Is this lust... Advice

[Pip0307]

Hi all,
I could really use some advice. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years with my current partner, but it didn’t start on the best footing. I was initially "the other woman" when he was still with his ex, and it’s been a long journey since then. Over the last year, I’ve finally been introduced to his family and his child, but they all think I’m the "new girlfriend," even though we’ve been together for years. I still feel like a bit of a secret.
To make matters worse, his parents still have pictures of him and his ex on the walls. Recently, when I visited his parents, his mum grilled me about my life plans – asking if I want children, marriage, and even about my finances. She also brought up how we met and called it "appalling," saying the ex had told her everything. For context, the ex has just had a baby with her new partner, but she still makes digs at me when we cross paths – like mentioning things she used to do with my partner.
On top of all this, my partner works away and has been gone for over six weeks with minimal communication. It’s left me feeling lonely and a bit neglected.
Here’s where it gets complicated. On Sunday, I randomly bumped into an old flame in a service station car park. I haven’t seen him in six years, and we ended on sad terms because of the distance (he’s in Scotland; I’m down south). Seeing him brought back all the emotions. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me I was "the one who got away" and that he’s going to marry me one day. It completely threw me.
I feel like I should meet up with him to hash things out because we never really had closure, and I genuinely believe he loves me. But I’m worried that meeting him might just add more confusion to how I’m feeling about my current relationship. I do love my partner, and he hasn’t done anything wrong – it’s just his family and ex that make me feel insecure.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is meeting up with the old flame the right thing to do, or am I just seeking an escape because I’m feeling lonely?
Any advice would be much appreciated.

I don't think that it's going to work out with your current partner. You'll always be under pressure of disapproval from his family.

Honestly OP are you really surprised that his family and his ex are upset about the way your relationship started?
You are in a relationship with a man who is known to be a cheater, who works away from home for longish spells and who doesn't keep in touch when he does.
And now you are contemplating meeting up with your ex because you are feeling lonely. What could possibly go wrong?

You were (knowingly?) the other woman, and your Partner is a cheat. He now works away for weeks on end, and doesn't contact you much. My hunch would be that he could be cheating again. On top of that, you have the pressure of his family not liking you. Yes, I would meet this guy if I wanted to. What have you got to lose at this point? I would make sure he hasn't got a partner first though. It's best to start relationships on an honest footing, which I am sure you are starting to realise.

Sort out your own issues first. Ignore service station guy.

How your relationship started can be overcome and needs to be looked at first.

My mother in law makes spiteful and unreasonable remarks all the time, to the extent that I’ve had to say to my husband I won’t be in a room alone with her alone. She weaponises anything she knows about our lives in order to craft putdowns. Your partner’s mum might just be the same. You don’t need to care about her opinion of you. And her view of you is fairly predictably sexist - she doesn’t blame her son, she blames you.

Why is your partner away so much? Can he work things differently?

Just to add, how sporadic is contact with your Partner? In my experience any guy who juggles two women at once, usually has a pretty high sex drive/prey, so if he isn't sleeping with you for 6 weeks (and counting), do you think he is going without sex or getting it elsewhere? Only a hunch, and he could be a changed man, but it's food for thought. I'd be looking through his phone whenever you next see him.

So is the garage man single? To me it sounds all a bit confused. You were cheating on his ex, his family were unsurprisingly upset. Now you have bumped into another ex.. how many more ex's are there that may turn up if you do jump ship? I would take a long hard look at your life goals and where you want to be and who with. Lust probably yes. o/h away for long periods is a life you have to be prepared to be accustomed to. He may meet other ex's too and wonder.
all sounds messy to me. But i am a simple sort.

😬 that's the thing when you start a relationship based on lies and then the lies come to light....

Personally I think you should just end the relationship you are in now as you are clearly not happy, or at least think about these things before doing anything with this other bloke. Yes you may well be just lonely etc but you know that things will lead to more with this other guy if you continue to meet with him etc....

"Hash things out" is a bit of a euphemism 😂

It's basically starting an affair and you know it really.

So you started your last relationship with an affair and now you want to start a new one with an affair. Well, thats going to go well isn't it.

End your current relationship. Your partners family will always likely hate you, and with good reason.

And then maybe spend a bit of time single and work out what it is about your reaction to men that makes you willing to act like such a twat.

So an affair, now another potential affair.
I believe that meeting an ex for coffee is acceptable. However, this guy is making a move, and you seem to be considering it. Naturally, it will likely be driven by lust, similar to your current relationship, and is probably heading toward a dead end and disappointment.

