Husband’s mood are unpredictable

Bekind00 · 2025-01-15T20:44:30+00:00

Hi everyone I am new here and hoping for some advice 🙏 although its hard to know where to start… My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 sons. For the last few years it has been one thing after another with him.Firstly he started drinking alot and after months and months of going missing,shouting at me,acting erratic he was taken to hospital and was given a detox for a week.He now attends AA meetings regularly and has been sober for 3 months and diagnosed with depression.He lost his mother in 2023 and he was drinking long before this,although his moods have definitely changed since losing her and I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. His moods are still either up and almost hyper or low and moody,unpredictable and not a nice person. My sons and I do not know which mood he will be in each day.It is an awful feeling of dread and I don’t know what to do anymore. He says he just wants his Mom back,and i hate that he feels so sad,but i can’t help but feel like the kids are not enough to get him through.Something which i will never understand. He often forgets things I’ve said and repeats himself alot.Goes off in his car and sits there for hours saying his head can’t cope. I just want a calm home for my children but all we do is argue about his behavior and he says I don’t understand depression. Having never suffered with depression myself,maybe I don’t fully understand it.But I can’t help but think there is something more to his diagnosis and behavior?I should add that he had never physically hurt me or my children,though does shout alot and says unkind things to us.The boys have told me they don’t like it when Daddy is in a bad mood. Sorry for the long post and i would welcome any advice x

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2025 20:50

I think you need to re think his living arrangements.
Your children have the right to not step on egg shells in their own home , and you OP should not be worried what mood he’s going to be in .!
You’ve put up with his drinking and depression for many years , enough is enough. He’s setting a terrible example for his children

Joyfulspringflowers · 15/01/2025 20:56

This sounds really difficult OP.
If your DH was a heavy drinker for a long period do you think he perhaps has alcohol related brain damage?

Original poster

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 20:59

I agree.He and I have talked about separating for our childrens sake but unfortunately he says he will only go if he has a furnished house to go to.We are
not financially in a position for that to happen so i suggested him go to stay with his Dad for the time being.He refused saying he isn’t staying in someone’s spare room.If i had somewhere to go with my boys i would..

OP posts:

Whatzzitz · 15/01/2025 21:01

Has he had grief counselling?

Original poster

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 21:02

Thankyou for your reply.
Yes this has crossed my mind and after researching it definitely sounds a possibility.
Theres seems to be something wrong and it doesn’t seem like just depression x

OP posts:

Original poster

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 21:04

Whatzzitz no although he has been offered counseling numerous times.He attends mental health meetings weekly and AA twice a week.

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Devilsmommy · 15/01/2025 21:10

I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager. It's understandable that losing his mom would exacerbate it but just because he's angry at the loss, doesn't mean he can take it out on you and the kids. As pp said grief counselling would be helpful but also maybe some anger management if he was like this before. If he refuses to do them then I think for your kids sake especially then you really need to get away from him. Having depression is not an excuse to hurt those you're supposed to love. Hope you can find a way through this💐

Firingsz · 15/01/2025 21:18

Contact Women's aid.
He has been abusing you and your children.
See if they can help you get him out.

Original poster

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 21:18

@Devilsmommy He says the depression takes over him.Where he can’t control what he does/says..He has been on antidepressants for a while now and i can’t see any difference and is on the highest dose.
Thankyou so much for replying 🥰x

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RedRock41 · 15/01/2025 21:33

Sorry for what you are all suffering OP. Losing a parent is a club we will all join but not one we want to be in. Sounds like he is suffering with complex grief. Kubler Ross suggested grief came out in stages (anger, denial, bargaining etc) have to be honest. Never. Like that for me. Was more akin to PTSD. A trauma response. Even now can tell you where I was. What I felt and like a Vietnam situation at times can end up right back at square one inconsolable no matter how much time has passed. Rightly so. Those we lose are too important for their loss not to be an indelible life changing event. Rather than grief being finite my own conclusion is that until its our turn those we love who aren’t here, we metaphorically will carry around. They are often our first thought in AM and last in PM. Don’t take it personal. It’s deep. Profound. Complex. Folk use the term ‘heartbroken’ but it’s not until you lose someone so special that it really applies. A lot to be said about getting in the trenches. To allow him to talk and cry and hurt until eventually (takes a long time) he himself can talk but not feel right back or stuck. Alcohol use like that a form of self harm too. He’s trying or was to mask. Block out. Not feel what he was. It’s a profound impossible loss to recognise on the one hand there are x billion people in the world. Half dozen I love. Yet the one person I wish was here is gone forever. That pain is indescribable. Yet so impactful that if offered any amount of £s or to have that soul back. Young. Healthy. Not in pain. But just part of our lives… well. Those who have been there. We wouldn’t take the money.

Original poster

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 22:17

@RedRock41 i agree we would all choose having a loved one back over money…
However we all only have one life.Children have to come first no matter what pain we are feeling.They deserve to have the best life we can possibly give them.Afterall we only get one shot…Thanks for your reply x

OP posts:

mm00379 · 15/01/2025 23:10

Sorry you are all going through this. Has your husbands GP considered a bipolar diagnosis?

pikkumyy77 · 15/01/2025 23:15

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 21:18

@Devilsmommy He says the depression takes over him.Where he can’t control what he does/says..He has been on antidepressants for a while now and i can’t see any difference and is on the highest dose.
Thankyou so much for replying 🥰x

Because depression doesn’t “take over” and make him mean. So antidepressants don’t affect the behavior.

