Divorce/guilt/confused after reading threads on Mumsnet

[Fishergirl]

My divorce application has gone in today and I'm feeling guilty.
I'm reading threads on here daily and have been getting confused about whether I am following 'the script' that is often talked about on here.
I have got a history of staying in long term relationships with men who I don't really love but I'm scared to finish with. I don't know why I'm like this but am having counselling to unpick things. This is what's happened with my stbexh. I have known that he's never been 'right' for me and I'm sure that he's feels the same too.
Things have happened over the years that I have just brushed under the carpet after he has apologised (drunken verbal/physical abuse). His moodiness, anger, lack of support, inability to drive and general 'man-childness' have also chipped away from my feelings of care for him. I've also never really been massively attracted to him and have always been relieved when we've had sex, purely because it meant his mood would improve and I wouldn't have it looming over me.
I have also regularly been attracted to other men over the years and fantasised about them.
I'm feeling shit though because I'm getting emotionally close to another man. I'm questioning everything I've listed above. Am I following the script?
I know I haven't made it up.

The only script I know about is the cheaters. It sounds like you can't be alone and have relationships with men because they're interested in you.

I wouldn't get involved with another man as you seem to be doing exactly the same thing again.

I would read up on red flags and do the Freedom Programme. Stay single for a while.

Never heard of the "leaving a bad relationship" script before unless you mean another?

(drunken verbal/physical abuse). His moodiness, anger, lack of support, inability to drive and general 'man-childness'
Why do you feel guilty about leaving this? You should be apologising to yourself for staying so long.

Do not get involved with any other men until you’ve done more therapy and are happy being single. You don’t need to be in a relationship, especially with guys you don’t even really like that much. You’re just settling for anyone who is handy by the sounds of it. Why? You need to figure out what is motivating you to go from one sub par, sometimes abusive relationship to the next. And why on earth would you marry someone who you didn’t really love and weren’t attracted to? Stay single and stay in therapy. Also, abuse of any kind is unacceptable. You deserve better. Have a read of this book.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Abuse is enough of a reason to leave.

you were never that into him, so it doesn’t necessarily sound like the script, it sounds like you can’t keep up the facade anymore. Personally I’d rather hear the script from somebody, than what you’ve said above, as yours goes one step further than the script. You’ve always known he wasn’t right for you, you’ve never been massively attracted to him, and you’ve been attracted and fantasised over other men throughout the relationship. Kind of sounds like you’ve wasted his life to be honest. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch either, and has put you through a lot. You clearly aren’t a good match, so I really wouldn’t worry about any script, just leave the relationship, I’m not sure why you were ever in it

Thanks for the replies.
I definitely don't want to go into another relationship and know that I need to be single for a good while.
@Jazzjazzjazz it was never my intention to waste his life. Our relationship did used to be fun/better, and then then you have children and things change. You stay with the person because you want to try and maintain the marriage and things in between the 'bad bits' are okay. Things have definitely deteriorated since having children though, but then you are scared to leave because you don't want to dismantle the family.

Right, but that’s different to “always knowing you weren’t right for each other”, and “never being massively attracted to him”, “glad when sex was over”, and “have a history of staying with men you aren’t in love with”, if the above statements are true, then yes, you have wasted his time, and your own, whether you want to see it that way, or not. If you can’t see it that way, put the shoe on the other foot, imagine someone married you while feeling all of the above, would you feel that they wasted your time, set you up to fail, and should’ve left you to someone who would adore and treasure you? Someone who would 100% know it was right, someone who loved sex with you you etc? Come on now, you’re not silly.