Hi all, sorry this is a long one. Not told anyone in real life about this.
After a long time trying to get my husband to talk about some of the issues we have had, and a longer time processing some of the trauma I experienced from his actions, I have come to the conclusion it is unsustainable and unhealthy for me to remain with him. I will not go into too much detail, but the pertinent facts are:
We have a 2 year old child.
We do not own a home yet. The majority of our savings for a house deposit are mine - his are about £9k, mine just under £16k. We are supposed to be looking for somewhere to buy this year. We are currently private renting.
I am not in work. I quit my job during mat leave partially due to poor mental health (due to abuse) and partially because I wanted to be a SAHM and save on childcare costs. I now realise this was stupid, as although I love being with my child, I have depleted my non-house deposit savings in full, and frequently hit my overdraft (although I am making an effort to be extremely frugal now in order to build up a small reserve).
I have no friends close enough to confide in and no nearby support network.
I receive child benefit, (some) UC and other related benefits into my named bank account. He has no access to this.
We have a joint bank account. This is intended to be used by me to buy groceries as we have a fairly 'traditional' relationship in that I cook, clean and look after the house and child. He deposits about £300 into this after he gets paid for me to pay for groceries, which to be honest is often not quite enough and I have to dip into my own cash/credit card anyway.
He pays all bills, council tax and rent from his salary and his own bank account. When I was working, some years ago, I paid 40% and he 60% rent, as I earned substantially less than him. He is in a public sector mid-level salary and highly stable permanent role and is very unlikely to ever lose or quit his job. Hence my being able to leave work, although things are very tight, and we have few luxuries ie no holidays or car.
He was physically abusive to me before and during my pregnancy and I got married during our pregnancy because I was too frightened/embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Again, stupid, but it's done now. I have several audio recordings of him admitting to the abuse in detail, including laughing about it, as well as being verbally abusive.
I was 20 and he nearly 30 when we met, and was struggling with many mental health issues which I continued to deal with for the first few years of our relationship, although I have got much better at coping and being resilient in the last 2 years. He often weaponised these issues against me to paint me as unreasonable and in need of controlling, and I would expect him in a divorce to throw as much of this (admittedly very messy) shit at me to contest any custody or financial arrangements I asked for. However, I believe the recordings of him laughing about the abuse would likely prove enough of a deterrent to him doing this.
My current financial situation is that I have about £2500 in credit card debt and receive just over £400 a month in benefits. There has been a lot of travel to family events recently - we live in a different country (within the UK) to all of our family, and as I mentioned dont have a car, so flights and train travel make up the bulk of my expenses - I pay when we travel to see my relatives. My child is not eligible where we are to receive funded childcare hours, and there just isn't the spare cash to put him in nursery until then. I am working on my own career, but it's a long term thing with lots of study which will take years to come to fruition - I'd be happy to do any job if I knew I could get childcare, but will have to wait until next year for that. I know if I left I would most likely be eligible for more UC until my child is 3, but that would all be eaten by rent and bills of living alone.
I do have 2 materially supportive parents, who live far from each other but have both helped in their way. I know either of them would be happy for me and my child to come and stay with them, and either would be happy in this scenario to loan me money for a landlord deposit/solicitors fees, or be a guarantor for a rented flat. I am very privileged in this way. However, as I said they live far away. I don't wish to deprive my husband of access to his child. Despite everything, he is a very good father, and I would prefer things not to get acrimonious. I grew up in a broken home and the effect it had on me was a major reason I was reticent to consider divorce/separation for so long.
My current plan is to basically spend nothing over the next 12 months if I can help it, pay off my credit card debt, and see if I can find some paying work to fit around being a full-time mother. I am considering resorting to sex work but am willing to be talked out of this if anyone has a better alternative. I can't see it being feasible to leave until my child is able to go into nursery and I'm able to work regular hours somewhere to build up some savings.
Could anyone let me know what they think of this plan, and any obvious things I might be missing? And any ideas for remote work I could do at night? And whether it would be terrible for us to buy a home together, and then when we split I can get half the proceeds?
I can't let him know my plan to leave, he will get nasty. I have been on the receiving end of 5 days silent treatment this week, which has finally pushed me over the edge. I guess I just have to stick it out until I can afford to go. I'm just dreaming of living alone, free of emotional punishment and babying an adult.