Married friend talking to another man and wants to divorce her husband

[Lapelpenny]

Hi all.. new user and first post promoted by the this situation.

have a friend who has been married for over 15 years and have children together.

She began reconnecting with an old love (who’s also married) due to tension and arguments with her husband. She professed her undying love to the old love and he too confessed the same. He’s promising to never let her go again after a lifetime. and she is in my opinion suffering from limerence, which consequently is blinding her from even of a chance of perhaps giving the marriage another go.

my friend is now seeking to dissolve her marriage citing years of issues in her marriage she’s now letting surface to justify why she wants to divorce. Husband has suspicions of his wife is talking to another man but nothing substantial to prove. Husband does not want to divorce and wants to keep their family together.

I’m quite aware there are two sides to the story.

initially I supported my friend with all her emotions and claims of what she was telling me but I am now rethinking everything. I am watching the kids suffer in all of this.

i wish I could tell my friend she needs to discontinue her emotional affair with the other man; in the very least to allow clarity of thought and establish the real reasons behind her wishing to dissolve the marriage and I really do not want it to be because of this man. also to stop jeopardising the other marriage. The limerence will fade, reality will hit. The other man is in another country it will be a long distance relationship with the promise of nothing but what looks would be breadcrumbs.

I'm open to questions, but looking for advice.

You can’t advise stupid people OP . She’s working from the “ script “
Her poor family !

Did the arguments with her husband start before or after online man came on the scene?

Online man can curate a perfect fantasy that your friend has fallen in love with the idea of- maybe she’s done the same to him too. But there’s zero substance to this relationship, unlike that which she has with her husband and children. He can promise the world, he doesn’t even have to look her in the eye to do it.

You’re absolutely right that any big decisions she makes about her marriage should happen without the influence of online man. I would be concerned that he’s putting pressure on her to make a hasty decision that she could regret later down the line once the fog has lifted.

If she breaks up her marriage and family then it needs to be for her, not online man. It doesn’t sound like the thing with OM has legs anyway.

Is she of perimenopausal age by any chance? I saw another post that suggested this can happen with women on their 40s, that they are turned off by their long term partners and start finding other men more attractive.

@Pumpkinpie1 forgive my ignorance - what is the “script”…

i really want to refrain from derogatory terms out of respect of the friendship or connection I have with anyone but that is my fear… there is a massive cloud blinding her from seeing reality. I so deeply wish to express the things I’ve written in the latter parts of my post to her.

@ThisIsHowItFeelsToBeLonely

there is no perfection in any relationship. I’m sure they’ve had their ups and downs. But in observation she is well cared for, treated as the queen of her home, doesn’t have to work, he showers her and the children with gifts regularly, always takes them on holidays. But yes they have their disagreements.

The emotional affair is not an online man. They are each others first love. But life panned in such a way they lost touch. After an argument a few months ago where her husband threatened with the idea of divorce, she immediately sought out this man and pursued him. Initially she even joked with me that she was playing power card against her husband and what he had said . but is now stuck in limerence.
her husband clarified he would never do such a thing and apologised for his stupidity of the moment etc. but as she’d already gotten entangled as it were, it’s almost like she’s using that to further justify exiting.

she’s just entering 40 so that’s potentially a factor. She isn’t seeking remedy… she just wants to be of free marriage at this point and chase the elusive dream that may never be.

“I would be concerned that he’s putting pressure on her to make a hasty decision that she could regret later down the line once the fog has lifted.”
THIS IS MY FEAR.