Hi there
I apologise in advance if this isn't the right place to be posting, but I wanted to ask for some support and advice.
I'm in my forties and am single without children (hope that doesn't rule me out of being here). I have a full time job, some social interests and one male sibling who I am close to, but otherwise no family left. My Dad died suddenly when I was in my twenties and I lost my Mum fairly recently too in 2020 (not covid).
I know I haven't fully processed my Dad's death as it happened when I was so young and I kept going for my Mum and brother. I didn't fully comprehend how young my Dad also was when he died and am only seeing it now as I get older myself. But when my Mum died, it completely floored me and I have never felt pain or confusion like it. She was my rock and her death plunged me into a depression.
I then met a man who I fell deeply in love with but who became very abusive to me and I had to uproot myself and my job to get away. It has seriously affected my self esteem to the point I feel worthless.
In the immediate aftermath of Mum's death, the people that I believed were my close friends visited, attended the funeral and then - nothing. At first I thought as they are lucky enough to have their full families that they didn't understand or know how to deal with grief. But the last time any of them visited my house was in 2020. I wasn't lying around, but after covid I found myself not comfortable going to parties, or being in large crowds and one of the group in particular (gay male) did this all the time. I explained it was no longer for me, and seemed to relugated to the box of 'cinema friend'. As time has gone on, even though this male friend has both parents, he seems to have one crisis after another which is always a bigger issue than anything I have experienced. But I have tried to be a support to him - even offered him use of my caravan when he was having a romance issue, and my dear Mum paid for a holiday for him to come with me for a birthday present. I have tried to be open and honest with him about my feelings surrounding her death and how it's affected me but to cut a long story short, he has completely disappeared. He lost his grandmother who was 90, and didn't tell me she had died. When I raised it with him saying I wanted to support him, he sent me a text that said 'you are the only person I know who would make an issue of this. I can't deal with this when I am going through trauma and have had to plan a funeral'. He told me he hated her and wouldn't be sad if she died. All I was doing was saying I wanted to support him and was surprised he hadn't told me, but after he sent that text I apologised for 'getting it wrong' and he said 'yes you did but let's move on'. I haven't heard from him since and that was a year ago.
My female friend has been no better. But the crux of that is that despite what I experienced, I have made every effort to stay in touch, and I'm always the one who does all the travelling. I have bought her kids presents which have never been delivered due to this or that at her end. She has a car but has never once driven to visit me in the 17 years I've known her and we live half an hour apart. I fully appreciate having two young children is not easy, but she has the support of her mum, mum in law and husband and other family members. I've dropped hints, oh come and visit! And she always just sends a smiley emoji. I have spoiled her daughter in particular rotten since she was born 8 years ago, but this year I just decided I wasn't getting the usual Christmas gifts because I can't afford it, and last year when I drove down to deliver them, despite her knowing I was coming, she texted to say 'we have to go to his mum's now' and she actually DROVE PAST ME, waved, knowing I had all the kids gifts in the car. She tells me she isn't well, then I will see photos of her out in her area with other people. It hurts like hell. I tried to talk to her early on when my abusive relationship ended and her exact words were 'What do you want to talk about? I'm trying to stay positive at the minute so won't be discussing HIM'. So I just kept it all to myself.
At one point I'm embarrassed to say I tried to take my life and thought opening up to the people who I believed were my best friends would be the right thing to do but I was in hospital alone for the duration with only my brother visiting. The most I got from them was an emoji sad face or 'hope you feel better soon'.
I know I have been through a lot but I have always done my best to be a good friend and to be there for all of them. But I am finding as I try to put boundaries in place, none of them are looking for or coming for me. The man I fell for, I loved so much but he said he couldn't cope with being loved and now I feel my friends are non existent too. I do feel like if I disappeared I wouldn't even be missed.
I hope I have articulated this properly. I am well thought of at work and am always told on the outside I'm a ray of sunshine but inside I'm really hurting. I have come to the conclusion now that I don't seem to be worthy of the same type of love and support as other people.
Thanks for letting me talk.