Is he controlling?

[TLA25]

I really don’t know where to start with all of this, but I just need some neutral opinions. When I speak to friends about this, they always say that they would never expect him to be controlling because he seems so lovely, but that’s just it, because he’s not shouting and being physically abusive I just can’t understand what is going on.

For context, my husband is in the military and we have two children. I have given up my career to move around with him and keep our family together. He has full control of all of our money, although it is a joint account so I do have access, but I know that he has moved our savings to an account that I don’t have access to.

I don’t think anything has changed or is different, but I think I am just becoming aware of what has been the norm for many years.

Whenever I want to do something, it is always met with the response that we can’t afford it or it’s not the right time. For example I wanted to retrain and do an evening class but was told I would have to wait as we couldn’t afford it. I ended up paying monthly for this course after waiting about a year to start. Yet when he wanted to do a course for himself, he paid upfront straight away, its cost more than double what mine did and he is paying for exams and various other things for about another £2000. I wanted a dog- we can’t afford one. He wants a new car and we get one straight away!

Last week he told me that I needed to calm down on the spending, even though I’d only done a food shop since pay day, yet two days later he suggested we go out for a lunch which cost £100 and then starts suggestion house renovations. I’m just so confused, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. He will go all quiet and withdrawn when I don’t do what he wants or what he thinks I should do, or when he is worried about money, so I hop back into line and stop spending money and cut back on things and do the thing he thinks I should do to appease him as I hate when there is an atmosphere. I can’t keep trading on eggshells all the time.

If I ever say anything, he is instantly defensive and will try to get me to change my mind to his way of thinking and to be honest he usually succeeds as I don’t trust my own judgement and have always thought he knows best.

He belittles me all the time, makes me feel like I am stupid, will step in when I’m dealing with the kids, like I don’t know how to do it, but the one time I told him that I didn’t like how he spoke to me, he responded with, “it was only a joke, you are always so sensitive and dramatic. Well I guess we just can’t have a laugh in this house then!”

Please someone tell me I’m not going crazy….

This is absolutely controlling. Financial decisions should be joint, why does he get to be the one who has the last word on everything? And his other behaviour towards you sounds appalling, completely lacking in respect.

He is extremely controlling in the worst way possible because you are doubting yourself. Bottom line, him having sole visibility/ control of your 'shared' finances is all kinds of wrong. You need to change this situation. You're not his employee or dependent.

It's not you, it's him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Abusers do not walk around with the word abuser written on their forehead and their image of presenting themselves as kindly and reasonable family men to outsiders is of paramount importance. You know the truth re him behind closed doors and many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world. One or two of your close friends may have their own private based suspicions re your H but they are unlikely to say anything to you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
He is controlling you and such behaviour is abusive in nature. He has made you over time not trust your own judgment either. Abuse like this in insidious in it's onset and does creep up on people unawares. Walking on eggshells too is to my mind code for living in fear.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is in those pages and these people do not want to share.

Unsurprisingly as well he has actively sabotaged your attempt at self improvement; this is par for the course with controlling men. He just wants you at home with no outside life of your own chained to the kitchen sink. My guess too is that he's had far more dental check ups, visits to the barbers, opticians appointments than you have had in say the last year or two.

Contacting Womens Aid too is a must do action. You may also want to contact SSAFA.

I would seriously consider getting legal advice on the quiet with a view to separation and divorce. This is really no way for your children or you to live. Joint counselling as well is a non starter and it is not recommended anyway where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. And if he decides that the current level of control he exerts over you is not sufficient he may also resort to hurting you physically.

Yes, controlling and bullying behaviour.

1. open your own account and transfer Child benefit into it. If you don’t claim it because of his income, contact the CB office and put in a claim. My DH earns well over the limit but I claim it. He has to pay it back via tax. He moans every year but tough.
2. you need to get a job - whatever you can manage round child care.
3. I would challenge his comments and general attitude - but I am a very confident, forthright person and I have no problem doing that. If you don’t think you can do that, you must at least tell yourself that you are not wrong. He is very much in the wrong.

Using the services of a forensic accountant going forward could also pay dividends as he's moving money around for his own benefit too.

Sounds controlling. The not trusting your own judgement is very worrying.

He's controlling you. Financially abusing you.

Leave the dickhead.

Yes, he’s caused you to doubt your own judgement - totally unacceptable.

This relationship as a whole is very worrying.

You write he is in the military; are you living on a military base?.

