Recovery after infidelity - feeling calm with him, anxious without

[MustyDooDah]

I’ve a couple of other threads about the discovery of DH’s short affair some months ago.

We’re trying to repair/recover, mainly through counselling (which is currently mostly being done individually, as I’ve asked him to work on himself before we really attempt to work on us) and allowing time to pass. I’m trying my bloody hardest to be patient.

But I’ve been plagued by what I’m guessing might be anxiety. It’s a general feeling of dread/upset/horribleness. I wouldn’t say “worry” as there isn’t a particular thing concerning me.

This awful feeling, though, is only affecting me when we’re not together. When together, I feel calm. Borderline normal. You wouldn’t have a clue anything had happened if you saw us together.

I’m getting frustrated/exhausted with this unshakeable feeling. I guess it’s caused by genuinely not knowing what’s going to happen. I absolutely can’t predict whether I will reach a point of certainty that things are not reconcilable, or whether he will manage to step up and show me the changes I think I need to see to sensibly remain in the relationship.

I don’t know whether the “calm” feeling when we’re together is a sign that being together is what I really want.

During recovery, did anyone else find time spent with their unfaithful partner significantly easier than time apart?

I perhaps should add that I don’t think the anxiety during separation is due to any suspicion that anything is still going on. The affair is firmly over.

I would take this feeling very seriously. My instinct is that you are not getting over this in a way that's healthy and have tried but this is not going to work for you. You must not become reliant on him because of what he's done.

I remember your previous thread because your H said he had the affair " just because he could". And that was just so chilling.
Tbh I don't see how you could ever trust someone who had an affair " because he could" ever again.
I really don't see how you can ever be calm and relaxed in this marriage OP.

The personal work to be done with the counsellor does indeed include the “why”. I don’t think he was wrong in the “because he could” explanation, but I think there’s plenty of digging to do around where a feeling like that comes from.

I had wondered if I’m still “processing” what has happened a lot more than I thought. I do feel like I’ve hurried trying to get over “it”. So why am I not more furious at him when we’re together?

I would never stay with anyone that cheated on me.
If they truely love you they wouldnt do in the first place.
I would not want to feel second best for a man his last choice.
Let them stay they know they can get away with it again and have got away with.
You are worth more op a lot more.
Give your self time to heal and stay single for a while to recover.
You will look back in the long run and laugh about it.

You are confident the affair is over, but perhaps somewhere in your un/conscious, you feel he could do it again. Especially as he just did it 'because he could'.

Until there is a 'better' reason, or at least a tangible one that you believe you an work on, I can see this anxiety hanging around for a long time.

What is the point of hanging on to someone who has demonstrated they don’t love you? Who causes you to feel such anxiety?

that’s your gut telling you to leave. Listen to it.

Fear, the tend and friend response.

He has deliberately traumatised you with his choices.
You know he cannot be trusted, and so correctly feel anxious when he's out.
I hope the counselling can help you see you deserve a life of peace, respect and joy.

You are calm when he's with you because you know where he is and what he's doing? And anxious without him because you've no idea who he might be with and what he's up to?

Not sure that's fixable.

Hello op sorry you're are going through this.

Please look into betrayal trauma. What you're going through is very normal and can take time to accept and work through. Please be compassionate with yourself.

I'd reccomend listening to helping couples heal podcast it will be very validating for you and can put into words some of what you're are feeling.
You're whole world has changed you have changed. The reality you thought you knew wasn't real.
Of course you're going to be feeling dread uncertainty many feelings right now.

It can and does get better are you having counselling yourself with a professional who understands betrayal trauma?

I'd really recommend a UK therapist called Chris jones for your partner so he can also tackle the integrity abuse and entitlement that comes with betraying. It's a long road but their can be success when both partners are willing to do the work.

Regardless if you stay together you deserve to heal just for you.

Apologies about the many typo's. 🙈 I'm very sleep deprived and the app crashes if I try to edit.

