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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

4 year affair - Divorce - OW - Children

7 replies

ThisQuickPlumFinch · 17/01/2025 16:56

Together since we were 18 years old. 3 children, 20 year marriage. Affair in 2018, the day my mum died, 'everyone was so sad at home, we did have sex anymore' (baby born in 2017). The usual.

My question, I haven't met her or spoken to her, she does spend most weekends / holidays with my kids. I smile when they say what they have done together and all the fun times.

How to cope with her being part of my life? Well, my kids life? She is ok with them, pleasant, spends a lot of money on them, holidays of a lifetime, £50 Christmas gifts etc.

I find it hard to accept her in their life and how to move forward. I have no intention of meeting her unless forced, I imagine she feels the same about me.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 17/01/2025 17:01

She's not part of your life. She's an extension of your children's life. You don't have to deal with her at all. Go live your life and have a martini and smile when he does to her what he did to you but other than that? Eh neither are worth a second thought. Both are scum.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/01/2025 17:08

At least she is nice to your children, that's something to be thankful for. Depends how old your children are. If they stay together you'll be forced to meet at some point I guess.
I'd just be civil.

kimchisauchio · 17/01/2025 17:09

how long have you been managing it Op?

ThisQuickPlumFinch · 17/01/2025 17:14

Their affair was 5 years before I found out.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 17/01/2025 17:24

It's tough OP but the saying "the best revenge is a life lived well" is often true.

There is no reason to meet her or even to "give" her your headspace.

She's pleasant to your children and they probably in return. That's a good thing, but she's not a replacement for you in their eyes and their perceptions of her and their father will be tainted by what they did.

Far better to expend your mental energy on your own life and using the time when they are with her and their father to enjoy experiences you would not have otherwise been able to do.

Good luck

kimchisauchio · 17/01/2025 17:33

ThisQuickPlumFinch · 17/01/2025 17:14

Their affair was 5 years before I found out.

how long have you been apart?

wizzywig · 17/01/2025 17:35

You sound numb to her. I don't know if that's the right word? How are you and the kids?

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