What should I do

[clinellwipe]

This is going to be a long one.

My husband and I met in our "high flying careers". We've been married since 2020. My mental health wasn't great in the pandemic and I took a break from work (supported by my savings) , we then had a child and I've never returned to work.

Our child is likely autistic, awaiting assessment. He is in nursery 3 half days a week.

I'm writing because I feel I have no emotional or mental support from my husband. I feel like we have a business relationship - he finances everything (and I know I'm lucky not to work), I do all childcare. And I mean all childcare. Husband has his own room so he can sleep well, I sleep in same bedroom as our son who sleeps extremely badly. I shower with our son because I'm always looking after him - if that makes sense.

Husband works long hours. When not at work he is WFH. He isn't out at the pub, he's never cheated etc. He has no life to be honest, neither do I.

He's very emotionally cold, I think. He is from an upper class background and was raised by a nanny from 2 weeks age. Sent away to wales for half terms, summer holidays etc. I think he thinks childcare/parenting is almost beneath him and something that is outsourced. We would have significantly more money if I did work and he thinks I should be very grateful I get to stay at home - I didn't cope well at work (I think I'm autistic too)

Anyway, I'm pregnant, our son has had d&v for 72 hours now and I'm exhausted. I can't stop crying. I asked him to help with changing towels/bedsheets and he said I need to "step up"

The easy answer is LTB. I will get a decent inheritance within the next 5 years but other than that my savings have run out. Our son is high needs and as I say I have another one on the way. I'd have nowhere to live etc.

I just wish I could make him support me more. Just been sobbing on the phone to community midwife. Maybe I should suggest couples counselling? He's so rigid in his thinking he thinks I should just be grateful for our house etc - and maybe some of the readers here will feel that way too.

The last day "off" from my son was a day in July and I've never, ever had an evening or night away

Sending sympathy - this must be very hard.

Early pregnancy is a very emotional time and problems can be harder to deal with.

It sounds as if you suspect your husbands upbringing is at the heart of his behaviour. It sounds as if couples counselling would be a first port of call.

If he won’t do that, then can you do counselling/therapy for yourself? A lot is done by Zoom. They should be able to help you work out a way of coping with your emotions and help devise a plan to try a find a solution.

There are a lot of organisations out there and the GP/midwife is a good start.

Best of luck.

The very first thing you both need to do is get a babysitter and get out of the house for a few hours.I know you say he is your husband but you are not functioning in any way as a team / couple together. When did you both last chat over coffee? When did you both laugh together? I appreciate having a child with additional needs is hard but giving up your marital bed and focussing 101% on the child is costing you both your marriage. It doesnt need to be either one or the other it should be family all pulling together. Autistic children need rules and boundaries too and I am sure with practice a healthier routine could be established. You chose and shut your husband out, I would suggest that is how he sees it so he will be cold and detatched. Does he ever have 1 on 1 time with your son ? Without you hoverring? I am not blaming you at all just looking to suggest things you could look at. I wouldnt say LTB I would try to remember why you were together in the first place,revisit that and both try to work on a more equal way going forward for all of you. Both of you need to be really honest and more importantly listen. No one is living and thriving here you are all just trapped into positions you have adopted..

Your savings have run out? How come? I thought your husband was financially supporting you.

I'm not sure what to suggest OP as you don't want to leave and he's unlikely to change. You will probably have to go back to work and ask for reasonable adjustments if you're autistic.

Do you have any family who can step in while you get some rest? Can your husband afford to buy in any help? Are there any support groups you can join?

You have three half days a week. Use this time to rest. Leave jobs that can be left.

Can you get a babysitter and go out with your husband? You both not having a life seems very unhealthy.