Separating, am I being unreasonable?

[dontknowwhattodo1234567]

So my husband announced between Christmas and New Year that he wants to leave. 18year relationship with 2 children involved. Originally he said he’d move straight out of the house and planned to pack his bag that night and go. To me, it came out of nowhere. He’d been acting a bit aloof over the Christmas holidays so I asked him if he was ok, and that was the reply. Then bam, he was packing.
If I’m honest I freaked. I didn’t want him to leave so suddenly, I was still getting my head around what he was actually saying. He left the following day (after telling our children) and went to stay with family for a couple of nights to sort his head. Both of our families live quite a distance away from us so he wasn’t local.
For the next couple of weeks he’s done one night stints at various friends houses (his friends not mine) and then also nights on our sofa in the living room (we don’t have a spare room). Last weekend he announced that he was going to stop sofa surfing at friends and continue to sleep in our living room. Our children have really struggled with his constant coming and going and have become really closed off from him- especially our teenager. I agreed, as I’ve been worried about the children and just want them to be well supported. We also need time to review our finances to work out exactly how this is all going to work and doing so around his extremely long working hours is going to be a challenge.
3 days later and he’s changed his mind again and I’m feeling a bit irritated by the constant inconsistency. This time a friend has offered their spare room to him for a sustained period of time. If I’m honest, I feel uncomfortable about this because this husband and wife I felt were my friends too. We’ve socialised many times as a 4, I’ve spent hours standing on the sidelines of sporting events talking to both of them, I even have a work space in the same place as the husband.
My husband has obviously told them, and I feel a bit uncomfortable that they are offering him a place to stay. It feels like they are involving themselves and at the same time taking sides. Neither of them have reached out to me to see if I’m ok which I guess tells me that my friendship isn’t as valued as his which is a shame.
I understand that currently sleeping on the sofa isn’t a long term arrangement. I know he can’t do it forever, but it also feels a little unfair that he’s leaving me to take full responsibility of the children and disappear while I come to terms with the end of our marriage.
I get that it’s awkward being under the same roof, but there’s also a lot to work out and set up before he can actually officially move out. Him staying elsewhere is surely only going to make the process so much harder to sort.
Is my thinking totally off? Am I being unreasonable? Are my emotions getting in the way of being more understanding? Or it he taking the piss? If he had to move out to somewhere on a temporary basis, I’d rather it was with a friend who I didn’t know that well. It feels horrible that he’s planning to use people who up to now, I’d also considered my friends too? Thoughts?

You have all my sympathy. This is going to be a very hard time of your life.

Theres a really good thread on the Divorce/Separation board about this with lots of posters on this exact thing.

As this is so new, your head will be whirling and it’s to be expected that your feelings are high. I am sorry to say the withdrawal of people you thought were your friends will happen. Now is the time to seek out those who will support you - you may be surprised how kind some people will be.

I personally think it’s better that he is not in the house - but that’s my opinion.

I was divorced last year after a very long marriage and sharing the house was the worst possible thing for me. You will want answers he may not wish to give - conflicts will most likely arise and the children will be there to witness it all (or some).

You will be wanting answers and to know where your life is going - that is normal. But your husband has obviously been thinking on this for a while. Your head has some serious catching up to do.

So sorry.

I think you should thank your lucky stars he’s not under your roof OP !
At least the kids aren’t being confused .
I wouldn’t burn bridges with “friends” but equally wouldn’t treat them as confidants .
Start leaving your key in the door so he can’t just enter your home unannounced and keep any paperwork outside your home x

You don't really know the thinking behind the friends offer. It's just as likely that the wife is thinking I wouldn't want that shit and they have offered because they think it's better for you. It is better for you.

Living apart is the best thing for everyone. You both have space and kids know what’s going on without the awkwardness of coming down to dad on the sofa

Ok thank you. I think because my head is still coming to terms with what is actually happening my instinct is to keep him close. I guess I have to let him go at some point. And good points about the friends. I don’t know their motivations for the offer and I can’t control what they do. It’s just a bit of a shame my end because I actually like them a whole lot more than my husband.
Anyway, I’ll let him crack on. I guess our children getting used to dad being gone is a reality they’re going to have to come to terms with sooner or later, so we might as well do that now rather than it drag on.

I’ll echo what others have said. My divorce started off relatively amicable but living together was absolutely awful. Such a stressful environment and you need a safe space that’s yours whilst you are going through this. Journalling really helped me come to terms what was going on as well as some therapy (my workplace has an employee assistance program).

Just because your friends have offered him somewhere to stay, don't take it as they wont support you. I wouldn't burn bridges with them right now
DH and I have a close friend couple going through a divorce. We offered up space for the wife to stay some weekends not because we only support her. But because she asked and need it. The husband has also stayed with us when ne needed to when he asked and needed it. We offered to both as it was better for them to not stay in the same house as each other while sorting things out.
If you need support, reach out to them don't wait for them to reach out to you.

Him leaving is better for the kids, they need to get used to him not being there anymore. But they will hopefully get used to it and you can all reframe it, daddy isn’t ‘gone’ daddy is living somewhere else but always here for you. You two need to deal with your separation as separately from the kids as you can and that’s easier when he’s not staying there, when they see you together it should be as amicable coparents.

That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, they absolutely are, but it’s time to start treating this guy as an ex rather than your husband.

The worse time in my whole life was the four weeks my exH and I spent in the same house after he said he wanted to leave (albeit that was for someone else). However hard you try, the children will be affected because its so hard and him being there will have a detrimental affect on you. Push for a proper break, ie him out the house, especially as it sounds like you dont have a spare room. You need to look after you (ie put your own oxygen mask on before you put your children's on) so you need to be mentally strong for them. Try to plea for stability for the children etc. Ultimately you will struggle to force him to leave at an early stage I strongly advise you go and speak to a solicitor asap to get advice.

Hello OP, I am going to echo what other posters are saying. While some people chose to live in the same space after separation, I myself hated it. I was the one initiating separation but it was agreed that my ex would leave once he finds suitable accommodation. It ended up being four long months and it was an agony. We did not argue or anything, but I literally felt ill the whole time.

As for the friends, no reason to feel resentful. It is hard for people to find the best way to deal with this situation. I personally preferred that our friends did not take sides and stayed friends with both of us. Some did, some did not. In your case, of course, it is possible they did take his side, but probably not. A friend needed a place to stay and they invited him in. That is all.

I suggest you focus on practical things, like getting your finances together, discussing child care etc. I the meantime, try not to be too emotional in front of you kids, they will mimic your behavior. This is not the end of the world, your family is not being broken and even though it will be hard for a while, you will all be ok. Your kids need to know this.

Best of luck.❤

Thanks all. He left on Sunday. As for the practical side of things, I’m in a pickle that I’ll have to sort. I work part time for his company, so I guess I’m going to have to find a new job. He also doesn’t want the children at all, other than dropping in on weekends to see them, as it would stop him working the hours he likes to (he’s always been out the house 12 hours a day anyway). So not only do I need to find a new job, but work out how I’m going to be an effective single parent. All feels a bit much right now to get my head around.
In terms of finances to get in order, there are very little. The house has some equity (not loads after only buying it 6 years ago) and his company has some profits. But apart from that, we have very little savings, his business struggled for a number of years so some of our savings went into that. He doesn’t have a pension, or anything like that. So not much to look at or divide up. Feel really stupid now to have trusted we were a team in all of this.

He might be paying for the room as a lodger.