Anyone been used for a visa?

[Olalblue]

Hi all,

Married my XH at 22 while working abroad. I loved him dearly and I spent thousands of pounds and months preparing for his spouse visa.

As soon as he moved over here and found a job, he started treating me awfully. He would disappear at the weekends after work while I was left to look after our baby.

We ended up divorcing and shortly after we separated, he informed me he his parents were looking to arrange him a marriage back home (he’s from an Arab country). I also found out via a mutual friend that his girlfriends before me were all middle aged woman who were UK/USA citizens (he would have been early twenties at the time and he’s very handsome).

We co parent amicably now but he often mentions that once he has his UK passport (he switched to a work visa after we separated) that he could get a very well paid job back home.

I can’t help but feel utterly used and humiliated. Looking back it’s so obvious what his intentions were. I really loved him dearly and thought we would grow old together. I’m 27 now but feel like my judgement of men must be so shit that I want to stay single from now on.

Has anyone else been through similar? Any experiences or input appreciated!

Sorry this has happened OP. Don’t blame yourself though. We’ve all been there having fallen for someone who was a cad one way or another. Not been used for an immigration route but have had heartbroken or been let down in other ways. Concentrate on your wee one. One day you might even think you had a lucky escape. Remember too bad things often happen to good people and so all in 💯 his loss.

@RedRock41 Thanks for your reply ☺️ You’re right it’s a blessing in disguise. I just feel so bloody stupid. He now has a really good job and goes on holidays numerous times a year. Meanwhile I’m looking after our son the majority of the time and struggle financially. I spent a good chunk of my savings on our rent and his spouse visa while we were together.
I just wish I could stop feeling so resentful. 😓

Not me but an ex relative took money in exchange for marriage twice. She wasn't caught but did see the error of her ways

I've been there with spending all my time and money on immigration paperwork. In my case it was to help my ex with an asylum application. I don't blame him for being exploitative as he's been through so much trauma.

It's incredibly stressful and I can't help feeling it doesn't lead to the healthiest of relationships because of the power balance involved. He was emotionally and financially abusive but he was literally reliant on me and I felt so responsible for him. I am still paying off the horrendous amount of debt he got me into. Tragically, he passed away after we had split up so it's just me our son now. I honestly thought I'd be trapped in that relationship forever and it's taken years to start feeling like I can imagine a future for us.
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He was incredibly attractive and charming too. I can remember writing in my diary when we met that I'd met the most beautiful man in the world!

I do think men like that can sense when someone is empathetic and has poor boundaries and take advantage of it.

Oh, and regarding dating. I think I threw myself into it straight away with the belief that I "deserved" a happy ending and also because I wanted a happy family for my son.
It's taken five years of awful relationship decisions, but I've now decided to focus on myself and my son and forget about a relationship for now. The mental clarity and calm is amazing. I've got lovely friends and me and my son are the only happy family I need.

That’s completely understandable. You gave it your all in every way by sound of it. Not right or fair how it’s worked out. If he’s planning remarrying and leaving the UK chances are you might not see him as much in the years ahead so focus on building the best life you can. Sod him. He’s no catch after way he’s behaved. You have a good heart and good head no reason you cannot step by step work your way up to a wonderful well paying career. Look at your options. Retraining, studying, volunteering. Been a single parent myself with zero help (bare foot pregnant and homeless at one stage - literally but now at top of the ladder) so know rightly how tough it is but here’s hoping in the years to come through your own blood, sweat and tears (not too many) you can look back and know you did it all yourself. When your son is older depending on how you shape your lives bet it’ll be you not your ex who is his hero and having him will make it all worth it. Maybe one day when you are the one on exotic holidays he’ll have a non working Wife and a dozen kids to drain his income and curb his freedom. Best revenge for now be to dust yourself down when you feel ready (as need time to heal and feel what you feel) begin to work towards your own future. There’s a lot to be said for being able to close your front door. Have no drama and a lovely son to look after. He might be materially richer at the minute but you’re rich in all the ways that really matter including morally as I’m sure you’d never of done that to someone.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. You have my sympathy, my friends often used to joke that my type was ‘visa problems’ but it’s less funny now that I am lone parenting as my daughter’s father lives abroad due to visa and work issues in UK.

I can understand why you might feel humiliated, but you really shouldn’t, you were genuinely in love and there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with someone from another country, sadly too many people exploit sympathy and open mindedness though, as pp have said. I think UK visa system has a lot to answer for as well x

He’s very lucky he was able to change to a work visa.
Many people who come on a spousal visa would not be able to do that and then when they get to the renewal date, if they’re not with their partner anymore they’d have to leave. So you are in an unusual situation and I don’t blame you for not seeing it.
Is he paying child support?

Thank you all for your replies!

When I first met him, I was not long out of a long term relationship where I was cheated on and also had abandonment issues from childhood. I thought I’d hit the jackpot when I met him as he seemed so wonderful. He probably smelt the desperation and loneliness from me!

Regarding child maintenance, he does pay but a substantial amount less than what CMS would order. I would be too worried to go through CMS as he’s from a country which isn’t a member of the Hague Convention. He could easily take ds back to his home country and not return him.

That’s another reason why dating (not that I want to) would be off the cards. I know he would create a fuss and it isn’t worth losing my son over.

I’m happy to stay single but it seems bleak that he can indirectly dictate my life until ds is 18 (I’ll be 42 by then) while he can live his life as he pleases.

I know I need to let go of the resentment and bitterness. 😞

Do you have your child’s passport?

He sounds like a criminal. The man tricked you into marriage to get a visa?

Do you have family support? Given he's a devious con man, what is the risk that he would snatch your boy?

Personally I would report him to the Home Office.

If he still sees his son he would be able to get leave to remain based on that relationship even though the marriage has broken down.

Really? I can imagine it being a much trickier process. Considering they often tell British people they can’t bring their spouse in and they could stay living abroad etc it would surprise me!

It's because of the rights of the child to be able to see their father. Choosing to deport someone is different from not allowing them in.