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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Opinions please

9 replies

Tilly1994 · 16/01/2025 10:09

hello everyone. I’m new here. I’ve got into a relationship with someone. I’ve been with him a few months now. At the beginning of the relationship we had discussed whether either of us had cheated. He told me he had with his first girlfriend, not with his ex who he has children too. I don’t judge as everyone has a past and quite like that he was open and honest. He told me he would rather tell me everything at the start so there’s no surprises as time goes on. Then the conversation came up again recently and I asked again if he had cheated on his ex he had children with. He sat there thinking and said he kissed someone. So I was taken back as he hadn’t mentioned this previously. I asked him about it and he was saying “it’s not bad cheating though”. Told me I was attacking him and backing him into a corner. I was very calm when we spoke. I explained that now I feel a bit unsure as I’m worried that he may now do that to me. I was really looking for a little bit of reassurance, but I felt like the comments made me worse. I told him I wasn’t attacking him on his past I just needed reassurance from him that he wouldn’t do that to me and he still hasn’t done it that. Just wanted peoples opinions on this

OP posts:
Dolly199xoxo · 16/01/2025 10:14

I personally have 0 tolerance for this kind of thing and my view is if somebody can lie about something they deem to be insignificant (which here I don’t even think is actually insignificant. He lied in answer to a straight up direct question) then they can lie about bigger things and I would feel unable to trust them. I wouldn’t want to continue the relationship.

dovetail22uk · 16/01/2025 10:18

"It's not bad cheating" kind of sums it up for me. I think it depends on how invested you are in this relationship but I'd be really hesitant to continue with someone who tells you they are being honest and then isn't, and views cheating as having varying degrees of acceptable-ness. The fact that you're on here asking for other people's opinions on this suggests you are also questioning if this relationship is right for you?

Joyfulspringflowers · 16/01/2025 10:18

Well if you dealt with the issue of previous cheating at the very beginning of the relationship how did the subject come up again: if everything was supposedly out in the open at that point?I don't understand why you needed to discuss it again unless something has happened or something has made you doubt each other.

I think now you know he wasn't honest in the first conversation, that he is drip feedng you and that he thinks there are different levels of cheating so some cheatingu is acceptable I think I would be finishing the relationship.

MagpiePi · 16/01/2025 10:20

He's telling you loud and clear that he cheats.

jotex · 16/01/2025 10:23

A cheater and a gaslighter? Run OP

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/01/2025 10:27

His reaction to it would be the biggest red flag for me. Tell you you're 'attacking' him, I can't deal with the victim mentality.

Lavenderblossoms · 16/01/2025 10:27

Nope. Throw this one back.

TwistedWonder · 16/01/2025 10:30

He’s waving a big old red flag right on your face training you to accept that anything other than full on sex isn’t really cheating and then turning DARVO on you when you challenge him.

In your shoes I’d get rid. He’s showing you already who he is

LearningFromAll · 16/01/2025 13:20

There is a reason you asked and that's because it plays on your mind. A person who is capable of cheating, in whatever way, will always make you have doubts and especially if they are shifting the story along the way.

There is a high chance that weeks, months or years later you will find out new information that he didn't tell you now and expect you to just accept it.

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