Treading on Eggshells

[Leomii81]

Has anyone gone through feeling's of treading on eggshells?

Accidently Crushing the bread in the bottom of the food shop bag, spilling bit of paint, breaking a dial on wash machine etc silly little thing's that can really trigger him.

Both in early 40s. Been with him 15 year's 1 adult dd.
He seems to be depressed and bad tempered a lot of the time, and I'm finding I'm having to adjust my actions to keep the peace as to not upset him or cause an atmosphere in any way.

He isn't physically abusive..but he can give the silent treatment, sulk and be very critical of thing's I do or a lot of the time or don't do.
It's getting me very down I love him and we had therapy together and this really helped. Thing's improved for a long time.

Unfortunately we are now going through a tough time at present due to close family bereavements and illnesses for both of us, resulting in him being depressed critical and bad tempered

again. There is no laughs or fun anymore and hardly any physical affection.

I'm unhappy and sad with his behaviour but just not sure how to address it as I hate confrontation of any sort. I really want us to stay together but not like this.Any advice please.x

What you’re experiencing is domestic abuse and coercive control. He has programmed you to live and behave as he wants or else you will get short shrift. So you are now policing your actions so as not to anger him and be punished. It’s insidious and incredibly damaging for the victim. I would urge you to read this book, it’s a free link and it will give you a better understanding of what’s happening here. From your post I think you know it’s abusive and you’re looking for confirmation/validation. Well, it is abuse. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or if he’s sometimes nice to you or if you have children or you broke something, etc. It’s abuse and you don’t deserve it, you haven’t caused it and you can’t change it/him. Abusive men chose to be abusive because it benefits them. They get something from it. Control of the victim, they never get challenged despite poor behaviour, they often control the money and life decisions, etc. It’s hard to hear that but your husband is choosing to be abusive. Bereavement/stress/life struggles, etc are no excuse for being abusive. I think you should read the book and think about doing some counselling to work on yourself. Why do you hate confrontation? How can you become more assertive? How can you accept that you’re being abused by your husband and move forward? Please don’t go to any more therapy with your husband. It’s not recommended for victims of abuse to attend therapy with their abuser.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I agree with the previous poster.

You say therapy really helped the two of you previously. Is this something you could do again?
Although, therapy isn't recommended if one of the couple is abusive.

Thanku will look at the lundy book.
The therapy helped us to communicate better instead of blaming and becoming defensive X

Therapy just teaches abusers how to manipulate you better in the long term and arms them with more information that they can use to make you more vulnerable and easier to control. I think going back to therapy for yourself to work through the abuse you’ve suffered through, learn how to set healthy boundaries, be more assertive and build your self esteem would be of great benefit though. I’m glad to hear you will read the book. It’s very enlightening and can often explain a lot. Well done for coming on here and seeking advice and support. You can also contact women’s aid and speak to them about what’s been happening and get support from them too. You can contact them by phone, email or even drop in to one of their offices to speak to someone about what you’re going through. They will listen and understand. Women’s aid isn’t just about helping women leave their abusive partners, it’s also about supporting women emotionally, providing practical advice and signposting to other services that might be useful to you like solicitors and counselling.

Been there, done that, it doesn't get better in the long run, they always revert. It's no way to live. Your best course of action is to leave. Seek help, make a plan and go.

Yes, been there.

I left 18 months ago, as it wasn’t going to get better. It did take me a bloody long time!!

You sound like I was, always hoping for things to get better, wanting things to work. But my ex wasn’t, and was making no effort. Young children being involved made it worse.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

He said he didn’t really think there was a problem with his behaviour, put all the blame on me when I said I wanted out. I still don’t think he accepts he did anything wrong.

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but my only advice is to leave.

Thanks for your replies it is draining.
I left the lettuce too wet in the salad he moaned, felt like saying f. Off do it yourself.
He's good in so many ways, supportive , does his fair share with housework. Loyal. Wouldn't cheat. Just nit picking a lot. Think he's unhappy. Really want it to work out x

Might be an idea if you find it difficult to state your feelings. Give him a letter card expressing your feelings and may come down to earth with a bump!

Good luck

I'm in a similar situation with my stbexh. He is moody and gets angry with me and ds about the stupidest of things. I'm divorcing him and have been having counselling which has been a God send. I've found it gives me clarity and perspective on things. There's lots of other issues in our marriage but this was just one of them.
I guess the difference is I don't love my husband and you do and you want to work on the marriage.
I suppose the first thing would be to speak to him and see what his take on things are?

“I left the lettuce too wet in the salad he moaned.”

Life is WAAAAAY too short to put up with this shit. He’s berating you over lettuce. Have a think about that. Get mad and dump this abusive arsehole.

What does your daughter think?

You have upwards of 40 years left on this planet. Do you want to spend all those years 'walking on eggshells'. How do you imagine it will pan out? What about when he retires and is at home all the time? What happens if one of you becomes ill or disabled? Are you going to end up like one of those nervous older women who have to tiptoe around their miserable husbands.

I'd seriously consider leaving him. I know it's an extremely difficult thing to do but why would you want to stay with him.