Yeah it's certainly controlling. It's like that child at school that forces everyone to play their game and the nicer children don't ever get their games played.
It's all me me me. His wants and dreams. Yours are not worth "his money. He most likely thinks because you don't work now that you are lucky to even hold it let alone spend it.

Not being funny. You are a fully grown adult. It's not about not being right. It's about what you want to do with your time on this earth and if he's saying no you can't live your life how you'd like to all the time then he's not being very fair. You very much deserve a say.

You're not going crazy.

No point in confronting this one. He's a gaslighter all the way.

The only thing I'd insist on is having all access to money but maybe contact Women's Aid first as they may have some tips.

I'd stealthily work towards leaving him.

Dear God, there are so many red flags for emotional abuse in what you have described, it's more like red bunting. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, I know from experience that it really does scramble your brain and make you doubt yourself.

I too have access to a joint account that I'm not allowed to take any money out of, even when I was working full time I wasn't allowed to take any money out of it. I remember walking through town once on my lunch break and thinking I'd pop into Boots and buy a bottle of shampoo and then immediately I changed my mind because I couldn't be bothered with the scolding I'd get for using money from the joint account, even though my wages went into it. It's known as financial abuse nowadays and is illegal.

Telling you that you are over reacting to a "joke" is classic emotionally abusive behaviour. Saying something nasty or upsetting to a partner and then saying it's a joke to try and excuse it, is absolutely typical behaviour from an emotionally abusive person.

You definitely are not going crazy, it's him trying to control you in so many ways, that is filling you with doubt. I hope you can get rid of him ASAP.

Do you ever question why he says you don’t have enough money for one thing you want but then spends double on something he wants? I bet you don’t because he has trained you not to with the moods and sulking.That’s controlling and abusive.

Well he obviously thinks that because he earns all the money, that it’s all his to do with what he wants, rather than thinking it is both of yours and you are a joint entity.

I would tell him the things you have written in your post about how he always benefits but you never do.

Remind him it is family money and not just his and you should have just as much say.

He sounds absolutely fucking horrible.

I'd consider your moves carefully here - and think about divorcing him ultimately. Get yourself a job if possible, and don't move with him again if he's reposted

Yes op, it is abuse.

I am married to someone like this but I'm working my way out with stealth. I've recognised the abuse (it wasn't obvious at first). I am also belittled and made out to be the bad parent when I am not in front of the children. I am rarely backed up with anything. I am called names. And, he has attempted to emotionally manipulate me in the past. He is clever how he makes me nervous about spending money too. Checking out small cash withdrawls because a scammer might have got hold of our card - he is watching all the expenditure even though it is a joint account and I don't spend any outrageous amounts.

I have lost so much confidence and so much trust in myself that I have questioned what is normal. I am keeping a record of his actions so that when I leave, I can look back and reassure myself I am doing the right thing.

It really is no way to live. It's taken me a while to get to this place of being resolute and I am without a doubt now. The abuse has ramped up and no doubt will do again when I attempt to leave. I understand why you are questioning everything, it can be really hard to make sense of.

Do you feel controlled?

Completely controlling

your friends all liking him and thinking he is a nice guy is 100000% the reddest of all the flags here. They do that in purpose to decrease the likihood of anyone believing you but anyone whose been around the block (me🤣) knows this is a tell tale sign. Almost get relieved when a friends husbands a bit if a twat infront of me in all honestly (within reason).

financially controlling another classic.
gas lighting.
belighting - pulling your self esteem down just to completely and utterly make sure you are beneath him.
hes basically scored on most points on ‘the control and cohersion’ bingo card.

keep records off it all and start to write it down - form a case. He is underestimating you so play that to your advantage. Seek advice from womans aid tomorrow and start to get your head straight about your options going forward.

i would divorce him make sure to spend sny money you are owed on retraining in something fabulous. Never look back !
all the best

@TLA25 He has full control of all of our money, although it is a joint account so I do have access, but I know that he has moved our savings to an account that I don’t have access to.

I am a man and I find it unacceptable. To me, marriage means sharing - and this is especially crucial in a situation like yours, where you have decided to give up work to follow him wherever his work takes you.

I don't ask for my wife's permission before buying a book or a pair of shoes, but I'd never dream of not consulting her about more important expenses (car, holidays, etc).

Are you living in a military base? Are you in the UK or abroad?

You are in a highly abusive controlling relationship with a man who controls you with anger.

Yes you are being financially abused.
This is Coercive control snd is now a crime.

Approach family liason, pastoral care, whatever it is called and ask for support.

This is NOT a good man.
Time to leave.