Confused about my relationship with my mother

[Ginghamsheep]

I am looking for thoughts please regarding my relationship with my mother.

I have always thought my parents were 'good', but as I have got older (I am late 30s now) I have come to realise that I am not actually sure I really love my mother. But I feel guilty about it.

She has always been quite critical of me. When I was younger she would say nasty things about my looks. I remember when I was a teenager she remarked that 'I was no oil painting'. Also regarding a school photo not looking very good, she said 'well you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear'. I remember leaving the room and sobbing to myself.

She likes to take 'credit' for any talents or positive traits I have. They aren't naturally mine - they are because she nurtured them.

I could write a lot more really, but I just don't feel a huge amount of 'maternal' kind of love from her. I don't think she has ever hugged me or told me she loves me. I have occasionally gently said that I feel she doesn't love me to which she replies that she does, and I have a complex.

She is also quite good at saying things which plant the idea in my head that I am lazy or uncaring.

I feel quite sad and confused. I am an only child so I have nobody else to 'compare notes with'.

I worry about the future. As she gets older and needs more personal kind of care, I am not sure we have the sort of relationship in which I would feel comfortable providing it.

But to the outside world she has been a good parent. She hasn't abused or neglected me, I know.

I think I am just jealous of daughters who can be more open with their mothers. I for example, wouldn't go to her with a problem. I have tried in the past, but she is quite good at making it about herself instead.

I don't know what I am looking for really, just thoughts I suppose. There is nothing I can do to change things now. I often feel quite lonely, especially of female family support in my life. I have no siblings, aunties or close cousins.

@Ginghamsheep this sounds so hard. Your mum sounds quite narcissistic which can be exhausting to be around, let alone grow up with.
I didnt take your post as a request for advice, not that I would have much anyway, but just wanted to acknowledge it because it really does sound lonely.

Do you have any older women in your life? Mentors/colleagues/friends? Or just peers rather than older.

Also, just to say that even really adoring mother-daughter relationships can be hard. My mother is very loving but she has her critical moments and can be quite selfish. We spend lots of time together and I know that I love her, but it probably looks a lot easier on the outside than it feels sometimes.

Anyway, hugs to you.

You need to read "Difficult Mothers" by Terri Apter.

It WILL change your life.

@letyouberight Thank you, I do have a couple of older friends (in their 50s and 60s). They provided some really good relationship advice to me a couple of years back. That was invaluable really, as it wasn't something I could turn to my mother for. I do now also have a couple of female friends closer to my own age too.

I understand what you mean about even adoring relationships being harder than they look. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like as a mother myself (although there is no chance of that happening now sadly).

Something my mother also does which upsets me is spy on me. For example, she will look through my things (bag etc) if she gets a chance. And she looks my Facebook up a lot. Although I don't know why, as I have put it on full lockdown now. 😂

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

Thank you, will look it up.

I think your mum may be emotionally immature, not necessarily narcissistic. I recommend this book, written very clearly by a clinical psychologist https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4. Don't blame yourself for this not being a fulfilling relationship.

@MrsJamin Thank you, yes, I think you could be right. I have myself thought that she is quite immature at times. Her brother, my uncle, is also like that too actually, although he is now better than he was.

Very hard op what age is she. Mine is 80s always negative. I did an hour yesterday then home. Lowish contact suits me fine. Feel for you.

Thank you and I am sorry to hear your morher is difficult too. Mine is 75.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. What do you know about your childhood, that often gives clues.

You were provided for materially but you were and remain neglected emotionally by her and that is abusive behaviour on her part. As is her spying on you. You have a right to privacy. Abuse too is not solely physical in nature.

Do read the books recommended and consider getting therapy. She will not change but you can change how you react to her. You do not have to be her carer in her dotage.

My mum was like this. I think the least a parent can be is kind. Mine was emotionally cold, jealous and selfish. You really cannot change her, just realise that this is her personality and adjust your responses to her. It is saddening, I realized as I grew older that a few of my friendships were like mum/daughter as though I was trying subconsciously to be "mothered". Just remember, you don't owe her care as she gets older. She's made her bed, sadly.

