Want a baby but feel like I’m the only one trying…

[CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce]

Long story short; both my husband (how do I learn short hand for this site? New here!) and I want to have a child. Always have. We’ve known each other 20 years and been together most of them (both early 30s now).

We were first in our friendship groups to become a couple, move in together, get engaged…

we suffered a trigger warning

early loss of pregnancy in our early 20s. Neither of us knew I was pregnant; I’d been on contraceptives for years, never missed a dose; but when it was happening; something in my brain KNEW what was happening as I lost our little baby.

We both were numb with grief. It wasn’t remotely planned. We weren’t remotely ready. But that child has a face and name emblazoned on us; the face is different; but we agreed a name on our Angel Baby so we could talk more openly and easily about it.

One of the hardest parts was that given WE didn’t know we were expecting; explaining the resulting obvious psychological and physical issues we faced seemed strange…

Some were loving, understanding, others had the attitude of how can you grieve something you never knew you had?! It was… well awful.

We went on with our happy little lives as a couple though, until my now husband had a freak injury that derailed his career entirely. He was physically and then mentally broken. I became his carer and both our lives changed dramatically.

Then about 5 years later it was my turn, mental health caused severe physical health problems and I’ve been in and out of hospitals/care homes/ facilities ever since. Now he’s my carer.

BUT we both want a baby. I KNOW this.

My body just won’t comply with sex. I still find my hubby SUPER hot, but every time he touches me my body just… shuts down??

It’s like I know what’s on the horizon; there’s no will they/wont they?! Is this a a fancy knickers and nightie night or a quickie in my comfy pjs? Or just a fondle? Or cuddle? All of them now feel wrapped up in baby making.

i only recently (6 months) ago found out (alone, in yet another hospital bed) that one of my long term health conditions means if not producing female hormones (LH/FSH/other things I can’t remember/don’t understand), the way I should.

I’ve had MANY painful/intimate; exams and there’s nothing wrong with me anatomically; it’s purely hormonally… currently I can’t take any extras because of what I have to take regardless.

I AM ANGRY.

Im angry at my doctors because it took me pushing and pushing to have tests done (simple ones).

Im angry at my husband because every time he tries to initiate sex and I decline he takes it as a personal insult; as though I’m declining him.

I’m not, have explained my body just won’t let me right now. I tell him out of the moment how crazy attractive I find him; in every way, not just physically; but still he pushes the issue as if I’ve some how become celibate by choice and it’s an argument starter.

How can we share this blow like we shared all the others, together, united, not us both feeling upset and lonely?

More importantly I guess, where and who can help us navigate this path?

What do I ask/ ask for?

is there any hope?

Any advice?

please help me

I think you should consider marriage counselling; it sounds like you are finding it hard to communicate well around sex and in general. And if you do become pregnant, it will become more important than ever to communicate well about all aspects of your relationship.

I also think you should tell your medical team about your plans to conceive, and ask how your hormonal issue and/or long term medicines may affect that. There may be changes they can make for you to maximise your chances of TTC (trying to concieve).

I don’t know if this is how I reply or not (again, new here so please correct me if I’m wrong), but I really appreciate your response.

I was still doing online grocery shops for hubby and our dog on my many hospital stays last years. He came in daily (as much as allowed by hospital), with freshly laundered clothes for me, took my used ones away, and I’d ask him what he needed. His only responses were things for the dog and bottled water, but I’d get a little few extras I knew he liked that could be easily and quickly cooked, and a few practical things for the house.

the first time I came home to rotten food, still unpacked, takeaway boxes everywhere, the same bed linen on; and he’d had at about 24 hours notice I’d be home that day.
The 2nd time ( around 2 months later)… same exact thing.

that time I insisted he got personal counselling and was able to get him in quickly, in fairness he completed it and it did seem to help (NHS on its knees mental health wise, so it was a six week course). But I was so proud of him, he got a certificate through the post and I could see he was proud of himself too.

we spent 2-3 blissful weeks together, then I was back in again. This time 3 months. I was scared the whole time; less for me, more how was he coping? If he could cause that much disruption in quarter of the time, what was I going home to face?

it was just the same but quadrupled. The dog’s bowls were immaculate (as per usual), the dog was a happy little ball of well fed floof, he’d been doing the usual daily runs of visiting and laundry to me, but his shirts (which I thought he was wearing to make a good impression on hospital staff) were HIS only clean clothes- no bed clothes or linen.

