Mum wasn’t the mum I needed

[TheRareFish]

My mum was a SAHM great at giving me and my siblings the ordinary things in life. Food, clothing, clean house, rides to school etc. But was emotionally unavailable. I can’t remember having a good chat with her or going for a coffee. If I tried to get close to her, she would grab the hoover and clean or say she had to start dinner. She was quietly manipulative, would listen to my phone calls. She was difficult to please and always wanted more from her life. Pushed my dad to the limit to provide for her and always wanted a bigger house and then another bigger house. She took Valium constantly throughout my life but wouldn’t admit it. I feel like I didn’t really know her and wonder why what she had in life kids, home etc didn’t seem enough

If i think about it objectively I don't know any genuinely good mothers all the time. They can be great for a whole decade but always great mums? No. Most of us shouldn't be parents if we really thought about it but we don't we just think we'll be better or it'll be different this time. I can seem great to my DC's friends or the outside world when it's a good day or year but I've had my parenting fails. I think we compare our parents to a perfecr imaginary tv mother that doesn't exist..in reality mums have their own shit and trauma, stresses and MH.

There is a very insightful poem called 'This be the verse' says it all really.

Also, some of us are (or were) great mums at different stages. I hated small children and babies but was a much better mother once they were teens and beyond. I don't think there are many who are good mothers the entire way through, some stages strike some of us as harder than others. So someone who really struggled when her children were small may shine when they hit Secondary, others who love tinies might struggle more when the children get into their teens. We all just do our best, as our mothers did. But in the past you just 'got on with it', there was no help, no expectation of help and no expectation that you would spend hours talking to your children about their problems, or indeed, about anything much at all.

Mine was what I'd describe as very emotionally abusive, sometimes physically (and didn't protect me from her boyfriends or anyone really). Maybe some wouldn't label it that way. She struggled with valium and booze and had a really hard time. I remember once being smashed across the floor because I was making a noise- and then she held me and cried. One of only two times I saw her cry I think, before her heart closed up.

I personally have alot of compassion for her and her circumstances but that doesn't stop me feeling sadness, resentment, grief, loss etc etc from time to time. I try not to bury or invalidate my own feelings despite having understanding and compassion.

That sounds very difficult for you.