What can I do to help a young girl who has got out of a DV situation?

[WhatDidIComeUpHereFor]

I was in the same situation once but a long time ago.

On saturday she phoned me to say he had hit her, with the children watching, (I know from the black eyes she has had it wasnt the 1st time), it was the beaking point.

I went and picked her up and took her to the police station.

The Police have arrested him and his bail conditions wont let him near her or the children.

She has stayed at her parents since then, but will go home tonight as the older two children need to go to school tommorrow.

Please if you have been through this recently, wht sort of help did you need?

I am planning to take her to the Children Centre and get the younger one into pre school there, which will give her some time to sort her self.

but what can I do purely for her.

no advice but bump for you and the girl, she sounds very strong and you sound a very kind friend

You could have no truck with ideas like "What did I do wrong?"

The best thing you could do for her is stop thoughts like that in their tracks .... to make damn sure she doesn't go back to him.

I think listening if she wants to talk can be really good just being around can help a lot. I remember getting out of a dv situation and my friends and my dp had to babysit me so I didn't go back out of bordom/ feelings of worthlessness/ not deserving more etc

Dont think she will take him back, when I got to her she had that 'look' and her first words were, 'I cant take it anymore'

Although as I said for me it was almost 30 years ago, I remember that feeling when enough was enough.

I wanted to cry when I saw her, I have known it was going on, but she was to scaed to say anything, and I knew If I asked she would deny it, I had to wait till she was ready.

Give her space to talk if she wants to but don't push it if she'd rather not, and don't give advice unless she specifically asks for it - hated the people who rolled off endless lists of what I was 'supposed to do' when I could work that out for myself, all I wanted was a friendly ear.

More than anything I'd say be there just as much months down the line - everyone's interested at the 'crisis point' but then weeks or months later when you start getting your life sorted and really want to talk about it, it's a kick in the teeth if everyone acts like 'oh that was ages ago'.

You are already being a huge help to her, just by being there for her. Somebody who has been through the wringer already and come out the other side will be invaluable as a guide and mentor.

Do keep her away from the 'if only I'd done what he told me' thoughts, as SC says. Besides this, she may want to talk and talk and talk about it, which may be boring for you but necessary for her. The best favour a friend can do is just to be therre and be willing to listen. (My friend got bored with me for talking about my xh cheating. She found another friend after 6 months of it, which really pissed me off cos I'd spent 11 years listening to tales of her alcoholic husband. My point is, no matter how bored and sick you get on the roundabout of this conversation, the best thing you can do as a friend is to be there to listen just one more time, as long as she needs you).

You're a good friend. The world needs people like you

I have known her since she was a child and is actually the mother of my granddaughter (DS is not the partner who has abused her,) she also has two others by the abusive partner.

Yesterday she said that she felt guilty for taking the boys away from their Father.

I told her if she hadnt the likelihood that the boys would be abusive to their partners in later life was strong.

It was one of the main reasons I got Ds and I out of teh same situation.

A decent father will stay in touch with his children when everything is sorted out. A bad father will be a bad father whether she is with him or not.

She cannot fix him, it is not within her power, I know you know this but she might go through a desperate stage where she thinks she can. I did.

I know I tried with DS father for years,

Ds made his ow mind up and refused to see him eventually.

My DGD dosnt want to see her stepfather anyway, and hoping I can get her help though our brilliant Childrens Centre about accsess to teh boys.

He is saying he dosnt want to see them, and its all his fault but he is very good at playing the victim

I know I tried with DS father for years,

Ds made his ow mind up and refused to see him eventually.

My DGD dosnt want to see her stepfather anyway, and hoping I can get her help though our brilliant Childrens Centre about accsess to teh boys.

He is saying he dosnt want to see them, and its all his fault but he is very good at playing the victim

She has nothing to feel guilty for. Most people know that DV is not acceptable in a relationship, and if they don't then they need to learn it. By indulging in such behaviour, her DP took himself away from his boys (with the aid of the police. Let's face it, if they didn't think he should be around the children, who is she to argue?) Hope that might help to persuade her if she starts with this logic again.

You have my admiration, you really do. What's the point of learning the hard way, if we can't pass the lesson on, eh?

liitlewoman exactly my feeling, if those of us who have got out dont help those that are still suffering, there is no hope.