I had to get my neighbour to help me throw out stained pans that had been there since I got taken away in the ambulance.

I know these hospital stays I have aren’t fun for anyone, but he gets minimal support, only from me and my family.

But these situations have left me wondering, are we right to be even trying to have a baby? It’s clear he can look after others really well- but he does it to the detriment of himself.

I have us on waiting list for couples counselling (6 months minimum), but in the meantime I’d like to know our status. I can’t wrap my head around all I need to know (and don’t want to scare myself silly by googling terms I don’t understand and reading horror stories)…

I guess I’m just looking for advice really. Any and all advice. I wanted to make it clear as well that this isn’t a “band-aid baby” we’ve wanted this since before I became unwell- just now I’m coming out of it again I was hoping that we might feel able to engage in trying. Just not like this: not when there’s so much tension and confusion.

I don’t know if I’m asking the right questions. I’ve become scared to ask in case I don’t like what I hear… is that just me? Am I just tired or do a lot of people who are trying for a baby feel like this? It all seems so medicalised and maybe I’ve had my fill of that? I just want some sense of normality..,

I agree the couples counselling may help. Thank you so much for your reply x

In a very gentle way, it sounds like right now is not the right time for you to have a baby, and your body knows this. I would listen to it, prioritise (a) getting you both mentally and physically well, and (b) getting your relationship into a really strong place. Having a baby without any of those things being really good is a recipe for distaster.

But don't stress - you have plenty of years left to consider having children. Take the stress of this decision away from yourself for now, and focus on sorting out all the rest for a while first.

Sounds like you need to let him go. He is not getting any younger either and not fair to deprive him of fatherhood elsewhere.

I agree. In the gentlest possible way neither of you seem in the best place to have a baby to also look after.
It’s a bit concerning too that his need for physical intimacy is dismissed. No bad thing he wants to be close to you sexually. Equally understandable you aren’t in that place but his needs and yours are on a par. If you don’t feel like the act itself could you do other things together if you want to, to reconnect.
Not entirely fair to berate him for not coping when you are away. Can’t be easy for either of you when you’re in hospital. If he lives on takeaways and doesn’t wash up that’s up to him. He needs a bit considered and looked after too.
Sounds like you’ve both had a very hard time. You have a special bond so do all you can to reconnect and come together. Kindness humour and understanding go a long way. Only when you are stable again for a long time think about starting a family. It’ll be harder than you think possible and need to be match fit.

Thank you so much for all of your responses.
i do think the “let him go“ and similar comments are a bit unfair though… (not that anyone is to know that) but I have for years talked openly and honestly with him that if he’s unhappy, unsatisfified, un-anything- he can go and live his life without me being his wife and there will be NO animosity. I’ve even agreed that he can take our little dog (they’re closer now because I’ve had to spend so much time away medically)- that I won’t argue in any monetary or property terms- that I will give any reason he wants for our break up to my family and would never disparage him to anyone (they all adore him, as I do).
every time I bring it up, it’s an outright NO- he says he loves me and is IN love with me- and what do I do? Divorce a husband that I love and says loves me? Chuck him out?
I know we need change and have experienced some unfortunate luck. But, with help, can we overcome?
I agree the therapy would probably help. And I agree that NOW is not the right time for a baby. I guess I just want the intimacy without the prodding thought in my mind of babies because we know each other so well I know it’s what we’re both thinking- so I just clench up mentally and physically- I can’t physically help it. I also want to know what our options are further down the line.
can I just add that I wouldn’t care if he had a take away every meal of the day, or judge him, it’s the change in behaviour that raises alarm bells. He’s a grown man and entitled to do whatever he wants- but going from somebody who cooks everything from scratch and passionate about it- to coming home to mouldy pans and chicken bones from an order-in- it’s different.
equally I want physical touch. Just my medical conditions don’t mean I’m not always “ready to go”- his don’t mean that. And I looked after him for a long time before he took on the role for me- not once did I put him in a situation he felt uncomfortable with- because I asked him and got his consent he was happy to move forward- I just want the same back I guess?