I want to leave but can't afford to

[SoManySigns]

My husband and I have a one year old daughter and I'm desperately unhappy in our marriage. He's not a terrible man, he's not abusive, but since having our daughter he's become incredibly selfish.

She's a terrible sleeper and it all falls to me to deal with her, even though I work full time too. He starts work very early 6 days a week so I've always accepted that. But on the one night he doesn't have work early the next day he drinks, every week. Even when I'm clearly exhausted and struggling, he wouldn't think to give me a night of rest.

I feel like a single parent and it wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be a team and I don't recognise the man I married.

But I can't afford to leave.

We don't own, we rent in quite an expensive area. If I moved somewhere cheaper I'd be completely alone. But I'd struggle to afford even a 1 bedroom flat on my own with the baby on my salary. I've looked into UC and it still wouldn't be enough with the top up I'd get. I also unfortunately have about 3k credit card debt which I'm struggling to clear as it is with the cost of living. Our current property is cheap for our area and lately it's been a struggle on 2 salaries, I don't know how I'd survive on one.

I just feel so trapped. I think we are going to have to just separate but live together for 6 months or so to clear debts and build some savings. Practically, our little girls bedroom is quite large so I can put a bed in there for me. But other than that, how do we get through the next six months? I don't want my daughter to pick up on any animosity, that's my main concern.

do You have any IRL support?

If the marriage is not abusive and you are planning to stay in the home, why would you announce a separation? Living together while separated will be awful. Can’t you just pull back a bit and put some emotional distance between yourself and the situation while you make preparations?

What does he think? If he knew you were serious about leaving would that shake him up?

If not him, could you talk to one his family members?

You haven't explained if you have had some serious conversations with him, or whether you are bottling your frustrations and it's growing bigger and bigger.
You must have a serious chat with him, if he's working 6 days and has early starts he also will be tired, but he needs to know wife and family comes first.

If you put a bed in your dds room, will that help you and her sleep better? If so, I'd do that first and try to improve the sleep.

Is your DH working long hours because he is stressed about money too?

Are there options for you to move out of London (or whatever expensive city you are in) and still have a job?

If you split, do you think DH would be an active coparent with 50/50 time or would you be doing everything?

Tbh I don’t think many people can afford to leave

id suggest clearing the debt before you do leave, also when does your tenancy end? It’d be better to leave when the tenancy ends as then the council tax also won’t be your liability.

have you had a conversation about you going out? You having time out of the home for an evening a week to give you time ?

Working 6 days a week with early starts is going to be exhausting, so I wouldn't begrudge him drinking. But is he having a couple of drinks or getting blind drunk, as there is a difference?

Have you spoken about it? Alternating lies in each week (given there is only 1 day realistically available).

If he starts early, does he finish early? If he does, is he helpful then? Sorts dinner or bathes your child?

Don't worry about the debt, u can go into a repayment scheme with ur supplier that won't affect your credit. Once u know your new budget.
But you need to speak to your husband. If it's definitely irreparable to you then you have no option. U stay miserable or u bite the bullet, and plan a new life. Remember he needs to pay child support. Lots of people live within their means. But it will mean a move. Can't have it all. Once I are settled somewhere u can look at retraining for better wages or child care with ur hubby means a second job when dc at his. Lots to consider. The credit card will sort itself out on a minimum payment with change of circumstances. Don't put any more onto, start putting money away secretly.

Sorry will try and answer some questions, didn't mean to leave things out.

He's self employed so chooses when he works. He is definitely stressed about money and having to work more hours because of it, but working over 50 hours a week he's essentially earning the equivalent of 35 hours at minimum wage. He loves what he does so I haven't pushed him to give up on it, but it makes things really difficult.

The drinking the night before his day off doesn't bother me per se, I like a drink as well although I don't get much opportunity! But the amount he drinks is definitely excessive. It's also the inflexibility considering he chooses his own work hours. If the baby is ill and I ask if he can possibly stay off or even start later so I can grab a few hours sleep, he can't possibly do that he has to work. But if it suits him, like his friends are going out, he can find a way to move things round.

He's also made his day off one of the days our little girl is in nursery because it's his quietest day. But what that means is on a Monday, I'm working all day after dropping her at nursery, and he's spending the day in bed hungover. We don't have a day off together, we always used to and we managed. So I feel like a single parent.

We have spoke about it several times, he accepts everything I'm saying, apologises and says things will change. They generally do for about a week then it slowly goes back to this. For example, he'll say he can't get up with her in the night because he's up early so as a compromise he will put her to bed. Then after ten minutes of trying to get her to sleep he'll say "you're so much better at it than me, can you try?" and he gives up.

He does adore her, he's great at playing with her (better than I am but I'm just so bloody knackered). If I left he'd definitely say he wants 50/50 custody but realistically I don't see how that could happen because of his working hours. I work from home so could move anywhere really, but I'd have no support. All my friends and family are here. I also wouldn't want to make it difficult for him to see her.

I don't think he realises how seriously unhappy I am even though I have told him. But nothing is changing and I feel so resentful. I'm sick of having the same arguments over and over.

I'm going to order a bed for the little ones room today as a start and move in there from tomorrow.

You say your family are close to where you are. Could you move in with anyone while you sort your finances?

Then after ten minutes of trying to get her to sleep he'll say "you're so much better at it than me, can you try?" and he gives up.

go out

go for a trip to the supermarket, but go out

stop letting him turn to you, he has had a year to get to grips with this

cgange the nursery day, so he can spend the day with his dc and you can save some money or work more