I am behaving awfully

[Bettyboopsboop]

Hi there,

I could do with some advice as I feel I am falling apart. I came out of a long marriage a few years ago which had been highly abusive in its early years. I met a wonderful and kind man and we then married. However, since this time things have gone downhill rapidly to the point I can no longer function in what would be considered a normal way.

He drinks, a lot. And while he is now seeking to sort this out when alcohol is on the mix things get terrible from both sides. We both say appalling things to each other and emotionally hurt each other.

We both have some level of childhood trauma and similarities in these experiences which probably does not help matters.

I feel he has little empathy for me. It seems all about him. We work in a similar stressful profession and when he was under significant stress and needed time off I feel I was 100 percent there for him.

Earlier this year I had a challenging injury which resulted in me being off work. A few weeks into this, he had another decline in the work situation, which I admit is challenging and this has resulted in him.being off work again. I spent many hours listening to him and feeling like I was supporting him through this. He was being very difficult during this time, shouting at me and not behaving as he normally would.

Just before my injury I too had a decline in my mental health. I felt this may have been linked to work stress and possible perimenopause. I am now on HRT.

I have now become a psycho. I feel he is not there for me, everything is about him and he has admitted he had no capacity to support me over recent months due to his own issues. I do understand this but now I am crying daily, feel alone and worthless. My return to work is difficult due to the injury and if I am upset about this he speaks to me like I am one of his staff members which winds me up. He does not seem to 'hear" me in anything I say , whether this is about us or anything else. He will take a small part of what I say, interrupt and then I don't get to give full contect to what I am trying to get across.

I don't know what to do next. I feel a paranoid mess as I can feel myself getting frustrated and missed off about lots of different things he says and does now. I accept this is not fair.

I don't think it helped matters that my mental health was buggering and then the injury happened which left me housebound for a good period of time so I did not have the opportunity to have recovery period where I could start to do things to make me feel better. I feel somewhat resentful that he is now off work and doing and planning lots of activities for himself to help him feel better but with little consideration about how recent months have impacted me.

This will be one sided, he would say he can't breath, that I criticise everything he does and that I do not like him- I hear this often

I used to be very strong but now I feel broken. I have had a mental health assessment and awaiting some form of support but don't know what that will look like. My meds for depression have been reduced after a mix up and initially I felt like this was a good thing as my mind started going out of control when they wee increased to the highest level but now I am not so sure. Sometimes I feel like I am.going crazy and don't know if this is just me, mental health or peri menopause as I have various symptoms.

I don't want to leave him as I love him very much but I don't know how to change

Sorry for the long ramble and if I have missed anything.

What I suggest is that you forget about him for a while and focus your energy on yourself and your recovery.

Eat well, sleep, exercise, practice relaxation techniques, see a therapist, do the Freedom Programme, read up on boundaries and assertiveness. Stop drinking.

If you can afford private therapy, you can try BACP.

You need to let go of the idea that you can change others. Your husband seems to have a lot of problems such as potential alcoholism and trauma. He's also suffering from stress. They're his issues to deal with, you have your own.

You aren't listening to each other and communication seems to be lost. Stop focusing on him and concentrate on yourself, it sounds like he does.

Once you're feeling better, you can have a conversation about your marriage and see if there's a way forward.

Thank you. You are completely right in all that you have said. I am going to try. I am going to the gym shortly (it opens early) and have ordered some aromatherapy bath oil (nothing in the grand scheme of things but it will help me relax a little).

I will.look at private therapy. Thanks for suggesting this as I am still waiting for next steps from my referral so I will look into this today.

It's the alcohol.

Why do you love him, what does he bring to the relationship?

it sounds like you could benefit from being alone and learning to be alone with yourself. Having my own space and not trying to be in a relationship was the most healing thing I ever did.

I also second giving up the booze. I’m halfway through dry Jan (there is a lovely supportive thread in Chat) and it’s an eye opener.

As I read that I thought it sounded like you could be peri menopausal (the dh situation obviously don’t help) I’ve been feeling quite irrational in my marriage lately and just started taking vitamins for peri menopause and I feel it’s started to help a bit and I feel a lot better in my thinking.

I am also halfway through dry january and that is going OK. I am still very irrational though. I only started on HRT very recently so hopefully that will take effect soon.

I love him because he is my equal in a lot of ways, he is funny, we have a lot in common such as studying the same 2 degrees, similar short and ling term goals, he is a good person for the most part (as good as we all can/cannot be). He can be very kind and thoughtful-silly little things but also big things.

However, we seem to have hit this awful cycle of negativity which seems hard to break from.

I feel he is not there for me, everything is about him and he has admitted he had no capacity to support me over recent months due to his own issues. I do understand this but now I am crying daily, feel alone and worthless. My return to work is difficult due to the injury and if I am upset about this he speaks to me like I am one of his staff members which winds me up. He does not seem to 'hear" me in anything I say , whether this is about us or anything else. He will take a small part of what I say, interrupt and then I don't get to give full contect to what I am trying to get across.

This seems to go against what you say in your post here. It doesn’t sound kind or thoughtful. Can you present what you have observed as a “shit sandwich”- ie you are a lovely person but this is happening and I want to resolve it because you’re lovely. Would he hear you? Or would relationship counselling help?

Truth is that you’re good for each other when everything’s okay- but you’re not there for each other when the going gets tough. I’ve got to admit that I find it hard to be objective about alcohol problems as I found I couldn’t maintain love or respect for my ex while she couldn’t / wouldn’t address that, but that aside, the advice about prioritising yourself is 100% right. Only you can put yourself in the place you need to be, to think and see straight, right now I’m sure you’re in a fog and you need that to clear before you can see a way forward.

omg are you me lol I could be writing this myself, I am in exactly the same situation (apart from the drinking and injury) I am 43 and up until about a year ago I was so strong as a person and now I’m riddled with anxiety and insecurity and I’m just not a nice person at the moment, my dh is lovely (he has his moments and they really haven’t helped) but now I feel like I’m pushing him away and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really have much advice otherwise I’d be following it myself I just didn’t want to read and run and to let you know that you are not alone in feeling batshit crazy 😢