Lack of Respect

[NewAccount1990]

So,
My 'husband' yesterday said he feels I talk to him with a lack of respect. I replied although this isn't intentional I no longer do respect him.

He's a compulsive liar (by his own admission) but blames me for this for putting him under pressure
He's turned his family against me by constantly bad mouthing me to them. And shows me the messages of them slagging me off.
He talks over me constantly
He never remembers anything I say... and/or ignores me all the time. Like he'll only reply to me on his terms

Like... I dont want to stoop to his level but how do I show trust, love and affection so he can't levy further blame at me?

Ltb

Trust is essential in a relationship , you can never have that with a compulsive liar.
Ditch him.

@vodkaredbullgirl & @Rachmorr57 I've tried to leave a number of times but "I'll change" and "I'm working on myself"

It's truly exhausting to be blamed for everything. Like it's my fault he lies (even though I set realistic expectations of him that he'll always push back against and set an unrealistic target for himself)
He says he's proving xyz and when I hold him accountable he was quite clear that by making everything a "test" I'm making the relationship unhealthy
He's quite clear when I say the relationship is over that I'm the one not trying, whilst he is
He said i tell him to leave, and as he thought it was over he jumps into bed with him venomous parents.

I'm just so tired of the round and round in circles. Like why am I always responsible?

Just leave. Nobody needs those mind games.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

read these. Then make plans to leave. He is abusive. He will never get better he will only get worse. The book linked will help you to understand this better. Being abusive is a choice. It’s not your fault and you don’t deserve it. When you leave, block him everywhere so he can’t hoover you back in and consider doing the freedom programme.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

@TipsyJoker - I'm under no illusion my marriage is abusive. I've tried to discuss this with him but of course, he isn't, his behaviour isn't as I say it is, and in fact, his family call me an abuser, and a narcissist.

To put this into context, months into the relationship we went out for breakfast, returned to his house and his parents were there cleaning. He point blank denied this was a "normal" event and said "oh they want to impress. They want this relationship to go well for me' fast forward to moving in together, he's got no life skills at all. From managing his money, to cleaning to anything. If he's to do anything he requires me to write him a list. His mother will message him a million times a day asking if he's done abcd for the kids.

If he does anything he gives me a running commentary and almost present annoyed when I dont praise him. (I didn't know I should praise a 37 year old for washing up in OUR house, or putting his kids to bed without him battling with them)

He has zero empathy, and only sees himself with everything fitting in around him. The emotional manipulation is off the scale, but of course, that's my fault too

He will not change; this is who he is
He has no intention whatsoever of working on his own self and he will keep running back to his toxic parents.

Stop falling for his false promises before he further drags you down with him. Make an appointment with a Solicitor re divorce. Ask yourself why you have put up with this from him at all.

It's no point discussing his abusive ways with him. Are you really expecting him to agree he's abusive?

You need to stop engaging with him on his level, detach from him, and make your plans to split.

@category12 I dont think I expected him to accept he was abusive. More that he would recognise the behaviours are problematic and want to change them.

If I spoke out about the abusive he knows his job would be at risk, something he told everyone - saying I was trying to ruin his life. Not that his behaviour was going to ruin his life.

I've felt so depressed for the last 6 months. I just want to be the better person, and find ways to put my feelings aside and still show him respect, so I can't be blamed over and over

You can’t discuss abuse with your abuser - they’ll always go full DARVO and blame you.

What are you getting out of this toxic car crash of a relationship with a lying twat?

He won’t change, this is who he is. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

End it, no more discussions and empty promises. Walk away and set yourself free from him and his family.

Put your wellbeing first. Part company.

He's learnt that this works for him. And talking about abuse with your abuser was about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Why on earth should you put your feelings aside and still show him some respect so as you are not blamed?. Where did this frankly daft mindset come from?. He has shown you no respect whatsoever here; only abuse and disdain. You would be blamed no matter how much you messed with your head further and tied your emotions up into a pretzel.

Such men like this man too HATE women and ALL of them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is still keeping you here with your Mr Wrong?. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; time to bust this open now. If he were to lose his job because of it that's on him. He caused that to happen.

OP, you can’t change people. You can’t ever expect good behaviour from this childish man or the toxic family who spoilt him. What you can do is save your children from growing up in this nightmare mess.

Please leave him, for DC as well as yourself xx

So why are you still with him? Leave. Contact women’s aid if you need support to make an exit plan. This won’t get better. You can’t work with an abuser to improve the relationship. This is who he is. You can’t change him.

You need to accept that "I'll change" and "I'm working on myself" are also lies. Does he have any professional therapy, or is this just him trying to convince you he's reflecting inwardly? If it isn't the former then he isn't trying.

The sooner you come to terms with the fact he won't change and this is not a healthy relationship the better. He will always blame you, even though you're not at fault. Get your ducks in a row, leave him, and have a happier life.

Thing is, what he does works for him.

You're the emotional punchbag and scapegoat, you pick his slack and everything flows his way.

The only fly in the ointment is you complaining sometimes. But generally he can make promises or bully you into shutting up again.

Why would you respect such a man?

This marriage, if you can call it that, diminishes you.

Are you willing to put up with this forever?

@AttilaTheMeerkat this daft mindset has come from feeling beaten down and defeated all the time. I've tried to leave. I've tried to help him to change.

I went to relationship counselling with him and was pushed to agree to give him more time despite going into the session with firm boundaries I wanted him to leave. I only went to the relationship counselling to feel hurt and on the agreement he said if I did the session, he'd go. He's still here.... and reminding me in the session I agreed to give him time

I know he doesn't deserve my respect but the reality is, everyone hates me and if I leave at least if I can do this, he can't say I haven't tried.

My husband twisted the narrative in counselling to focus on my anger - it felt so grossly unfair but how do you react without sounding angry? But the biggest issue was to do with my sense of self, my underlying fear that maybe it was all my fault, maybe I was impossible, unreasonable, etc etc. It took years of therapy to unpick, much of it having roots back in early childhood when, effectively, both my parents abandoned me.

He’s been my ex for 15 years and I still find I can react to his behaviour as if there’s some truth to it! Much much less now, and I see it as an opportunity to heal another bit of the ‘not worthy’ narrative I learnt as a baby. But it’s still there, I still, unfortunately, appear to have fucks to give, though there are recent signs the barrel is close to empty!

“everyone hates me and if I leave at least if I can do this, he can't say I haven't tried”

Who is everyone? His shitty family? Who cares what they think. They are his flying monkeys who are complicit in his abuse of you.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what the truth is and you know the truth. There is no quota you have to fill to say you can leave. You can leave because you are unhappy. But you’re not just unhappy, you’re being abused and the first time he did it was all the reason you needed to leave him. You can’t try with an abuser. You can’t change them. You can’t make it better. You can’t appease them. You cannot do anything to make this better. You can’t try harder or do the right steps.

It’s time. You’ve tried enough. It’s not working. You need to leave. Speak to women’s aid for support to make an exit plan.

Get on to womens aid.
Get your ducks in a row.
LTB

You only have one life. One. Do you want to waste any more if it with him?