Completely lost libido since having my child

[Lostandunme]

Sorry if this is long.

I need to know if others feel like me? Or your experience of sex after having a child, as it’s actually getting me down, more because I feel so guilty.

i have a near 3 year old, and I had a birth which left me I guess, quite traumatised. Not as bad as some women’s can be.m, but the whole thing and also because I had a very long recovery after and probably every midwife in my town seeing my battered vagina I just didn’t want anyone near there after.

me and my DH’s sex life has taken a nosedive, and he’s being very patient but it’s just not coming back to how it was pre pregnancy, when it was very high, mostly due to me. We do have sex but not very often, but it almost makes me feel anxious if I get any implication of him trying, if he tries touching me in a certain way I can feel myself getting upset about it internally and I despise him touching my stomach because it’s bigger since I had a child, and I guess I am ashamed of my body since having a child and I haven’t snapped back. I’ve been too tired as I also work full time. We have no support.

I’m finally trying to make changes with food and lose some weight. But him going near me in that way makes me want to cry because i feel grim.

I wondered if it was him for a long time, as I’ve felt so confused as to why I don’t want to have sex, but I’ve realised it’s not that. I’m just not interested in anyone. But Im still in love with him so much and I don’t want to lose him and worried he’s going to get fed up and leave me, or have an affair. I want to get intimate with him but I just can’t bring myself to initiate, and he doesn’t either. It was always me before.

I feel tired, guilty and ashamed.

First of all this is very common. It sounds like you’re beating yourself up about it feeling very guilty and catastrophising about affairs but remember you haven’t done anything at all wrong. It sounds like you have re-established some kind of sex life and are open to re-connecting and that’s the best you can do right now.

Sex drive is a movable feast and yours will come back. It’s just frustrating that you can’t just tell your body to behave how you want it to, because it doesn’t work like that.

Do you feel like you have unresolved issues around your birth that it would help to talk to someone about?

If not I think all you can do for now is to continue to let time pass, keep being honest and communicating with your partner and maybe read an erotic novel or two to see if that helps shift where you are in your headspace.

It sounds like you need help accepting the changes that your body has gone through and learning to live yourself again. Keep communicating with your husband so he understands as best he can your feelings. Be open with him try and remain as affectionate as you can in other ways. You are tired and exhausted. Ask for his help to create you time and space to do things for yourself, maybe just go for a walk or join a gym. Help yourself have headspace and time to look after yourself.
Try to remember back to the things you enjoyed about being physically with your husband, your body may have changed but his love for you and desires will not have. He will accept who you are, you just need to too. Good luck x