Advice for pregnant woman please

[RobinsReturn]

Hello everyone, I’ve just joined mumsnet.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant with my first. My partner was absent for the majority of the first trimester and has been insulting for the most of my second.

There has been periods of good days but they don’t last.

Insulting behaviour has included criticising my appearance, telling me what I should wear, that I look better with make up, my hair is too long and too thick and that I smell like dog.

He says he wants me to feel at home in his house but tells me how to behave, from putting one tea bag in the pot to instructing me to wash dishes to saying I’m lazy for having a bowl of cereal and will be a neglectful mother.

I was a size 8-10 and presently a size 12. People say I’m small for my stage, despite me feeling huge. Sickness/tiredness has been constant during my pregnancy but good signs baby is developing. Im saving as much as I can for baby’s arrival so having to improvise with my wardrobe. Which makes me believe his insults on my appearance.

I’m a full time working woman, in a well paid job with my own house. My salary and house is more than his. He was told to leave his last job and has been working part time for 10 months.

Since testing living with him I’ve noticed he rarely hoovers, mops, dusts and regularly piles his dishes in the sink. I have a dish washer which I use, and do the necessary chores in my house.

He has been doing a “clear out” of his house for 3 months but presently most rooms are untidy with him accepting second hand furniture but has no place for it.

I’ve accepted second hand baby items from family/friends but want to buy a new pram. This has created many an argument as he wants to buy second hand.

It’s got to the stage I feel he doesn’t care about the pregnancy, let alone me. Yesterday he told me to get out and piss off so I packed up my belongings and left.

He hasn’t rang/messaged or called to resolve. I’ve spoken to a few people but as his on/off, silent treatment pattern has been frequent and I’ve enabled it, it’s embarrassing and difficult to have those conversations again.

I know he will be in contact eventually in a few days/weeks but would be grateful for advice on how I build up my confidence and self esteem to get the perspective I need to be the best Mother I can.

This is who he is. He isn't going to get any better, in fact he'll probably get worse once the baby comes. He is an utter scumbag. Best thing you can do is walk away now. Go home and raise the baby on your own

Absolutely this.

And speak to people, it’s not embarrassing but this needs to be the time you put your foot down and walk away- for yourself as well as your child.

I have a 9 month old baby now and although postpartum is a beautiful thing in lots of ways it is also absolutely one of the most brutal and vulnerable times a woman goes through. If he’s picking at you already over an outfit and a “smell” believe me when I say you don’t want to stick around to see what he’ll be saying to you when you’re staggering around a few days post-birth in sweat, milk & blood stained day old PJ’s, unwashed hair for sometimes days on end, when you need help in & out of the shower or help cleaning yourself/changing a pad or changing clothes etc, or even in the months following the birth when everyone is tired, tensions are naturally higher as a result of little sleep & a demanding tiny human so actually brushing your hair and changing into new PJ’s sometimes feels an impossible task nevermind putting make up on and a nice outfit. And if he’s already trying to dictate to you about the way things are done in his house, don’t stay there with a baby. The list of new jobs become endless, his way of making a bottle, his way of sterilising, his way of washing and folding clothes, his way of eating etc.

Let this be the day you change your future, walk away.

Thank your lucky stars he’s shown himself to be a complete cuntt before your DC is born and make the split permanent. You font live together so that’s a definite bonus.

Getting rid of this toxic twat will do your confidence the world of good.

Pregnancy as well as birth are flashpoints for abusers to show their true colours. Your relationship with him now is over. Do not accept his pleading for you to come back or any protestation from he that he has changed. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Controlling behaviour like he has shown you is abusive behaviour. Give this child your surname and do not put him on the birth certificate.

Resd Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and enrol yourself into the Freedom Programme. Abuse like this can take a long time to recover from and your boundaries here may well have been weakened further by this man.

It’s unclear from your post whether your partner was abusive before you became pregnant but he’s certainly been abusive during your pregnancy which is a time when he should be feeling particularly protective and caring towards you. A decent father-to-be does not abuse his pregnant partner; he protects her and looks after her. That should be his instinctive response. He sounds horrible so I hope that your relationship is now over. Please do not go back to him.

It’s great that you can be independent of him since you have your own salary and your own house.

You may want to give serious thought to whether or not he goes on the birth certificate. (Btw: this is the English/Welsh law position and the position may be different if you live in a different country). Unless you are married, he would need to go with you to register the birth in any event. Until about 20 years or so ago, being named as father on the birth certificate did not give the father parental responsibility for the child, however, it does now do so. This means being on the birth certificate would give him parental responsibility.

There are posters on MN who believe it is important for the father’s name to go on the birth certificate so the child knows who their father is. However, there are other ways of telling a child who their father is.

If he has parental responsibility, he can assert rights in respect of your shared child. He sounds lazy, selfish and unpleasant so that may not be in the child’s best interests.

He can apply to be put on the birth certificate in any event, but you should give some thought to whether that is something you want from the outset (bearing in mind that he would have to come with you in person to achieve this).

There are lots of parenting books and websites you can refer to so you can feel a bit more confident about your parenting abilities. Also, I find Vicki Iovine’s book – The Best Friends’ Guide to Babies is very useful, humorous and reassuring at explaining what it’s like to be a new parent. The truth is, however, most of us learn on the job, particularly with our first. As long as you turn up and are loving to your baby, which I’m sure you will be, that’s a very good start.