My lonely, lovely mum was ghosted

[Whattotellher]

Not sure if this is for elderly parents or relationships, but here it is:
Mum, 75, widowed. She DF were not terribly social, and she doesn't have a lot of close friends. She's now trying to expand her circle.

Last year she met a woman at a local community group and they seemed to hit it off. Mum liked her and they went to many activities.

There were a few red flags - some of the woman's communications were a bit OTT, e.g. "I can't wait to see your radiant smile," while at one lunch she seemed to find fault with everything Mum said. But Mum liked her sense of humour, and cut her the slack.

The woman had a chronic health problem, and Mum, who has a big heart, listened and talked over the medical choices extensively. In November, Mum got COVID (mild) and had to cancel an activity. She asked the woman about her own condition, but the woman said, "I don't want to talk about it." Then the woman cancelled an activity because her surgery was finally scheduled.
It was an outpatient procedure, and Mum asked if she could call that week-end. The woman said, very firmly, "I'll call you."

Five weeks later, the woman hasn't called, and there was no holiday message. Today, Mum saw her name on the guest list of an upcoming event she is going to, so presumably she is fine.

Mum is so upset. She feels hurt and used. She feels foolish that she ignored the red flags and invested too much in the relationship. She also worries that the woman forgot she said, "I'll call you," and that maybe she should have called anyway, even though she had previously said she didn't want to talk about it.

I don't know what to tell her.

Thanks for listening.

Tell her that people are just disappointing. It's not her, it's them. Tell her you love her.

Tricky one, it could be that the friend was anxious about the operation and not feeling up to talking. Either way, I would encourage your mum to continue with the groups, she will make new friends in time. And just to be breezy when she’s there and if she sees the friend.

Good on her for getting out there, she should continue and not let this blip put her off enjoying making new friends.

Well, it wasn't exactly breezy. Mum was a bit cool at the event and
the woman barreled up and confronted her, "Have I done something to offend you? You're not friendly!"

Mum demurred and they chatted. At the end Mum said, "Call me when you feel up to it. Last time we spoke you said 'I'll call you' so I didn't want to bother you."

The woman mumbled something like, "I know I should have called you, but I had a hard time after the surgery (which had taken place two months before) and then I had a cold."

Mum's ok, but she's a reserved person and likes to be on good terms with everyone. She has a few other activities lined up. I'm encouraging her to have more confidence in her perceptions - I have a feeling she might have cut this woman a bit too much slack.

Your mum is completely overreacting and, assuming that she likes the other woman, should have reached out way before now. Her friend was going in for surgery, of course it was likely that a ball or two would be dropped.

I think she's overinvested in, and overthinking, this relationship because she doesn't have many others. There didn't really need to be all this drama; she could have just said "oh, Mary, lovely to see you - how did the surgery go?" at the event and carried on from there.

I would encourage her to spread her social energies across a range of settings and people.

My advice to your mother would be she needs to focus on herself and her own wants and needs in a friendship - in the sense that people who feel a bit lonely and are looking for friends tend to have the reaction your mother has just had to this situation. If she wasn't 'looking' for friendship, she'd have lost interest in this woman ages ago.

If your mother was focussing on herself, who she liked or didn't like then she'd probably have realised this woman was not a friendship 'click' with her. You say while at one lunch she seemed to find fault with everything Mum said. In early friendship stages (like dating) people tend to put their best foot forward so this is a big red flag - and in 'normal times' (Say your DF was still alive), your mother wouldn't have given this woman any more time. As you say - in these circumstance as she is a bit vulnerable and searching for friendship - she cut her some slack.

However, if she'd been a bit more relaxed about it all and approaching it with a more discerning eye of 'what am I looking for in a friend', she'd have not got so friendly with this woman in the first place.

She needs to remember that real and good friendships take time to develop and grow. I'd say about 1.5 - 2.5 years depending on how often you are seeing someonone at a minimum. And remember that a friend that she isn't enthusiastic herself about seeing is a waste of her time.

@SirQuintusAurelius
You say while at one lunch she seemed to find fault with everything Mum said. In early friendship stages (like dating) people tend to put their best foot forward so this is a big red flag - and in 'normal times' (Say your DF was still alive), your mother wouldn't have given this woman any more time.

Yes, very good point. And I'm pretty sure DF would have set her straight about this woman sharpish.

I am in my early 70's and was widowed two and a half years ago. I moved to a new area to be close to family and started to join clubs ro make friends. The first two friends that I made it turned out that I had poor judgement in becoming their friend and both didn't treat me well. I recently read that part of grieving is sometimes a lack of judgement in the early days. Everything has changed and it's hard to see straight.

Since then I have made a group of much better friends and I am enjoying my social life again. I have dropped contact with the two that didn't turn out to be what I thought. Please chat to your mum and reassure her. Hopefully she will build a better group of friends who can support one another. I have found that joining the local WI has been helpful in this respect.

Honestly, it sounds like your mum may be used to fewer, more intense relationships, and needs to perhaps be clear that there are many other ways to do friendships - some may be more superficial or intermittent. And that is ok too.