Untitled

[flossish]

Oh I don't bloody well know what to do. I've been a complete drama queen on here of late.

Long and short of it - relationship with MIL has become 'untenable' because I dared to text her to tell her she upset me. Now busy setting the rest of the family against me and suddenly interested in seeing DP and the kids when I am not around, texting DP.

I don't feel DP has defended me at all and would rather just not get involved. He knows all her flaws and is well aware of all the hurt he as caused him over the years. We have got to the point several times that we have seriously considered cutting all ties. When it comes to it though he can't.

I want nothing more to do with MIL, And yet everytime MIL contacts DP (suddenly a lot more regularly - daily instead of monthly) I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. I'm not sure long term the relationship will survive. I can't make him choose as much as I would love to try for obvious reasons.

I hoped that by saying I'd have no more to do with her I'd feel more calm and less negative but if anything I feel more so and uncertain for the future. She is an expert manipulator and successfully managed to break up SIL from the father of her first child.

WWYD please? I'm on the brink of sending an email to dp which still just makes me sound like a prissy whinger.

Why don't you just point out to dp that his mum managed to ruin the relationship between his sister and her former partner? Can he not see that this is what she is trying to do here and that, if he goes along with what his mum wants, that may well happen?

At the end of the day, we all make our own choices. If he chooses a relationship with his mum knowing that you are finding that untenable, you have your answer. I'm not saying that he has to cut all ties, but his primary loyalty lies with you and not with his mum.

bugger i meant to put a title. sorry

I think he'd like to still have both. I have pointed out your first point, but he believes he is less easily led. I don't feel he is being loyal to us.

He cant be expected to cut his mother out of his lilfe. You can limit the time you spend with her though. Tell him that is what you are going to try to do. You don't need her for child care and you don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to.

He has wanted to at times of his own accord.

I know that if he wanted to do this it has to come from him. I intend to spend no time at all with her. On every occaision I see her she manages to offend and I find her outlook on things completely at odds with my own. I have always made an effort with her and all I have ever wanted is for her to love and care for my children. She doesn't.

The issue I am struggling with is how to not let DP's continued relationship with his mother destroy our own relationship.

If your MIL succeeds in splitting you up, by
her daily manipulation of her son, she will have won. DO NOT LET HER WIN!!

She is a miserable, malicious, messed up woman who has no idea how to have an adult relationship with her adult child(ren).

You've done well to cut off ties with her. We can all see what she's like, I'm sure the rest of her family know it, no matter what she says about you. They probably wish they were able to have nothing more to do with her, as you have managed.

Maintain a dignified silence. Do not get involved in the text issue between your DP and his mum. Sooner or later he will come to see which of the women in his life is the healthy, sane one. He cannot cut ties as easily as you can and you need to feel sorry for him for that. Say nothing about his mum, but say you're happy to listen if he needs to talk. Play a long game and you will win.

Janni do I know you? I mean have you namechanged? Too much of Mn passes me by these days.

Thank you for your words. I will try. I thought I was playing the long game with things as they were by going along with the situation as it was but I can't do it anymore. It is a big deal to me all that has happened this past week and I can't move forward with it with her IYSWIM. Unfortunately it seems that this will also be the end of my friendship with SIL.

No, I haven't namechanged, but I remember your last thread on this subject

Ah there have been a few of late haven't there? I've been posting about her for about 3 yrs or more so there is a good chance you'd know about her!

I'd rather she didn't see them at all TBH - but again not something I can specify. I don't really know what I wanted to say. it all ended up sounding like a load of waffle. I'm going to see how the situation pans out over 2 weeks and see how I feel then.

Some MILs haven't the brains they were born with. My ex MIL hasn't worked out yet that it will be much harder to have any sort of relationship with her grandchildren if she is insulting and nasty to their mother...

And she sits at home sobbing into her hanky wondering why she doesn't see her grandchildren anymore!! (I must point out that I have not prevented her from coming, she has just said so many awful things she is too embarrassed - I think).

Problem is she is nasty and insulting to my children too!