Husband out on another drinking bender. Need some advice please.

[Incandescentwithrage]

This is part of a post here that I posted in AIBU but I now think it would be more relevant here.

H went out last night and got completely drunk. Did not get up to spend Bank Holiday with us so I took the kids out for the day. He tried to call us while we were out but I didn't hear the calls. Arrived home to find that he has gone out on the piss again and is refusing to answer his phone and now switched it off. This has happened many times before but it has been about a year since the last bender. I know that I have got to leave him but my situation is absolutely dire. I have no money whatsoever. I am in social housing with a joint tenancy, which he refuses point blank to leave. He is incredibly unreliable and I am terrified at having to let him have my kids without me there to supervise. If I am honest that is the reason I have stayed this long.

He told me that if I leave him and try to limit access to the kids he would rather see them go into care than have that happen and he will tell social services and the police about things in my past and even make up lies about me so that he will get my children. He threatens to take them away abroad when he does have them.

I feel utterly trapped. I am going to see a solicitor and apply for legal aid and then divorce him but who is going to be there when he comes to my house and forcibly takes my children. I don t have any thing going for me at all. All that happens if I leave is that my kids will be out of my care with a man who has an alcohol problem and is totally unreliable. One night I went to the cinema and when I got back he had locked me out (not on purpose) and was drunk on the sofa, too drunk to even hear the door bell and get up and answer the door. My kids were awake and crying because I had to ring the doorbell to try to get in. In the end I had to call the fire brigade to break in for me.

I need advice. Can I get re-housed if we split up because I know for a fact he will not leave. Any help or advice would be gratefully received. Sorry this is so long.

christ. i opened this as dds dad would often disappear for days drinking. still does but we're broken up now.

but your story is quite complicated and i dont have any practical advice as i dont live in britain so dont know your entitlements.

firstly though you have to note down every time he goes out drinkin/is abusive/threatening. please do. you need evidence to present to police if a custody argument arises. write it down.

you have to leave him. i dont know how you'll support yourself but you cant bring your children up in a house with this man.

if he turns up to your door dont answer. if he refuses to leave the door ring the police. dont be ashamed. record everything. if he has a drinking problem i would guess that after a while he'd forget about trying to see your dcs all the time and just concentrate on his drinking.

sad but true.

i really feel for you and i'm sending virtual hugs and support.

Oh no, how awful.
You should be able to get re-housed, it won't be immediate but you should get placed.
Social services won't 'put your kids in care' because he's being spiteful, it doesn't work like that. TBH if you think he's a risk to them it would be responsible and prudent to inform SS yourself of the situation. You could request support with re-housing on the basis that he's unsafe around them - they wouldn't do a lot but they could advocate for you and at least tell you where to go.
It sounds like you have a long slog ahead but you will get out the other side xxx

No real advice just sympathy. I think the fire brigade may keep records of call outs so if needed they could prove that you got them out when he was drunk on the sofa.
Other than that I wish you well and manage to get away from him, I am sure there are lots of women who have been in similar situations on here who will give you sound advice

Hi Incandescentwithrage

I'm new to mumsnet. Your situation reminded me of mine 11 years ago. My ex husband drank (still does), would make threats, etc to make me stay. The police were called out quite a few times due to the violence. I left him a lot of times, went to a refuge once, had a very good social worker, doctor, and counsellor who were wonderful. Finally, one night, things got really bad. I had to leave, with my two dcs, and the help of the police. I went to a solicitor, attended court, got an injunction, (which was supported by the police), was advised by the police not to return to my husband, as they were concerned for my safety. When the first injunction of having no contact with me at all expired, I got another one which lasted for 6 months, warning my exhusband he would be in trouble if he caused violence. He was allowed to see the dcs but under supervision. This stopped as they got older and decided they didn't want to see him, as he heardly ever turned up or was drunk. I was given a house by the council. After the 2nd injuntion expired, my exhusband continued to harass me, each time I called the police and kept a record. He hated being visited by the police, and on the last occasion they saw him, he was threatened with being arrested, so the harassnent stopped. When we got divorced, he tried to get custody, but the police and social services showed concern for the drinking and violence. He had always told me, if I left him, he would take the dcs, and break every bone in my body. He didn't and I was awarded custody. He threatended me, saying if I had a boyfriend he would kill him and me, if I left the area, he would get my dcs, all the usual threats. In fact, he did nothing. We've been divorced 11 years now, he doesn't see the dcs, hasn't bought them anything, including birthday and xmas presents, doesn't care about them. All he cares about is the alcohol. He still lives locally but we don't speak. I am ok now, my confidence has come back, I'm working and studying for a degree, and my dcs are both doing well at school. They are now 15 and 16. There is help out there, I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, but it's worth it in the end. I realy hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

mashedup that sounds terrible. but it is so fantastic that you have come out the other side. i'm lucky in that i live seperately to dds dad so never had to worry about leaving my home.

plus he was never violent. just rude.

congratulations on your dcs! and your degree. i am also studying for a degree and it has been the biggest boost to my confidence in the months since our breakup.

hope things are ok with you tonight incandescent.

i'll check in tomorrow to see how you are.