Yes very hard. Mine so mean too no card for birthday. I agree no changing them. It is what it is. She has so little in week she over invested in everyone now. Im glad Im at work mid week.. keeps me busy)

I sympathise OP, I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother….although she seems completely unaware of it.

When I was younger (say aged 10-20) she bragged about me to anyone she was talking to……it was as though I was her perfect child and it was all down to her. Somehow my brilliance was all a reflection of what a wonderful mother she was 🙄

Yet when it was just me and her, she criticised me a lot and nothing was good enough. I was under constant pressure to achieve and if I didn’t achieve the standard she expected then she didn’t let her disappointment show. In her eyes, if I wasn’t perfect in every way it reflected badly on her.

She never hugged me, never showed any affection and certainly never told me she loved me. I’m 43 now and I have been told by my mum that she loves me. I still have to play the role of the “perfect daughter” though.

A year ago she moved closer to where I live (she was previously 40 minute drive away) and she’s driving me crazy. She phones me over and over and over again and if I don’t answer she calls my husband. Or, she will constantly call and if she can’t call my husband (I.e he’s at work) she will just turn up at the house and usually let herself in.

I never go to her with a problem, the parent I am closest to is my dad (they are divorced) and he is always my first port of call.

When she comes round she talks AT me, not TO me. If I try and talk to her about something she either glazed over and starts looking around the home, or she will just interrupt me and start talking about her latest saga.

And she is so, so negative about everything. She just constantly complains and I’m so tired of hearing about it. The same thing over and over again.

Its so draining isn’t it?

Very draining.. she rang her friend. If she doesnt reply she texts again. 80s. Sometimes I feel its years of this crap. Im lowish contact suits me fine. My mother law lovely polar opposites.

Thank you everyone. I suppose the difficult thing is that my childhood on paper looks fine. I certainly wasn't spoilt, but I she did take me to sports lessons, that kind of thing. And she was very invested in my education and made sure I was well supported.

I guess I feel guilty and unappreciative of that in a way. It's just I would have liked a closer emotional bond. Someone I felt I could go to when I was having personal problems. I could never go to her if I was having a relationship problem, for example. And with no other relations (no siblings, no aunties etc) I can see now that it has been very lonely.

I do get a sense of jealousy from her. Although I am not sure why she is jealous of me. I have a happy relationship now, but there again so does she (as my Dad seems to put up with anything). I don't enjoy my job, and don't have a career to speak of. I also don't have children, and with so little family, face the prospect of being alone one day. I am not sure why she would be jealous of any of this. I have been trying to build up a friendship group of late, and I feel a little that she resents the time I am spending on this, but it's something I have to do to try and make more of a future for myself and improve my mental health.

I just dread the coming years. I get the impression that she feels that having a child is a very transactional relationship, i.e you put the 'work' in when they are a young and then they owe you everything back as you get older.

Sigh....it's hard. I know my life could have been worse, but as I approach middle age, I guess I wish I was part of a bigger and more emotionally supportive network. That I had had a sister, a close cousin or an aunty who would have provided some female support to me. I feel very much I have had to try to figure out a lot of life on my own.

p.s and I am sorry to all of you who are going through similar! Hugs

I get the impression that my mum had a very dysfunctional childhood based on comments she makes, and I’m assuming that’s why she had no idea what a normal parent-child relationship should look like.

I would love to lie her down on a psychiatrist’s couch because they’d find her fascinating!

Sorry, I have just noticed this reply. I don't really know exactly what my mother's upbringing was like, but my Grandma certainly seemed quite caring and normal at least.

My grandparents on my mum’s side, were always the best grandparents growing up. They were so kind and loving and thoughtful and me and my sister ADORED them!! We thought we had the best grandparents in the world. Even now as adults, me and my sister always reflect on how great our grandparents were and how lucky we were etc.

However, my mum has a very poor relationship with them both. Her experience of them as parents does not fit at all with our experiences of them as grandparents.

But, that’s quite common I think.

Although me and my mum had a very dysfunctional relationship, she’s an AMAZING Nan to my children and they love her to pieces.

I have come to realise that being a parent and being a grandparent are two very different roles and being the best grandparents in the world doesn’t necessarily mean they were good parents to their own child.