My mum - can't work out if I'm just being oversensitive

[JimHalpertsWife]

I'm an adult eldest dd to my 64to mum. We do have quite different personalities, and given the fact we are mother and daughter, I'd imagine we are less reserved with one another than any other female-female friendship. As such, I'm not sure if I'm being touchy / over sensitive, or if these low level issues would eventually grate on others too.

Things I'm struggling with:-

Jealousy
Mum is very vocal with and around my nephews when I am there too, about how they "seem to like me better than her".

I disagree with her, they are small kids and enjoy being around all of their family members. We each have a relationship with the boys of our own, and frankly, if they get these vibes from her too, it's going to end up going down a route of them enjoying her less and less. She huffs and puffs if they even look my way. We don't spend masses of time all together, she gets lots of lovely time with them without me.

offence
Her response to pretty much anything said near her after shes had a glass of wine is "I am so offended" - something like I might say to her and my dad "oh, I watched this show the other night I think you might enjoy". She will then reply with "why aren't you looking at me and telling me I might enjoy it too? Why are you just speaking to your father? I am so offended that you would talk to him and not me". This is when I am literally sat with the both of them talking to both of them.

zero empathy combined with anger that I dont share my feelings
No one, and even moreso me, is allowed to have anything stressful or sad or challenging in their lives. She will respond with "well, you can't do anything about that" or "you just need to go on a walk". After a missed miscarriage she said to me "well, at least you know you can get pregnant".

Again after a wine or two (see the pattern?) She comments how she doesn't feel she really knows me, I don't open up to her. But when I do, my feelings are literally tossed aside as something I shouldn't ought to feel.

I try and keep our time together fairly surface level. She's around and in amongst out lives as she obviously wants to spend time with me, my sister and her boys and my girls. And she dotes on her grandchildren.

I just feel like I get a lot of crap thrown my way, by her, unwarranted. I clearly either piss her off, or whatever in her life is pissing her off she feels "safe" directing it towards me. She's no fun being around.

What a difficult relationship. I really don't know what I'd do in your situation. Perhaps a counsellor would help? I'd be tempted to avoid her, but I'd also like to be honest with her and explain why I find her difficult. I found my mother difficult for different reasons, and I moved overseas. We got along much better after that, and managed to support each other through some challenging times. Face to face communication was never great, but it improved over the years. All the best to you

Thank you. It's a challenge to navigate, and I'm very aware that even just in my day to day life, I have a sort of mental commentary on how I feel my mum would speak to me about what I'm doing. Like a constant "why do it that way?" Or "God we never did this and you're fine" type stuff.

It's clearly some hangover from upbringing but didn't realise it wasn't typical til chatting to friends.

It's quite tiring, tbh, but not a bad relationship worth cutting off if that makes sense.

It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and they need a willing enabler to help them; this is your dad.

I realise she is your mum but given what you've written about her too she is really no fun to be around. She makes you feel tired understandably.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Unlikely so do not tolerate it from your mum either. Reduce all interactions with her going forward, it really is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. The only people who actually bother with people like your mother are those who have received the Special Training i.e the now adult children of same. She is really not worth bothering about.

Narcissistic people get offended at the drop of a hat and have no empathy and that in particular is a big red flag here re your mother. You are her scapegoat. I would also observe how she behaves around her grandchildren; she likely has her favourite there too with the others being scapegoated. I would also keep her well away from your DDs going forward.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

I recognise the "don't share feelings" part of your post. It was something I was told by my Mum, and now she's dead, my sister does it too.

In my family it just seems to be handed down from generation to generation.

I could show my sister a handful of examples where I've opened up about serious health issues, which is always the thing my mother and now my sister pick on, but I've decided it's just not worth it.

I was put in a certain box by my Mum, and my sister still accepts that I'm in that box. My sister and I are in our 70s now so I cannot see a reason to upset my sister's view of me and of life - she, like Mum, puts people in boxes like that - this child in the family is difficult this child easy.

It may well be different for you. You and your mother may be young enough to achieve a change, but it looks to me like you have a mountain to climb. Whether it's worth trying to climb, only you can decide.

I think you're struggling to understand someone who might never be understandable to most people. I doubt she shows this level of concern about her own personality and its affect on you.

I have a strained relationship with my parents well. A lot of their self-esteem and ego relies upon feeling superior to me, and they don't like it when that's threatened.

It's hard letting go when you realise they will never change.

Yes I'm very mindful of how she interacts with the kids, and first sign of her treating them even a little similar to me will be the end point.

I doubt she shows this level of concern about her own personality and its affect on you

She does zero introspection. Once in a blue moon (on a wine fuelled night out) she will seriously piss off a close friend. She will visit them with her tail between her legs, apologise, swear not to drink with them and because these friendships are many decades old, they forgive.

This sounds very wearing. Have you ever called her out on her behaviour? l think l would have to make it clear that you are no longer prepared to put up with her negativity and criticism. If things don't improve significantly then reduce the time you spend together. The fact that you've continually got her critical voice in your head whilst you go about your day shows how much of an impact she's having on you, its really not acceptable and you should not have to put up with it.

No, I've not called her out on her behaviour in general. I have raised some very specific things where I've felt she's overstepped a boundary or has acted in a way which I've felt is taking advantage of me.

I could discuss the contents of my initial post with her, however I think they are so rooted in just her basic personality that it would be like calling out someone French for speaking French, if that makes sense?

I don't think she would take on board my comments, and would pull the "well if I'm that awful to be around, then stop being around me" - all well and good but we have a sociable friend and family circle of which she is central to. It wouldn't work to cut her out completely, as it would affect many more people than just me.

We already skip Christmas with her, for my sanity, at the expense of my kids spending Christmas with their wider family for example.