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Original poster

Leaving on Monday, could do with some support today .

9 replies

ArtfulBear · 18/01/2025 13:06

I know I am doing the right thing leaving with DS. I ended things with my ex on Thursday after 13 years, he could be emotionally abusive in terms of silent treatment for extended periods of time. He also does an outstanding line in guilt trips. I've asked him to attend counselling since 2021 and he has repeatedly refused or agreed and then never gone. Apparently he's been going the past couple of months but that's news to me.

I can't stay. I'm miserable, I've lost myself trying to adapt to his moods and I need to be able to set boundaries. I do not want my son to learn that this is normal or healthy.

But, fuck me, the overwhelming grief today. I know the future will hold new dreams and joys and hopes. But today I am almost on my knees with sadness. I feel devastated. I am mourning the loss of the man I wanted to be partners with, and the home I wanted to raise my family in. The colours I painted the walls and the things I chose to make it homely. Playing with my baby in my garden as he grows. It's all going (and it's in my ex's name so yes, I do have to leave). And I will build something new but it will not be the life I have been dreaming of and thought I was building for well over a decade.

Today I am hurting and I do not feel strong.

OP posts:
Loubelou71 · 18/01/2025 13:30

Allow yourself to feel bad today because tomorrow can be different. It's understandable you'll find this difficult so don't beat yourself up about feeling sad today. You're going to be up and down. Be proud you've made the change. You're going to feel happier once you're settled. Well done. You deserve to be happy so don't forget that.

Imgoingtobefree · 18/01/2025 13:40

I do feel for you.

i have finally divorced after leaving a very long marriage.

In your head and heart you know it’s the right thing. You can only keep going forward, one step at a time, one hour at a time.

It’s so hard not to dwell on the past. When I am especially low I try to look forward and visualise myself in the future. I pick a time and place in the near future or far future - and imagine the little home I am in, or the joy of doing something in peace and calm.

The phrase a brain “that fires together wires together” is true. The more often you think about the past, the harder it is to NOT think about the past. God, I know because this is me.

Slow your breathing, keep thinking of the future and visualise yourself as that strong and confident woman you will become again.

Try a Power Stance, sing loudly, dance a little, go for a brisk walk, punch a pillow. Your body will be in physical stress and you need some kind of physical release.

Think of and imagine all the women before you who have made this valiant and brave step. You are about to join this wonderful sisterhood.

Best of luck, bless you and all the best for tomorrow xxx

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 18/01/2025 17:20

Thank you both for your kind words, they've been very validating. I've been dreading this week as I knew it would be really hard, although I'm also sure there is plenty more grief to come over the next weeks and months. There is nothing to do but push through and try and accept it though. His actions took having a loving relationship off the table so I just have to be brave.

OP posts:
nodramaplz · 18/01/2025 17:22

ArtfulBear · 18/01/2025 13:06

I know I am doing the right thing leaving with DS. I ended things with my ex on Thursday after 13 years, he could be emotionally abusive in terms of silent treatment for extended periods of time. He also does an outstanding line in guilt trips. I've asked him to attend counselling since 2021 and he has repeatedly refused or agreed and then never gone. Apparently he's been going the past couple of months but that's news to me.

I can't stay. I'm miserable, I've lost myself trying to adapt to his moods and I need to be able to set boundaries. I do not want my son to learn that this is normal or healthy.

But, fuck me, the overwhelming grief today. I know the future will hold new dreams and joys and hopes. But today I am almost on my knees with sadness. I feel devastated. I am mourning the loss of the man I wanted to be partners with, and the home I wanted to raise my family in. The colours I painted the walls and the things I chose to make it homely. Playing with my baby in my garden as he grows. It's all going (and it's in my ex's name so yes, I do have to leave). And I will build something new but it will not be the life I have been dreaming of and thought I was building for well over a decade.

Today I am hurting and I do not feel strong.

You're wrong, it will be the life you dream of.
Free and escaped from the drama of the ex.

Icyroll · 15/03/2025 09:06

I have been on your past threads OP

You have sounded so so unhappy and I’m so hoping that you have made the leap from this draining man

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/03/2025 09:12

How are you getting on @ArtfulBear ?

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 15/03/2025 09:24

I have, and life is much more settled and peaceful! My little boy and I have a tiny rented place of our own. It's a big adjustment and there still lots of ups and downs. I still need to work through a lot of grief too. Overall things feel much more positive though and I'm definitely on a happier path.

Thank you for thinking of me!

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/03/2025 10:15

ArtfulBear · 15/03/2025 09:24

I have, and life is much more settled and peaceful! My little boy and I have a tiny rented place of our own. It's a big adjustment and there still lots of ups and downs. I still need to work through a lot of grief too. Overall things feel much more positive though and I'm definitely on a happier path.

Thank you for thinking of me!

That’s great news. Onwards and upwards. Hope your DH has adjusted and life is easier on you, for your sake.
Happiness and freedom are just wonderful.
Here’s to a bright future.

Laszlomydarling · 15/03/2025 10:46

Congratulations on your new home! I left an abusive relationship 8 years ago. Still occasionally get a twinge of sadness that things didn't turn out how I expected. But 99.9% of the time I feel ecstatically happy and liberated. Hopefully it will be the same for you

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