a committed relationship.
I would think the problem isn't so much this one particular woman it's more the fact he obviously has a roving eye as regards other women in general.

Dror · 19/01/2025 09:25

Monitoring a man's behaviour choices and reeling him in all sounds pretty depressing.
Does this lech improve your life?

dairyfairy21 · 19/01/2025 09:33

I would say don't get mad, get even 🤣

AgentJohnson · 19/01/2025 09:34

Monitoring a man's behaviour choices and reeling him in all sounds pretty depressing.

This!!!! Your H didn’t become self aware, he kept his feelings on the DL so now there’s someone else he can share his feelings freely about said woman, he does.

Rachmorr57 · 19/01/2025 09:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shadesofscarlett · 19/01/2025 09:43

why do this to yourself? honestly - get rid. the minute you have to monitor or reel in someone else's behaviour is the time to walk away.

StrawberryDream24 · 19/01/2025 09:50

...getting a bit close to some of my female friends.

A couple of years ago I got chatting a lot with an attached tradie who did some work ... He turned the convo flirty and then sexual. He eventually indicated clearly he wanted to have sexual contact.

He also talked a lot about other women he saw around, women in he and his partner's circle etc. The last time he messaged me he bizarrely sent me a pic of his partner with her friend; who he was talking about fancying.

If it talks like a cheater and walks like a cheater ....
You can't presume that they wouldn't go there if they thought they had enough encouragement. He certainly would have.

No decent faithful man sees your friends as his flirting (at best), hunting (at worst) ground..

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