SpryCat · 15/01/2025 23:26

So basically your H knows he is unbearable to live with and refusing to leave unless he has a furnished flat to move into. I would stop having any pity for him because he certainly has none for you and your children when he starts lashing out emotionally to you all, I would ring up women’s Aid and see if they can help as you need him removed from your home as he is being abusive.

itsstillmehere · 15/01/2025 23:33

What do you mean by months and months of going missing?

username299 · 15/01/2025 23:37

It sounds like he has untreated bi polar but it could be anything. He needs to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. When people with bi polar are put on ADs it can make them manic.

In the meantime, he could have free grief counselling with Cruse.

TipsyJoker · 16/01/2025 00:20

Bekind00 · 15/01/2025 21:18

@Devilsmommy He says the depression takes over him.Where he can’t control what he does/says..He has been on antidepressants for a while now and i can’t see any difference and is on the highest dose.
Thankyou so much for replying 🥰x

Rubbish. That’s a cop out. If he truly felt he wasn’t able to control his anger then he should be seeking help to learn how to.
He is using his mental health issues to excuse his abusive behaviour. Plenty of people suffer from depression and they don’t abuse their loved ones. There is no excuse for abuse. Contact women’s aid and get support to make an exit plan for you and the children. They will be damaged by living with an abusive father. What are they learning about what an adult relationship looks like?
Are you working? Are the children in school? If you’re not working look for a job. If you are on a low income you can claim universal credit, child benefit, possibly housing and council tax benefits too. You would also be entitled to child maintenance. Check the turn 2 us benefits calculator to see what you would be entitled to claim if you were living alone as a single parent. Do you own your home or rent. If you own it you might be able to sell it and get half of any equity. You are also entitled to half of all marital assets and money. With the help of women’s aid you can apply to your local council and all housing associations for a home. You tell them that you need to flee domestic abuse with your children. You will be housed as a priority because of domestic abuse. If you can’t call women’s aid you can also email them. Do it asap.

TipsyJoker · 16/01/2025 00:22

TipsyJoker · 16/01/2025 00:20

Rubbish. That’s a cop out. If he truly felt he wasn’t able to control his anger then he should be seeking help to learn how to.
He is using his mental health issues to excuse his abusive behaviour. Plenty of people suffer from depression and they don’t abuse their loved ones. There is no excuse for abuse. Contact women’s aid and get support to make an exit plan for you and the children. They will be damaged by living with an abusive father. What are they learning about what an adult relationship looks like?
Are you working? Are the children in school? If you’re not working look for a job. If you are on a low income you can claim universal credit, child benefit, possibly housing and council tax benefits too. You would also be entitled to child maintenance. Check the turn 2 us benefits calculator to see what you would be entitled to claim if you were living alone as a single parent. Do you own your home or rent. If you own it you might be able to sell it and get half of any equity. You are also entitled to half of all marital assets and money. With the help of women’s aid you can apply to your local council and all housing associations for a home. You tell them that you need to flee domestic abuse with your children. You will be housed as a priority because of domestic abuse. If you can’t call women’s aid you can also email them. Do it asap.

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And do not tell him you are thinking about leaving as this is the most dangerous time for victims of domestic abuse. Also, have a read of this book and contact Al anon for support for you and the children. I would also tell the children’s schools what’s happening once you are safe.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Original poster

Bekind00 · 16/01/2025 07:05

@itsstillmehere He regularly goes missing for hours at a time,when ‘his head goes funny’ ( his words) which causes a great amount of worry and stress for his family.He tells me he does it so myself and the children don’t have to see him like that..
But on return becomes angry when i question why he keeps doing it..
As previously stated he has never physically hurt any of us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bekind00 · 16/01/2025 07:24

@mm00379 I have mentioned to him that Bipolar is a possibility and he told me i was putting him down…

OP posts:

Original poster

Bekind00 · 16/01/2025 07:29

I should also add that deep down he is a nice person.
It’s when this ‘thing’ takes over he is a different person.
When i confront him about his bizarre behaviour he tells me ‘oh sorry i forgot you’re perfect’…..

OP posts:

Whatzzitz · 16/01/2025 08:41

Do you think there’s a chance he might be bipolar?

What medication is he on?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2025 09:21

He has likely been self medicating for years with alcohol which itself is a depressant. Some alcoholics can fool GPs into thinking they have depression when in fact they are abusive. Your H is using his current emotional state as an excuse or justification to abuse you all.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar behaviours between mum and dad in your childhood home?.

What are you still getting out of this relationship with your H?. Think about it.

When is enough finally enough for you?. And no he is not a nice person if he treats you and in turn the kids like this. You've been married to him now for 12 years and this has been going on throughout your marriage. He's been showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I think you are going to have to ask yourself some tough questions going forward namely why you chose to stay with him to date. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Have you sought legal advice as yet re separation and divorce; his demand for a furnished place seems utterly unrealistic but in turn he is using this as a reason not to leave. Many abusive men refuse to leave and so you are going to have to employ legal means to get him out.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. The effects of all this on your boys is incalculable so the sooner you and your H are actually apart the better. You both are providing the blueprint for their own adult relationships and this is certainly no legacy to be leaving them.

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/01/2025 09:35

Is your home rented or yours OP ?
Have you spoken to his father, GP - they can call him in for an annual health check so H doesn’t need to know it’s you expressing concerns?
Nothing is going to change unless you change it for your children. Your children are being damaged by his behaviour and it needs to stop
Have you seen a solicitor to see what your rights are , divorce etc ?