Roadmap out of divorce/separation hell

[Buscake]

I’m just looking for some comfort I suppose and some words of wisdom for those who have walked this path before me. I’m divorcing an abusive and manipulative man who I have a non-mol against (there is proven physical abuse to my children from him, as well as ongoing emotional abuse). This week has done me in. I feel like there is no roadmap ahead of how to extricate myself from it all and how my life will ever feel normal again.

I’ve taken some power back by changing my name by deed poll and this was a really exhilarating feeling. But I’m worrying and overthinking and obsessing about what will be next. CS advice is that he cannot see the children, and today they advised me to seek child arrangements order to get this moving. I don’t see the point! I don’t want to go to court. If he takes us there then so be it, but otherwise I don’t have the energy or headspace for it. Let alone the money!

only 7 weeks since it all fell apart. Kids are asking to change their surname too but I’m saying it’s too raw/early, consider your identity etc. they are aged 14, 12 and 10.

I know it’s advised to focus on work and children but my MH is starting to spiral and I know this is a concern for professionals if it does worsen 😞 I’m much better dealing with practicalities than being left in this horrible limbo middle state thinking about the awful financial and children conversations we will soon be having via solicitors. It’s all so vicious and I’m starting to feel despair at the situation I have got myself in.

only a tiny point, but surname changes are difficult if the ex objects.

Hugs! Hugs and solidarity fist bumps from a dusty shell of a woman who has emerged from underneath the rubble. But I’m still standing and you too will remain standing! You will weather this bomb cyclone and loathe him more at the end than you did at the start of this process, but you will love yourself more because of the incredible strength and resilience you possess (and didn’t even know all of that was in there). Time heals all wounds we are told, but actually, in this case, it’s the love you have for your children that will pull you through, push you forward, and fuel your strength when your resilience is tested. Love will heal you and hold you. The fight for your and your children’s rights, safety, and happiness will be the air you breathe.

Ask me any questions: legal, practical, emotional. I have a lot of experience, unfortunately and fortunately.
What’s your living arrangement like at present?

And remember this: The burning shitbag that he’s delivered in lieu of the love he failed to give becomes the gift of wisdom you will always have, going forward. From the darkness comes light. Really. Even if you can’t feel it yet. ❤️

Hello, I’ll keep this as short as I can. I sadly married a narcissist AGAIN and he knew the trauma I was already going through and promised me the world yet did not deliver. I was love bombed at first and pressured to marry so quickly for a spouse visa by selling me stories of our plans for future which were his plans. I was again heavily persuaded to take a loan out in my name for him to pay back an ex girlfriend in his country and family he owed money too. I also took on 4 occasions money out the ATM for “emergencies “ back home. I didn’t see the red flags I so desperately wanted to believe he loved me . Now I’m out the marriage, everyone has come forward saying he’s used me for a visa and money. I have cancelled his visa as he hasn’t lived here for 6 weeks I have to legally do this. Apparently I’m a monster the usual nasty comments .
My question in all of this is I have been told I should inform NMC about this as it’s not his first time in this pattern . I’m paying back this ex , will his next pay me back ?? Morally I don’t know if I can do it it seems vengeful.
what do you think ?

Yepoda

You’ll have to start your own thread. Also, I have no advice other than do all of the right and legal things. You’ll be fine.

@UnemployedNotRetired thank you yes I had read that. I’d like to think he’d do what they want but who bloody knows 😞

@SerenityNowInsanityLater thank you this was wonderful read. I will try to hold onto your words. It just is too much this week. I just can’t stand not being able to navigate a way ahead. It all looks like a quagmire. You’re right about the love for the children - they are at the heart of everything right now.

im in the family home with the kids. He was removed by police and hasn’t come back - I packed his shit up within days, there’s nothing of his in this house any longer and I’ve had the sitting room redecorated today 😂 Seems crazy when I may have to sell but it felt good - it’s been on the to do list for 3yrs.

Sorry didn’t mean to put mine on yours , new to here have no idea how to delete . So sorry

Re darkness from light. I truly hope so. I thought I had felt as low as I could but today feels like a new depth. I still can’t understand how this happened. How I didn’t realise. How I compartmentalised. How I avoided the truth.

and it’s hard to move over to idva from social worker who has been supporting me so far. I don’t trust the idva, I don’t feel like she understands what I have experienced. And I am worried about DV disclosures being made part of any fact finding hearings later down the line. It’s not clear to me where the line is with that.

Had some difficult meetings today and was told I didn’t seem ok - made me overthink everything. The social worker talked about some work with my children around thinking about what their relationship with their dad would look like now - given there is no contact but he’s still their dad. What will it look like? I have no idea?

You’re not supposed to seem ok or be strong. ❤️
It’s ok to be broken and to show your vulnerability while also showing that, despite your pain, sadness, fear, and anger, you are still that steadfast, loving person of utmost trust in your children’s lives. You are their guiding force. Trust your role. We bring our babies into the world under tremendous pain and duress. You can do this. Sometimes it has been my furious anger towards my ex husband that’s fuelled my strongest moments of parenting. It gave me the fight I needed in my most desperate moments, of which there are still so many, believe me!

You’re not ok. Why should you be? Life has dragged you into a hostile ocean you’ve never before experienced or navigated. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself not to be ok. Because you will be ok again. It’s in the orders of things. Being ok will return.

One of the phrases that increasingly came to mind throughout the past 3 years of coming to terms with why my family blew up and how my children lost their relationship with their dad (their choice but totally and utterly justified- he’s totally unsafe) is: Some things are not for us to know or understand… yet.
What your kids’ relationship with their dad will be like is unknowable right now.
What you do know is that, right now, they need peace, safety, and space from him. Turn it around on social services and ask how they can support you and your children while you cultivate a safer, happier, more secure life, one where your children are safeguarded from an abuser. Being their dad is not his right. It’s his responsibility. And your children should not be forced to engage with an irresponsible, unsafe parent. I’d tell social services that you’re not really thinking about the dad’s future relationship with his kids. And ultimately, that’s their choice. You’re focusing on their safety and peace, which has been eroded by their dad.

Sometimes we have to tell these organisations what time it is. Don’t let social services tell you what time it is. Set your own boundaries that safeguard your family. Your intention is a loving one. And this will give you the courage to use your voice and trust it, above all.