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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to support partner while also having boundaries?

6 replies

Hemlocked · 18/01/2025 14:00

DP has been renewing car insurance and other life admin tasks and has been incredibly negative for hours, lots of huffing and moaning and sounding off to me about customer service etc. I get it. I've tried my best to listen and be sympathetic but I was trying to cook lunch and still listening to him go on and on about still being sent around in circles by a chatbot or whatever, and his outbursts of frustration and I basically just reached my limit and asked him if he'd consider putting it away and doing it later. I work full time so I want to enjoy my weekends when possible, whereas DP is retired and could be doing this task any day of the week.

He's now very upset with me. He said getting it done was important to him and all he was looking for was a bit of compassion. He says why should my needs trump his? Whereas I feel like I've just reached my limit of negativity for the day and I just want to relax and enjoy the lunch I've cooked for us and the rest of the afternoon.

How do I support my partner while also having boundaries for the sake of my own mental health? Sometimes I just reach a point where I feel like I can't deal with the stress and negativity anymore so I either have to request that he stops sharing it, or I have to remove myself from the situation - both of which he hates.

OP posts:
fumanchu · 18/01/2025 14:06

Tricky, my DH is the same about admin issues etc. I do most of it but there are some things he has to do. I make suggestions but he just rants on, so I tell him to stop being a child and take responsibility. Maybe just remove yourself from the room and refuse to engage?

TipsyJoker · 18/01/2025 14:15

You tell him to grow the fuck up and stop having temper tantrums like a 3 year old. He’s retired not a toddler! I’m sure you empathised with his plight when he moaned to you about it the first couple of times. You’re well within your rights to say, “I understand how infuriating this is but let’s just put it aside for now and enjoy a lovely lunch together that I’ve made for us.” If he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem. You shouldn’t have to put with his shitty attitude because he feels like endlessly venting his rage.

AltitudeCheck · 18/01/2025 14:26

Mine does this also... I hate it! I usually find an excuse to go out. I find as I've gotten older my tolerance for aggressive muttering/ door slamming/ bad language has decreased and it really bothers me to see him so enraged / incompetent at dealing with simple frustrations.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 18/01/2025 14:40

I feel your pain. It's not as if I like doing this stuff but it's not that hard. I am a very judgemental person and I judge people harshly for this behaviour it's so tedious and unnecessary.
My dear late uncle had an actual study he went into to do admin because he didn't think it appropriate to involve others as it was work not fun!
Also you can deal with humans easily enough by telling the chatbot to connect you to a person. Well you can on amazon, soulless force of evil that it is.

MayaPinion · 18/01/2025 20:28

‘Ahh, poor you. Well done for keeping at it. I know you’ll get us the best deal in the end. I’m going for a swim/to the shops/for a coffee with Agnes. Let me know if you need me to pick up anything.’

TheSilentSister · 18/01/2025 21:02

Being around so much negativity can suck your soul dry. I was married to someone who complained about everything, the whole world was against him. It really brought me down, til I snapped and decided to leave. Best decision ever.
And yes I tried so hard to sympathise, reason with him over the years but it never made any difference.

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