I think you should end your current relationship as it all started with him cheating on his partner and also if you're having feelings for your ex then you're obviously not that happy with him, if it were me that started a relationship in that way it would always be in the back of my mind that he cheated on his ex so he could do it to me too, doesn't sound like his family like you very much and that will also make the relationship more difficult

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments; I truly appreciate them. They’ve been incredibly helpful in guiding me through this.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You’re absolutely right—sorting out my own issues is the first step, and I need to focus on that. The mother-in-law situation is definitely horrible, and I’ve found it incredibly uncomfortable to be berated and questioned about such personal matters, like whether I want children.
With my partner being in the military and often overseas, communication is definitely a challenge due to the distance and his location. While I’ve learned to adapt in some ways, the grilling from his mother has brought unresolved issues to the surface, making everything feel much heavier.
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your own mother-in-law—it sounds so exhausting to have to deal with constant spiteful remarks and putdowns. I can see how refusing to be alone with her might be the best option for your peace of mind. Your insight about her blaming me instead of her son being rooted in a predictable, sexist mindset really resonates, and I realise I shouldn’t let her opinions affect me as much.

Thank you again for your advice and support—it’s given me a lot to think about and work on.

What kind of horrible person asks their child’s new love interest whether they want children? Surely she can see that whatever his ex says will be biased against you?

In my experience this kind of MIL can really cut deep. Especially - and this is key - if your partner doesn’t back you up. Have you told him you won’t stand for this kind of emotional manipulation from her, and have you asked him to say something to her about it? It shouldn’t be up to you to bear it alone.

Knowing that your partner is in the military sheds a different light on things. I understand that you can’t change that - unless he leaves it or takes more of an office job within it. Can you ask him to call you more or just call him? Or send emails - letters even! Obviously if he works in a submarine or the SAS that might not be possible. But since these absences are part of life you’ll need to give some more effort to making your communication more meaningful while he’s away. Eg. Don’t hold onto things you find difficult until he gets back. Petrol guy can otherwise get a handle on your feelings very easily, irrespective of who he is and what he intends.

You ask if this is just lust but you just tell us what service station guy says to you. As if you are looking for validation (needing it) and not really looking for lust / finding it.

Query - why not tell your military boyfriend that you have met this old flame? Is it that affair habits die hard? Sounds like you haven’t properly got the guilt, shame and secrecy out of your system yet - and that’s a joint project.

TLDR: a bird in the hand (your man) worth quite a few petrol station old flames in my view. But do ignore snipes from exes and poisonous people. Your own happiness matters more.

My partner not standing up for me has been a significant issue. He hasn’t stepped in to defend me, not with his family or his ex, and it’s left me feeling unsupported. It’s been really hard to deal with because it makes me question whether he’s truly in my corner. I know I need to talk to him about this because it’s something I can’t keep brushing off—it’s too important to our relationship.
You’ve also touched on his job, and you’re right that it’s not something that can change. I know the limitations are part of life, but it’s still tough navigating the lack of communication when he’s away.

The situation with his mother has been particularly painful. Her behavior—especially the way she speaks so highly of his ex and dismisses me—has cut deep. I didn’t expect it to affect me as much as it has, but it’s been a real source of hurt and frustration.
Running into service station guy brought up a lot of unexpected emotions, but I don’t think it’s about him—it’s more about what I’m missing in my current relationship. I need to address these feelings with my partner instead of just keeping them bottled up.
Thank you so much for your advice and for giving me a space to talk this through. It’s really helped me reflect and start to process everything more clearly. ❤️

To clarify, due to the nature of his job and his location, there are times when we go weeks without speaking. It’s not ideal, but it’s something I’ve come to understand and accept given his circumstances.
When we met five years ago, I had no idea he was married with a child, and it was only six months into the relationship that I found out. Since then, we’ve been together properly for four years, and he’s been upfront about his situation.

In other words you're missing the emotions that come with affairs OP? There is something it fixes in you when life gets a bit hum drum and you feel neglected in your world.

This relationship you're in isn't going to work out if you want to meet someone else on the sly. End it now and then you can do what you want.

Never do something with someone else you wouldn't do in front of your partner.

When we met five years ago, I had no idea he was married with a child, and it was only six months into the relationship that I found out

So you know he’s a liar. Why did you stay with him when you did find out?

Would you tell him about this new guy if you met up? If not then you’re also a liar.

Some people just need attention and excitement and will always prioritise that and find ways to justify themselves but it’s not great for a lasting relationship:

So you played a part in blowing up a family where there were children involved and now you are upset that they all (rightfully) dislike you and now you are thinking of leaving the relationship because you ex says he still loves you so all of that damage has basically been for nothing? lol FFS this has to be made up no?

OP With all the info relating to your partner married with a child, did not find out for 6 months. Then the mother in law. Now is the time to make a split and put in down to experience.

Alternatively confront him with the comments and your feelings about what the mother in law said. Or when you next meet her ask her to repeat what she said to you in front of him. If he supports her than you know exactly where you stand.

Firstly, I'm not condoning how his mother treats you, not your mother in law FYI, but I can see why she may not be welcoming to you. You were the OW!
Secondly, leave the gas station man in the past, you haven't needed closure for the last 6 years and I'm not sure it will do you any good.
Focus on your relationship and what you jeed/want from it.

Whoah. How did he keep his child a secret? National Secrets Act doesn’t cover it, surely?

🤦‍♀️🤣🤣

She's a piece of work alright