Advice: Socialising while in a relationship

[LemonPie93]

Hi,
I am after some advice regarding socialising while in a relationship. I’ve been with my partner 12 years and have now come across the problem of our expectations about socialising not aligning. For some background I used to have social anxiety and not many friends so didn’t have many social events to go to. I am all for spending time with friends separately but would also like to spend time with friends as a couple - dinners, drinks, game nights etc. events where you are invited as a couple. My partner however said he is not comfortable in doing this as he now has some level of social anxiety, isn’t sure he would ever want to do this. Won’t commit to saying this is something he would like to do.

We are now in our 30’s and so I am expecting that as a more mature relationship this would come with the territory. We do not have any children however would this not get more important as you have kids? Sorry if I sound ignorant, like attending birthdays, play dates etc as a unit.

After some advice on how to discuss this in a way that conveys why it is important, as he doesn’t get it and whether I am in the wrong for even considering if this is a deal breaker moving forward or are my expectations too much?

I’m not sure what you mean sorry. He’s happy to go out without you but doesn’t want to socialise as a couple?

20 years married. I have social anxiety, we both have people on the others "side" we just don't rally gel with. We do a mix - and that's both friends and family.
I'll take the children for a weekend away with my extended family and he'll stay at home; he'll go to a friends party and it's not my scene so I won't go. It works well for us but after a LOT of rows over the years we've got much better at setting expectations upfront, and more importantly, sticking to commitments - so if I don't want to do something I will say upfront rather than cancel at the last minute. We also do plenty either as a small family unit together and also socialise as a family together too. It's just a blend of both.

Does he go out on his own?

If not, I'd say that this is an entirely personal boundary and entirely dependant on whether he is prepared to do the basic. Family gatherings and kids events would be a dealbreaker for me, but all the other periphery stuff I wouldn't want to control him over. Especially if it made him unhappy.

If however you think that not doing this would make you unhappy then get out while you can as it'll only lead to resentment.

At least you know beforehand.

I do see it as problematic if he wouldn't like people visiting / socialising in your shared home. It's one thing to not be keen on socialising yourself, another when it affects how you both live your life or potential dc.

Would he be open to trying to address the social anxiety and compromise? Or is he just 'this is who he is'.

I think it's good you looking at this potential pinch points before you marry.

Yes - could be problematic down the road. It’s his willingness to come towards you on this / any issue which will give you a sign.
Lots of people have social anxiety and take steps to address it. It’s not fixed.

So what steps is he taking to overcome his social anxiety? Is he in therapy?

If he doesn't want this health condition then he's presumably taking positive action to "cure" himself of it.

If he's trying to control what you as a couple do and don't do, then there will be less desire from him to "get better".

I am in no way belittling social anxiety, it can be crippling, but he can make an active choice whether he's going to let it control your life or if he's going to do everything within his power to get better. Maybe he won't get better, but I'd definitely want to see a good faith effort to try.

Realistically you wouldn't attend play dates as a unit and kids parties are awful and loud so just one parent takes the kids and endures! They are not fun outings and we take turns.

It you should defo be doing things as a couple like dinner parties with friends etc

I suffer terribly from Social anxiety, its horrible.

Any groups of more than four/five people I really struggle with, even if its best friends or family. Once i've had a few drinks its much easier but i dread going to family gatherings, networking events etc. Weirdly, if there's just one or two other people i am often the loudest and a completely different person.

Personally, i think SA is very difficult to overcome, but in the first instance i would suggest meetings with other friends of just one other couple with a view of possibly introducing more people if/when he becomes more comfortable.