You've got post affair anxiety - I know you don't think it consciously but it's because you are worried about where he is and what he is doing - the trust has gone - If you are both serious about reconciliation you need to talk to him about this. He needs to tell you where he is and what he is doing at all times. If he refuses then he isn't serious about getting over this. Recovery from an affair can take years.

Having been in your position i think it's a trauma response.
When he is with you you know where he is and what he's doing. When he is away from you, you don't have the same assurance and ultimately don't trust him still.
For him to have given no real reason doesn't help you to understand why and therefore it will be in the back of your mind he could be doing it again.

Only time will tell if it's fixable, if you can learn to trust him and can shake the anxiety from the betrayal.

Hi
I totally agree with MightyGoldBears post.

It's a trauma response. It takes time to recover from such an awful discovery.

The counselling will help. I found survivinginfidelity.com immensely helpful. Also Esther Perel (sp?) ,has some excellent books on recovering.

We're a work in progress here too, the first year was horrendous but it's been worth it for us.

I think it's very easy for people who haven't been in this situation to say what they would do, but until it happens you don't really know. I found that so unhelpful as it would have been much easier to leave.

Best advice I ever got was from my GP
...be kind to yourself, prioritise you not him. It made me much stronger.

Wow, I hadn’t expected the number of responses recognising what I’m feeling. That alone helps me feel a bit less isolated in this, thank you.

I hadn’t heard of tend or befriend before, and I can see that I’ll be spending lunch researching betrayal trauma.

I agree with people saying that it will take a long time to heal from this and I hope it works out for you.
I disagree with @Horationor that it is easier to leave. It isn't, that comes with it's own difficulties. Some people would find staying easier, I could have stayed and had a great life and I would just have had to not care about if I thought my partner was lying.

Apologies if I offended.

In my case leaving would have been easier then working on our marriage, but appreciate not everyone is in the same situation.

What I meant was, I think staying is perceived as being an easy option, and it isn't. I would maybe think differently if things hadn't worked out for us.

When your husband was having an affair, did you suspect it was ongoing then?

I can understand why your emotional system feels calm when you are with him and not when you aren’t.

The trust - once gone - won’t necessarily come back as it once was. The prelapsarian state you used to live in carried an innocence with it. And our bodies - even as children - learn to trust people based on their past actions, not merely their words.

There was zero suggestion of an affair. Not one bit of suspicion, no clues, nothing amiss whatsoever. Beyond just being fine, I would have described our relationship then as happy, loving, respectful.

And I think that my DH’s expectations/hopes for our future relationship are that it will look and feel very much like it did during the period he was unfaithful (which looked and felt exactly the same as the previous decade).

Those are his expectations. Are they yours too?

This is actually worse than when there is obvious weird behaviour in the marriage during an affair such as withdrawing affection, picking arguments, criticising you and generally detached behaviour. That at least shows that he was emotionally affected by the whole situation in some way.

The ones who are able to act 100% normally at home, keep intimacy, happiness and laughter going with both women and give the reason for cheating as ‘I just did it because I could’ are the ones who honestly just don’t care and don’t think they did anything wrong. Which means they will happily do it again. They are also the ones who can come across as the most remorseful. Tears, promises, such genuine words. Because their acting skills are legendary as he’s already shown you during the affair.

I’m sorry if the above sounds blunt, I don’t mean it to. It’s just those able to ‘put on a show’ this convincingly are not to be trusted and deep down you know that which is why you feel as you do.

Have you discussed these feelings with your counsellor?

To me the calmness when you are with him is a pretence that your relationship will return to how it was. Not a conscious decision to pretend, like masking I suppose. If that is what’s happening, I wonder if you are giving yourself the chance to work out if you can accept what he is capable of and continue with your marriage

Sertraline. I don’t have much more update at the moment, and I’m due to start CBT with a new therapist, but Sertraline has been an incredible relief from the very low points. I cried while doing leg extensions in my gym FGS.

You meant absolutely nothing to him when he was with her. He's only staying now to keep up appearances. He does not love you.