Feeling guilty that I’m taking my son away from his Dad.

[Amber1999]

So my eldest is 17 and youngest 3.5. Eldest is from previous relationship, his dad has never had anything to do with him. Current partner & eldest had a good relationship until he turned a teenager and our son came along. He didn’t bond with him or acknowledge him for about a year, my partner wanted him to be punished for his actions but I knew that he was just being a typical teenager and he’d eventually come round. I did get help from his school to try build on this but for my partner this wasn’t enough. Eventually I took the boys away, other half refused to come and still thinks I was praising my eldest by going. This was the best thing I could’ve done as that is where they really bonded. After this my partner has disliked my eldest, he won’t have our son brought up anyway like him & he refuses to send him to the same school. Eldest is currently at his grandparents, he wouldn’t come home as he thought by him coming home it would cause us to break up and he didn’t want his brother not seeing his dad everyday.
my relationship with my partner has gone downhill, I suffered PND which he wasn’t supportive at all and would tell me I would never cope on my own. I know he’s had a lot to deal with too and we’ve had a really unhappy home. Currently splitting up, he’s saying my eldest will never come home and he can’t wait to see me trying to sort them both out on my own and get them to schools etc..
feel really bad for the youngest cos now he’s not going to have his parents together and I feel like I’m favouring my eldest over him. In an ideal world I would just want everyone to get on but that’s not going to happen. My partner has said in the past that if my son comes home he’ll leave. Yet now he’s saying all my eldest had to do back then was apologise for his actions and he could’ve come home.
he says I’m a manic depressive (cos of my pnd and getting low when my son went) he says I’m negative and miserable and I’m dragging him down.
I’m scared about being on my own again and if he meets someone else.

you say you don’t have a happy home. Forcing your youngest to stay in an unhappy home is unfair. The best thing you can do split up and give your youngest a happier home and your eldest a chance to be with his mum. Your partner sounds utterly horrendous and you should be prioritising your children over him.

He doesn't sound nice, also what about you? It's not just about the kids. You deserve to be happy too, and your little one will know no different really, it's better to do it now while he is little. Honestly if there's problems parenting your teen there will be problems parenting the younger child. You will be fine getting them both to school, and that just shows what an arse he is - why would he want you to struggle in front of the kids? Why is it all down to you?

Remember Mumsnet doesn't know everything about the situation but how will your relationship with your older son work going forward if you stay together? A fragmented family which may be really difficult as your younger child gets older - you will be forced to choose x

I’m struggling accepting that my sons not at home, my partner tells me I need to get over it he doesn’t want to be here and wasn’t happy here but I know my son would come home if my partner wasn’t there. My eldest is now 17 so my partner thinks he’s an adult and he doesn’t really matter we should be focusing on our 3 year old.
i was on my own with my eldest for that long that it’s the thought of doing it all again, all I ever wanted for my youngest was for him to have what my other son didn’t, mum and dad together, family holidays etc..
the thought of him going and meeting someone else really upsets me

Amber

You do not want to be on your own but the truth is you're already alone within this relationship because your current man is abusive and has been throughout your relationship with him. He cares not a jot for you and your kids particularly the eldest and he's been a terrible example of a stepfather figure to him. He's never liked your eldest partly I would think because he is another man's child and also because he saw him (your partner) for what he really is. Your man is not above projecting what is really him onto you either; it is HE who is really negative and miserable and dragging you down. He is way out of line here calling you a manic depressive too when you are clearly not either; these are words used by him to further keep you cowed and trapped.

What is so scary about you being on your own again?. What are you so afraid of?. Address those fears and get these out into the open.

Better to be on your own than to be as badly accompanied as you are now.

Why would the thought of your partner going and meeting someone else really upset you?. That question needs answering and it may be that some therapy sessions on your own would do you a lot of good. And you know deep down that after he being all sweetness and light his true abusive nature would again emerge and he will blame her too. Abusers blame anyone else but their own self for their faults and failings.

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

It is unlikely he will go of his own accord anyway and you will probably have to look at some type of legal order going forward to keep him away from you. You certainly need Womens Aid and a local firm of Solicitors to further advise you.

Put you and your kids interests first and foremost now; not this man. he's already done more than enough harm to you all already. And at 17 your son is legally still a child.

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes; you can make an emotionally healthy family unit (and that is the important bit) with both your eldest and young child. This will not happen so long as Mr Wrong remains in your life. Family life is not just about mum and dad being together and holidays; it's far more than your image of this.

Never put a man before or above either of your kids here; Mr Wrong does not deserve you at all.

Your partner sounds like a prick tbh. Who punishes a teenager for "not bonding" with a new baby? He sounds emotionally manipulative and controlling.

You haven't failed either child by ending things with him, you're doing them both a favour - and yourself

when my youngest was born my eldest who wouldn’t accept him was a typical teenager at the time, attitude, knew better and one day in a fall out said “I’ll go hit him” (meaning his baby brother) now I know how awful that sounds but he would never have actually done it he was just trying to be hurtful and nasty like teenagers can be. My partner has never forgotten that and shouts about how me and my family did nothing and did nothing to rectify the issue when I went into school and got pastoral help, I even got in touch with mind. I knew my son if left would just come around which he did and now he loves him to bits. My other half is saying that all it needed was an apology to him from my son and it could’ve been discussed him coming home. When really he’s been saying in arguments that if he comes back then he’ll leave. He says my eldest wasn’t bothered about his exams and didn’t care which was true at one point and he said none of us did anything about it when he was being difficult about having a tutor. My son got 5 5’s in his exams but he thinks he should’ve done better given he’s at private school.
I do admit I have been hard to live with, PND lasted a couple of years then my son went which really affected my mental health so I feel like I’ve made my other half miserable and have dragged him down. He says he can’t wait to meet someone else and be happy. He says he’s gonna have our son 50% of the time and I just don’t want him away from me that long, sounds silly but he really is a mummy’s boy and I don’t want to be without him.