How to have cordial relationships with extended family? Tips please.

[HazelTheDormouse]

I’m trying to change some things in my life as I find myself under a lot of stress. A big chunk of it is due to the never ending family politics, games and dramas on my in-law side.

I’ve decided that I only want to deal with my PIL from now on. I’ve gone LC with them but when my DH arranges things of course I’ll be polite and welcoming. My DH’s extended family are a nightmare. They are openly hostile to anyone who is not blood and over the years have caused me a lot of stress.

Now I’m in my 50’s I just don’t want to know any of them. Like I said, I’ll do PIL, for my DH’s sake, but not any of the others. Recently they started to criticise and include my eldest in their politics. They are family after all! I could go nuclear, but that’s a last resort as it just feeds their thirst for drama. I’d rather just put a massive gulf between us and them. DH can do what he likes. I’ve talked to my DC about this. They all said they can’t be doing with their dramas and want no part of it, so I told them just to not engage with them.

We got invited to spend a special day with my DHs sibling, but I declined saying we were just having a quiet one just us and DC. This didn’t go down well. I’m in my 50’s, married 30 years and have grown DC. I don’t understand why I have to explain myself to my DHs sibling?

After this ramble I just want to know, what should adult in-law relationships look like? I don’t have this drama on my side. I don’t see my SIL or BILs that often, but when I do, it’s very nice and we have a nice time. Why can’t it be like this with my DH’s family? Why the drama?

As an adult, with grown DC, what are your expectations of your relationship with your SIL and BIL’s? How should it be? What level of contact should be expected?

Some people I get along with very well, I enjoy their company and they enjoy mine. Others, I dislike them and/or they dislike me and we spend as little time as possible in each other's company. I'm talking about extended family/related by marriage here.

The first group get my time and effort, the second group get radio silence.

I’m trying to do the same. I’m investing in those who’ve been there for me, those I value, and whose company I enjoy and vice verse.

People like my very good friends, and one of my siblings who have been a great help to me when I’ve struggled. Others did nothing. Now I’ve more free time with not as much child care, I don’t want to spend time with these people. I feel at a crossroads in my life. Like I need to make decisions about who I do and don’t want in it and draw lines under it.

I have been doing radio silence with certain extended family/ in-laws. I haven’t seen one of them for a year. It’ll be awkward when we do eventually meet I think. People and their dramas make me feel ill TBH. All my problems seem to come from other people and their toxic behaviour whether that be work or extended family.